Did anyone struggle to adjust/feel happy about planned pregnancy?

[LittleMysSister]

Long story short, I found out I was pregnant last week but it turned out to be an early loss as bleeding started Sunday. EPU have confirmed a miscarriage.

However, during the 2 days of knowing I was pregnant before the bleeding started, my overriding feeling was utter shock and dread. I felt really low and was just so worried about what the future looked like, how my life would change, how it would impact mine and DP's relationship. This is despite TTC for the last few months.

It has really worried me that I didn't feel any excitement at all. I am hoping that it's a combination of me being someone who really struggles to adjust to change in general, the fact that I barely had time to digest the bfp before it was gone, and the fact that we had been trying for a while so in my head I had sort of decided it might not happen naturally for us. Also I had 2 negative tests before my bfp so despite TTC it really felt out of the blue when I saw the second line appear.

I am really nervous about continuing to TTC now as the way I felt has really rocked me and I really don't want to feel so unhappy again. However, we don't really have time on our side to leave it for now and try again down the line.

I am just wondering whether anyone else has experienced mostly negative feelings on finding out they're pregnant, and whether that continued or whether you felt any better as time passed and you got more used to the idea?

It is so difficult as I have always wanted children, and I still do, but the actual way that I felt on finding out I was pregnant (worried, trapped, terrified) has thrown me massively.

I had the exact feelings you are describing, particularly the feeling of being trapped. The words "I f**d up" kept coming out despite this being a much wanted pregnancy.

I am 12w now and most of this has subsided. I am not an anxious person normally but scored higher than expected on the questionnaire by my midwife. I had lots of feelings of shame and worry surrounding my pregnancy at the time. A few weeks on and I feel much better. I do occasionally get a bit emotional but it is more like PMS than a full breakdown! The anxious feelings have actually given way to me being horny 90% of the time. I don't really know what to make of that.

Sending love your way

I am so sorry for your loss.

I felt exactly as you describe when I saw the positive test. Overwhelming feeling of oh god wtf have I done. I still do feel like that some days, and I’m 16 weeks now. Yesterday I felt really, really low, scared and tearful; but today I feel fine again. Some days are better than fine. If I’m truly honest, I don’t have any days where I’m bouncing off the walls with joy (which causes me a lot of guilt) but there are definitely far more good days than bad, the more time passes by. I am not enjoying the attention that comes with being pregnant, so I think that factors into it a bit.

I don’t have any good advice on dealing with it because I’m not sure I’m doing a great job of that myself haha but others have told me they felt like this too and that it’s perfectly normal not to enjoy pregnancy and feel like the earth mother types portrayed in the media. It’s the truly unknown risks I’m taking that I struggle with, because I am a risk averse kind of person that tends to seek out negatives so I won’t be unpleasantly surprised or disappointed. I have taken some comfort in a comment I read on another thread once that those of us who feel like this actually sometimes enjoy parenthood more because we were so bloody worried about the downsides!

Be kind to yourself, I don’t think there is one way to do this or the “right” way to feel. Xx

Thank you both @Steamedhams and @WorryMcGee for your responses, it's so nice to know I'm not alone, even though I'm sorry you felt like this too.

Tbh looking back now I think I have been really naive to expect that I'd feel happy. The way I felt and reacted is exactly in line with how I react to any big changes (new job, moving out, buying a flat...) so I should have realised it could potentially take me a long period of adjustment...and that's if I ever ended up feeling better about it. A pregnancy is obviously a process of constant change and unknown, followed by an even bigger change and unknown! So I think I probably need to come to terms with the fact that it may be a big struggle for me.

I do agree with the attention aspect too, I will absolutely hate that, and also although I literally only told DP and 2 friends, I found it very difficult to deal with their happiness and excitement when I wasn't feeling that myself at all. I just wanted to shut it away and not talk about it at all.

And now I've had to attend hospital etc for all this medical stuff, and obviously would have to do similar during another pregnancy, and that's a whole new world for me too as I've only ever really been to the docs for my pill check or smear. So even going to the EPU made me feel massively uncomfortable and anxious.

It is so hard to contemplate going back to TTC now a the unhappiness I felt combined with the subsequent awful morning in EPU (massive wait, then internal scan while bleeding plus blood test and worry about potential ectopic - luckily all looking OK for normal loss now) makes me just feel really afraid of the whole thing.

I've never felt like this myself. But I remember a friend saying she had an early pregnancy loss but that the pregnancy had never felt right. I wonder if the pregnancy had been viable, your hormones would have been different and you would have felt more invested in it? Just a thought.

Also, maybe your expectations for how you should feel are a bit off? I desperately wanted to get pregnant but felt hellish practically from conception until the moment of the birth. I can't say I felt a moment of joy despite knowing it was what I wanted.

Hey @Franca123, I've considered this angle too as I never had any symptoms at all except my positive test. So I do wonder whether one aspect of it was that whatever makes you feel maternal/protective or whatever just wasn't firing in me due to my body knowing the pregnancy wasn't viable.

Tbh it would make me feel a bit better if that were true.

