TW: baby loss. Dh banging on about me showing and i can't even acknowledge the idea of being pregnant.

[HeyFloof]

And he's getting in my nerves. It's every day "Floof, you're showing" "you've no chance of hiding it" "it's really obvious".

Apart from the fact that it's really fucking not. I've said each time that don't want to talk about, I can't talk about it, i don't trust my body or believe we'll be bringing a baby home. It sets my anxiety off hugely.

For background, we lost a baby boy at 21+4 this time a year ago, literally the 14th. He was very poorly and we had to make the decision to let him go. Since then, I've had a chemical, and then a MMC, discovered 9 weeks but couldn't have medical management till 11+.

I wouldn't have engaged with maternity services if my bereavement MW hadn't phoned to discuss results from my DSs placenta and my MMC.

I've had an early NHS scan and there was a heartbeat at 9 weeks. I have the dating /NT scan on Thursday (which is a year to the day when we found out exactly how ill DS2 was). We'll be a few rooms over.

I don't think there will be a heartbeat, I think that I'll be taking medical management pills a year on from DS2 dying. I keep saying to him that if we get past this scan, then it's getting past the blood test results. Then there's plans for an early anatomy scan in fetal medicine at 16 weeks to see if it's another poorly baby.

I just can't see any positives, I'm frightened of believing it will be OK. I need him to stop going on about it, we'd agreed at every step that we won't be saying anything for a long time. I don't want anyone to get emotionally invested for it to be another poorly baby who we lose.

I just need him to stop bringing it up. I don't even really believe I am expecting really. I can't say "I'm pregnant" even to myself, even writing that there freaks me out and makes me feel ill.

(I have been reffered to the perinatal mental health team, but I can't engage with them with them either, not yet.)

You have been through so so much OP, I think it's totally normal to feel so apprehensive. It sounds like your DH doesn't quite appreciate how seriously you're feeling and is getting caught up in the new pregnancy excitement. I suppose everyone handles these things differently and maybe for him his way of coping is to throw himself into looking forward. Nothing wrong in that except he can't expect you to go along with it. Have you set out your feelings to him as clearly as you've written here?

Sorry you're going through this :( Sounds rough!

Your OH is probably coming from a place of love and care, but it's coming across wrong. My husband has just had it explained to him that no version of "you look big/pregnant/showing" is going to be welcome even when he means well. I feel like a bloated whale at 13 weeks, no bump, just bloat, and the last thing I want to hear is how obvious it is!

You don't have to answer if you don't feel like you want to or can, but was the medical issue something potentially hereditary or just bad luck? How likely would it be for that to happen to you again? Would it help if statistics were on your side, so if it was just a rare chance it would be really unlikely to happen again.

I'm glad you've been referred to the MH team, and even though you feel like you can't go to them yet, you really should try. The first step is the hardest, and you need to start. You're in for a miserable ride for 6 more months if you don't try to process this.

That’s awful OP, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. It’s totally understandable why you’re apprehensive and he should respect your wishes more.
However, he’s obviously excited and that’s understandable too. I don’t think he’s being massively unreasonable as it’s coming from a good place and he’s allowed to be excited but I understand why you’re struggling.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Pregnancy after a late loss and multiple losses is so, so tough. And coming up for the first anniversary of your loss is really really tough too. I really hope you can get the message through to your DH that you can't deal with thinking too much about your pregnancy until after your scan and after the 14th. I know I found it so difficult to trust that things would probably be ok after my loss and I found the perinatal mental health nurse very helpful, just to talk about all my fears. I hope all goes well and you get all the support you need.

I know exactly how you feel, I'm right there with you. Lost DD at 22 weeks last year, I'm now 16w4d with another girl, and I'm really struggling.

I have been signed off work this week, as it's just got too much (there's other things going on too) but I was m referred for a cervical scan and that just tipped the balance.

