SD not accepting of pregnancy

[north2south]

Hi All,

Hope you're well.

Looking for some advice. This is my first pregnancy and I'm loving it so far. My partner and I are so excited and I'm loving being pregnant! Everything has been a dream apart from one thing... my partner had a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 8 and a half and currently really isn't accepting of our baby. She didn't take the news well in the first place and having just getting over that an offering reassurance she's now told her mother she does want to stay with us when they baby arrives! It's really starting to upset both my partner and I. Everything is so lovely and perfect apart from this. I don't understand where this spite for the baby is coming from. I know she's acting out of jealousy and I can't help but feel she is trying to almost make her dad choose between her and the baby (which isn't good to happen). Anybody else had a similar situation? How did you deal with it and did it get easier!? She's the only cause of stress on the both of us right now and it's really wearing us down x

How long have you known each other/been in SD's life?

She's young and jealous. She's used to being her Dad's one and only (assuming she's an only child?!). Give her time, it's more than likely that she'll come round once her little brother/sister is here.

@north2south she is eight years old and is a literal child. I’m sorry OP but you’re being incredibly selfish and not seeing it from her point of view. I’d recommend you and your partner going to a family therapist to get expert advice with how to deal with this and approaching this topic with caution. Coping with divorce, family break ups and new dynamics is incredibly tough on children.

“She is the only cause of stress on us both right now” 🚩 🚩 🚩

Putting all the blame at the door of an eight-year-old child is unreasonable and unhealthy. Please get professional advice for dealing with this before you cause damage to the child and damage to her relationship with you and her father.

She's not a cause of stress, she's a child scared that her dad will love her less.

Pay her extra attention
Her dad should spend lots of one to one quality time with her, and talk to her about continuing to do that once her sibling is born
Try and talk to her about her feelings
Involve her in planning for the new baby, if she’s willing

It is your and her dad’s responsibility to help her with this. It’s a huge change for her.

She is literally a child.
Wanting everything to be "so lovely and perfect" is all good and well but the reality is you have blended families.
She isnt causing you stress, you and your DH are causing your stress. She is a bystander in all this.

Where is your DH? What is he doing? Has he thought about doing therapy with his DD? or going to some kind of parenting classes to help her adjust?

I think it’s easy to be wrapped up in this new and exciting stage of your life, and forget that your SD is a young child.

Presumably she’s been through the separation of her DP, a new SM and now a new sibling. It’s a lot for an 8 year old to go through. She’s not trying to cause stress; she’s trying to process more upheaval to her world. The focus needs to be on your SD and reassurance that her DDad will still love her and be there for her when new baby arrives.

You really can't see it from her point of view? Her safe little family home was blown apart and dad wasn't there anymore, she had to visit him instead, meanwhile mum was probably upset and struggling. Then she has to adjust to you being on the scene, as well as how mum feels about that. Then you're pregnant, she's not thrilled and your post makes it sound as if this is a huge inconvenience to you. She's not acting out of jealousy, she's acting out of fear. Her dad's moved out now he's staying a new family. She's trying to process yet more emotions that she's too young to handle, and it's you and her dad that have put her in this situation. You should be thinking about how to make it better for her, not you.

*starting

She thinks her Dad will love her less now. If he only sees her weekends / once a fortnight then you can understand her insecurity.

Er OP - she's 8 years old. She cannot process her feelings like an adult, or see things from other people's POV. It's the job of her parents to help her through what is understandably a tough experience for her. Specifically it's the job of her father, with help from you, to make sure she doesn't feel left out.

I'm assuming you might be very young and immature yourself, but if you can't understand that children cannot be expected to behave like adults, it does't bode awfully well for your future as a parent, does it?

Getting some professional help might be a good idea given that time is short.

She probably isn't accepting the baby yet because there is no baby! Not in her eyes. Treat her as you would 'your' baby when they may have a sibling due, reassure her, listen to her worries and work on them. Your baby is as much her sibling as it is your baby, she's just a worried child. Do as much as you can now and you'll save yourself the trouble later. She's your child's (half) sibling, not some fly in the ointment. Kindness and openness will put you in good stead for your DH parenting 2 children, it's him she's worried about.