Sad that I can't relax in the second trimester

[Missnicolinda96]

Hi guys. I'm currently 13+2 with a good 12+5 scan. Reading a post in which a woman had a good scan at both 12 and 14 weeks then found out there was no heartbeat at 16 has sent me spiralling. This is very unlikely right? I'm 25 and healthy with one previous very early mc/cp at 5.5 weeks.

I feel like I can't be happy now because it could just die at any point. And apparently a good 12-14 week scan means nothing? Please tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this. My friends and family are all acting like ill definitely bring this baby home and it feels so wrong and weird. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to end.

It is unlikely. They say that the chance of miscarriage drops after a heartbeat is detected at 8 weeks and then even more so after the 12 week scan. However it isn't unheard of and I too have been scaring myself with stories of people who have had late miscarriages. I can't think of anything worse than attending my 20 week scan to hear that something has gone wrong. I think when you hear the heartbeat at your 16 week midwife appointment it will reassure you a bit and then there's not too long until the 20 week scan. I'm currently 17+4 and counting down the days! Once you start to feel baby move that will be a constant reassurance too, I'm still waiting on that.

All you can do is try and live a healthy lifestyle. Very little else is within our control so there's no point worrying.

Hi, I just read the same thread.

The chances of miscarriage prior to 12 weeks is something like 30%. After 12 week scan it's a few percent so yes its possible but it is very rare.

Unfortunately you can't think that way. there are risks all through pregnancy and after it too (even into adulthood you just don't know). Make sure you keep yourself calm and healthy, follow medical advice and keep an eye on any symptoms and hopefully reduce your risks significantly.

Hey @Missnicolinda96 I just read the same thread and it’s made me super anxious as I’m only 4 weeks! I thought 12 weeks would give me some relief but looks like I’ll have to hold my breath until my third trimester!

I don’t have any advice but just to say it made me feel the same! ❤️

Sorry - fat pregnancy fingers I've just read the same thread also. Im currently 17+6. From what I understand, it is really rare. My SIL works in a maternity unit and said cases over 12 weeks for miscarrying are rare. I know it's easier said then done not to worry but only worry when you have something to worry about is my moto!

@Missnicolinda96 I have been up and down with excitement. Nervous right up to 12 weeks then about 4 weeks of excitement then I too started seeing articles etc about people getting bad news at 20 weeks. Chances are you will be absolutely fine though. We had our 20 week scan a week ago and all the worrying was for nothing. It was hard though as we went from 12 weeks to 20 with no heartbeat checks or anything (our hospital apparently listen to the heartbeat for the first time at 22 weeks?)

You will start to feel baby move near that time too (all be it that brings its own worries as to begin with you feel them more some days than others cause they are still so small) it is a reassurance though.

Ifs easier said than done but try not to worry about what could be and just try and enjoy the process of growing a human and try to have faith in your baby ❤

Pregnancy is always a bit of a worrying time because obviously everyone just wants their baby to be well and safe. For the vast majority of people, that's exactly what it will be.

Unfortunately though for a small minority things don't go right and that's exactly the same for every aspect of life for everyone.

Worrying about what might happen, without any real reason to be concerned, isn't going to do anyone any good.

I know it's easy to say, but try to relax. I found reaching the stage where you can regularly feel baby moving a more reassuring time.

Thank you so much for the replies. I thought I'd be able to enjoy my 2nd and 3rd trimesters but I'm really struggling. I think it's the fact that this op had a perfect scan at 14 weeks then suddenly at 16 bad news?! Like wtf. I just feel like now a good scan is meaningless.

Hi OP. Sadly this is parenthood! You'll worry about them forever now, even when they are 39

It helped me to question WHY I expected to 'enjoy' pregnancy- it's not really enjoyable, it's a worrying and uncomfortable and frankly rather undignified means to an end! Some bits you will likely enjoy but try to be easy on yourself and don't expect too much of yourself in the way of having a fun pregnancy - most people don't in my experience.

I'm just going to keep in mind that this kind of thing is rare and most pregnancies are uneventful and do end in a baby

You have to remember that people often use the internet/ Mumsnet to process their grief and connect with others in the same situation as them, when everyone else around them seems to be having successful pregnancies. It can therefore seem like these tragedies are more likely than they are: in reality, it's still very unlikely to happen. It's a wonderful thing that people are able to feel like they can talk about their miscarriages and pregnancy losses compared to before but it doesn't mean that it is more likely to happen to you and the statistics about most people having reduced risk of miscarriage after 12 weeks is still true.

I learned early in my pregnancy that, unfortunately, if you Google it, you can find a story about someone having lost their child at every week in pregnancy. It's possible. But it is unlikely, if things are otherwise going well. I'd say that, if like me you find these sorts of stories anxiety inducing, try to avoid them until you are mentally ready to process them.

I had a MMC at 17 weeks and I’m pregnant again now - I purposely avoided baby centre and those sorts of apps because other peoples bad news would cause me to spiral. For some reason I feel comfortable reading threads on mums net because the titles are usually a giveaway - I don’t interact with anything that I think will disrupt my peace.