In my mind, once we've had the 20w scan, and the fetal heart scan a few days later (we've had one that was fine, but at 14w, still so tiny so I just can't trust it) I think it'll get easier, but that's still four weeks away and it feels like a mountain to climb. It's obvious to anyone who sees me that I'm pregnant, and my DSDs are super excited, I still want to hide my head in the sand.

I felt exactly as you did before my 12w, I had a complete meltdown in the scan room and the bereavement midwives got involved and calmed me down - it actually was the best thing I could have done as up til then, I'd held it together in front of everyone and I don't think there was any realisation how bloody hard it was for me, even from my DH. Was hysterical for a good half hour, then came home and slept for four - I think It helped, weirdly.

My advice (although I'm not overly well placed to give it) would be don't try and be strong, show your cards, and let the feelings out. I think we're both totally normal to be feeling like this, and it's alien to engage but I have now, and it really does help.

Thinking of you, we can totally do this xx

I understand exactly how you feel. Our baby was born at 20+2 in April and I'm currently 18+5. I've felt everything you've described, and still do to some extent.
I've had a few sessions with a counsellor and have found that extremely helpful.

My husband sort of understood but it's my Mother in Law that annoys me the most. She keeps telling me I just need to be positive, that thinking the worst isn't helping things and that we were just unlucky before. But my only experience of pregnancy ended very sadly, so it's almost impossible to believe there can be another outcome. I guess if they've never been through it themselves they'll never truly understand how we feel. But our feelings are valid and we can't help how we feel.

As my pregnancy has progressed I've started to feel slightly calmer, but as another scan approaches the anxiety kicks in and I start assuming the worst again. I think it's inevitable to feel like this in pregnancy after loss, and it's something we have to endure to some extent.

Something that might help is a book by Zoe Clark-Coates called Pregnancy After Loss: A day by day plan to reassure and comfort you. Whilst I don't think the anxiety and worry will go away until you have a healthy baby in your arms, there are things like the book or possibly counselling that can make it slightly more manageable.

Thank you everyone for replying, and I'm so so sorry to those who have walked this path too. I truly appreciate it.

I know he's not wrong exactly to be excited, it's just been such an excruciating time. There's been so much sadness.

@GinnyBee he had a very serious form of spina bifida, plus other issues and basically we were never going to get to bring him home. When I went in to be induced, I was already dilated and contracting although i hadn't realised. It's hard to be comforted by statistics, which is 1 in 25 chance of reoccurrence now, because it was a 1 in approx 75,000 chance with our baby who died. The odds are technically in our favour, but they don't feel like it.

slippertripper I'm so sorry, its the shittest club to be part of. There's no respite from the worry. My PTDS counsellor said that it's why therapy after late baby loss is so complex. If you get into a car accident, you aim to never get in another. But when you lose your baby, and you're trying again, you are essentially in fight or flight the entire time, triggering yourself or doing avoidance. I want to say congratulations on your baby, but I know that might not be what you want to hear. I know exactly what you mean, I want to get as far as the fetal medicine scan, and then through the anomaly scan. I told my DH that in between 16 and 20,if we get that far, I'm going to pay privately for an anomaly scan. I know I won't settle. We're both twitchy but he's so much more positive than me about it.

ewlo I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I have zoe Clark-coates on my IG, and it does help to hear the snippets from someone who knows and gets it. Thank you for replying, and wishing you a healthy, happy remainder of your pregnancy.

OP I feel and understand what you're saying so much. So sorry for the loss of your babies. Although it doesn't bring any comfort I'm sure, I do think it's 'normal' when you're part of this club which nobody would choose to join. My baby was stillborn at full term last year and currently 17 weeks with his sibling. I have done exactly as you're describing, initially went into complete denial mode. Was meant to call the bereavement midwife straight away and didn't, still can barely say the words 'I'm pregnant'. When you've been through the worst pain imaginable, it's hard to believe that it could be positive and I think we try to protect ourselves; self preservation has been a key aim in life for the last year! You'll be particularly heightened with the dates this week being so closely linked to your precious son. I hope that when you're ready for it, you receive good support. Take it one day at a time, there is absolutely no right or wrong - all of your feelings are valid. Gentle wishes to you x