Absolutely. Very much planned, tried for 10 months before getting g pregnant and then cried and felt awful for about 6-8 weeks!

It was a ‘what have I done?’ Sort of thing. I had my first scan and fell absolutely in love there and then.

Sorry about loss op x

Also agree re expectations. I guess society/the media just shows you a lot of delighted women when it comes to getting a bfp so it didn't really cross my mind that actually maybe a lot of other feelings are possible/normal too.

Thanks @User310, glad to hear your feelings changed :)

17 weeks now, planned pregnancy - at the beginnings I panicked, as 4 tests were showing negative and only 5th one 6 days after missed period date showed positive, so it was shock. Then I was stressed I was going to miscarry (I checked miscarriage rates for each of the weeks). Now I am stressing before the anomaly scan. I cannot say I've been happy about pregnancy for more than 30 minutes from time to time. I am hoping once anomaly scan is done I will chill out a bit.

Thanks Epli, I hope your scan helps you feel better :)

My worry is that the fear and sadness I felt wasn't really about anything going wrong - although I was quite worried about the medical side of things - but more about how I couldn't turn back, how my life would change forever, etc etc. It felt like a train speeding towards me down the tracks and there was no escape.

I know a lot of people feel highly anxious during pregnancy about the health of the baby and that something might go wrong, but that wasn't it for me. Although now if I fall pregnant again I'll have the worry of going through a loss again and all that entails.

I think this is normal and common, just not spoken about much! I’ve felt the same in all 3 of my planned pregnancies. I’m 11 weeks now and feeling better about it, but I definitely felt panic and ‘what have I done’ in the earlier weeks even though it was planned and I’ve done it before. I honestly think it’s hormones and the reality of change hitting you. All I can say is that if you do want children then try not to be put off just because of how you may feel in pregnancy - pregnancy is a crazy time and not full of joy for most women, it’s hard. But once you have your baby in your arms it’s all worth it. That’s why people decide to go through it again

Ah thanks @Hadenough21 :)

Having had a few days space, I know I am definitely going to press on with trying as I know that I do want to have a child. But I think I will be going into it with a more realistic mindset now in terms of how I'm going to feel when (if) I see that bfp, as the whole thing just took me by surprise so massively this time and I genuinely assumed the happiness of achieving what we'd been trying for would override any worry. Now I know that won't be the case I feel that I'm going in more with my eyes open.

I do still feel worried that I felt so low this time around, and also now have the added worry of how horrible this early loss has been physically and mentally. But I think ultimately to reach the bigger picture of what I want - a family - I will need to suck it up and just try and keep calm.

Sounds like a good attitude OP.
I fell pregnant within a few months of trying and at 33 was expecting it might take much longer so I felt pretty surprised and overwhelmed/intimidated when I saw the positive test rather than just happy and positive feelings.
Pregnancy has not been fun, I've been sick, constipated, gassy and bloated, now at 29 weeks I am starting to get pelvic pain.
But I am slowly adjusting to the idea of becoming a mum and how myself and husbands lives will change.
Nothing can take away how big a responsibility it is so going in with eyes open is important.

I felt similar. I also miscarried and the next pregnancy I felt a lot less like I'd made a huge mistake! I got used to the idea before DS arrived but still occasionally look at him and think "wtf have I done" (due to the terrifying responsibility, not regretful at all he's ace)

Thanks @SouthwestSis. I am 33 too :)

I think I've just been massively naive about the whole thing, including the physical elements that you mention. The images we get fed of pregnancy via the media and TV shows etc don't really show the reality that pregnancy is actually quite scary and worrying for women physically.

For me, even this super early loss has involved more medical intervention than I've ever had for anything in my life. I've spent hours waiting in the EPU, had an internal scan which was horrific, urine samples, blood tests and more to come next week, plus the worry hanging over me about whether it could be ectopic etc etc. Luckily it looks like that isn't the case but it has been such a stressful time and it does make me nervous to do it all again.

Sorry it has been so rough for you OP.
Yes I've never had so many medical appointments in my life and that's with my pregnancy going relatively smoothly.
There's the mental health side as well as the physical side too, the hormones can play havoc with your mood, and your sleep. It's important to let close friends and family know when you're finding things tough and need a bit more support.
I hope you can get a few quiet weeks now to rest after the ordeal of this month.

It took me 6 months to conceive my daughter and I was so happy because it felt like such a relief after a 6 month wait. This time I fell after 3 months and my initial reaction was 'oh shit what have I done', I think if it had taken longer I would have been happier. It's normal! Sorry for your loss xx

@SouthwestSis Thanks, although I know it's nothing compared to what some go through. Was just such a huge shock for me as it was so early I just thought it would be a matter of letting it run its course, I only even called the docs just to double check.

Totally agree re the mental health side, my friend has recently been in a Mother & Baby Unit due to her MH taking a huge hit after birth and when I was feeling so low last week I genuinely wondered whether the feelings I was having were the kind of thing that land people in there quite honestly.

@Nillynally Yes I think that was part of it for me too, because it had been a few months since coming off the pill I thought that once I finally saw that bfp I'd be so desperate for it that I'd just be thrilled, but it wasn't the case at all.