Also with my rational head on - bad news is not contagious but at the same time
If something bad is going to happen then it will, regardless of what you saw, what you did, what you thought. All you can do is take each new day as it comes xxx

I find this stats website helpful: datayze.com/miscarriage-chart

Obviously it can happen but the chances of a loss after a good scan at 12 weeks are very small (1-2%) and the chance keeps dropping by a small amount each day after that too. It's reassuring when the MW starts listening for a heartbeat (from around 16 weeks usually). I've been lucky and always started feeling my babies from very early on (11/12 weeks all three times) but I think about 17/18 week is average so not long to go. It is quite a subtle sensation to start with though so not always totally reassuring until a bit later when it's more obvious.

I'm really sorry about your loss at 17 weeks @Ameteurmum. Congratulations on your new pregnancy.

I'm due to have a laparoscopy in my second trimester so I can't relax either 😔 had my 12 week scan today and feel like I'm not allowed to get excited x

I saw a doctor about my anxiety (not a specialist in obstetrics) and she said I may start feeling flutters at this time, but I've felt absolutely nothing and I'm now 13+4. I know it's common for it to take a while in ftms but I've heard so many women say they felt little flutters around this time that I starting to worry.

I honestly didn’t feel anything till 20 weeks. Also had to go to the hospital a few times for reduced movements. My gorgeous girl was born happy and healthy at 39+5 and I had a wonderful birth despite being absolutely terrified. You can do this x

@Missnicolinda96 I think the best thing to do is accept that pregnancy is quite a worrying time. Yes there are all these Instagram mums who wear head to toe seraphine and look like they’re blooming/glowing whatever but the reality is normally different!
Try to accept that the risk of mc declines massively. There however will always be people who suffer tragedies. Remember that they are small in number.
Rather than trying to ‘enjoy’ pregnancy just accept it. It’s an experience, being pregnant, but it’s hard work!
Also I didn’t feel flutters until 25 weeks.

@Missnicolinda96 I really wouldn't worry that you can't feel anything yet, especially if it's your first. It is totally normal. Some women don't feel anything until much later. I think factors which can affect it include experience (with subsequent pregnancies you know what you are looking for); how slim you are (I had catastrophic weight loss in the first trimester in all my pregnancies so was usually clinically underweight at around 11/12 weeks this it obviously not good in general but apparently makes it more likely that you feel it); how busy you are (I was bed bound so lying still all the time and much more likely to notice it I am actually noticing the baby less now at 17 weeks than a few weeks ago because I am up and moving around); and also the position of the placenta -- if the placenta is at the front then you are less likely to feel anything, potentially not for quite a while longer. But at 13+4 with no. 1 you really, really shouldn't be worrying about not feeling the baby yet.

Having a first baby is a huge, huge change though so I think it's good that you are seeing someone about your anxiety. If you are very anxious in pregnancy it can make you slightly more likely to have post natal anxiety or depression so it is a good idea to seek support for it now.

Also as @Isabellabasil said above, you don't have to enjoy pregnancy (though obviously it's nice if you do). Historically it was thought of much more as a time of anxiety and risk and I think our bodies can still be in touch with that. I didn't really enjoy a single moment of my first pregnancy, it was just an absolute slog and an ordeal, and I was quite ill afterwards too. But I love being a Mum, DS1 is now nearly 9 and I'm expecting a third. My second pregnancy was hard going too, though less of a shock as I was prepared for a bad time; this is the first pregnancy I would really say I am "enjoying" actually being pregnant. I just mean don't make the fact that you're anxious just another stick to beat yourself with. Whether or not you enjoyed the pregnancy makes no difference to your mothering. You should seek help for the anxiety if it is severe; but worrying about your baby is a way of feeling love for them too, just as much as women who are already knitting baby clothes or whatever.

Firstly just get off those threads. They won’t help you. Not many people post about their non eventful healthy pregnancies.

I haven’t enjoyed a lot of it tbh. It’s been more stressful and worrying than the media led me to believe 😅 and I have had a fairly textbook uneventful pregnancy. No vomiting mild nausea, no bless, nothing weird at scans.

Despite this, I have enjoyed it for approx 3 weeks max out of 25 so far.

If you are worried maybe book some private wellness scans can give reassurance.

@Missnicolinda96

I saw a doctor about my anxiety (not a specialist in obstetrics) and she said I may start feeling flutters at this time, but I've felt absolutely nothing and I'm now 13+4. I know it's common for it to take a while in ftms but I've heard so many women say they felt little flutters around this time that I starting to worry.

Way too early to feel anything especially for a first timer

@Missnicolinda96

I saw a doctor about my anxiety (not a specialist in obstetrics) and she said I may start feeling flutters at this time, but I've felt absolutely nothing and I'm now 13+4. I know it's common for it to take a while in ftms but I've heard so many women say they felt little flutters around this time that I starting to worry.

I am surprised as It is really not. You must have misinterpreted it.

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-symptom-checker/baby-fetal-movements

Myself and 2 good friends are all having our first.

I was 18 weeks and was like “hmmm maybe that’s something…or it’s wind?” My insides also felt itchy. By 20 weeks I was more sure.
Other 2 felt was baby at 19 weeks and 22 weeks