@sunshine423

OP I feel and understand what you're saying so much. So sorry for the loss of your babies. Although it doesn't bring any comfort I'm sure, I do think it's 'normal' when you're part of this club which nobody would choose to join. My baby was stillborn at full term last year and currently 17 weeks with his sibling. I have done exactly as you're describing, initially went into complete denial mode. Was meant to call the bereavement midwife straight away and didn't, still can barely say the words 'I'm pregnant'. When you've been through the worst pain imaginable, it's hard to believe that it could be positive and I think we try to protect ourselves; self preservation has been a key aim in life for the last year! You'll be particularly heightened with the dates this week being so closely linked to your precious son. I hope that when you're ready for it, you receive good support. Take it one day at a time, there is absolutely no right or wrong - all of your feelings are valid. Gentle wishes to you x

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. Its a pain like no other.

Denial is right, despite all the planning and wanting and waiting, it's like preparing for the worst all over again.

I think depending on what happens tomorrow, and with the blood results, I might try and get an appointment with perinatal MH.

Gentle congratulations and love to you xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. It is a really difficult situation to be in. I have had several early losses, did 3 years worth of ivf and had generally everything going wrong in my life. It has been so difficult to acknowledge this current pregnancy and think it may possibly work this time.
I spoke to a wonderful counselor via my recurring miscarriage clinic and what he said really helped me- so I thought I share. How you feel you need to deal with this period is the right way! It's a very difficult time and people who force you to be positive have absolutely no idea. Explain clearly to people what you need. My dad kept telling people about my pregnancy before I felt ready and I told him to stop. He absolutely couldn't understand and only listened begrudgingly but he did respect my wishes. It helped me to tell me that this was the official advice of my psychologist and that how I was dealing with the situation was actually right.
The other thing he said that helped was that I shouldn't force myself to embrace my pregnancy but if I caught myself doing something positive in terms of expecting my baby that I celebrate this.
I told him that at some point I was looking at cots but "just to see how they looked- not actually wanting to buy it" - he said that this was a great sign- a significant point of acceptance. I'm now over half way and I can see where I have made improvements- but I admit that I still cannot accept that we will actually make it and actually take home a baby. That's ok. That's how far I can reach at this point. Hang in there. For me distraction was key- lots of series on Netflix. Take care.

OP I'm so sorry about the loss of your babies, and that you're going through this. Pregnancy after loss is so difficult and impossible to manage.

We lost our first baby at 23 weeks in early Feb of this year. I'm currently 29 weeks with his sibling. I had set milestones for myself - 20 weeks was a big one, as was 23 weeks - but ultimately reaching them hasn't reduced my anxiety all that much. I can't imagine giving birth to a living baby.

It's hard when others close to you don't understand. My husband is generally supportive, though there definitely are differences in our grieving and handling of the situation that cause tension, but I find family the most difficult. I hate being told to be positive for the baby, or that the baby can 'feel my stress'. I find this so incredibly triggering so I just disengage from everyone. And I'm learning (with help from counselling) not to feel bad about this disengagement. Maybe I will forgive people later. But now is not the time.

As others have said I think, you should try your best to get in touch with the perinatal mental health team. I appreciate it's really hard and that you can't be pushed. But - at least in my experience - they are really understanding and helpful.
You could also see if your hospital has a support group - your bereavement midwife will know (or likely will run it). My bereavement midwife runs a support group for people pregnant after a late loss/stillbirth - we meet online once a month and honestly it is very helpful, i find it makes me feel less crazy and less like I'm thinking all the 'wrong' things.

Take care, and know that there are lots of us out there who are here with you and supporting you xx

Try not to squash his excitement, as hard as it might be. He's not doing anything wrong as such.
I found myself to relax a lot more after the point of the previous loss, which was earlier than yours.
After a sobbing fit or despair I was offered weekly scans by my consultant for a while which really helped. She did this for my MH rather than concerns for baby.
Wishing you well