Devastated by miscarriage

[Presently83]

Hi all,

I'm completely new to this site, having only looked at it for the first time a few weeks ago, 9 weeks pregnant, for the first time, excited that this might actually be happening. I've wanted it forever. I'm 38.

Then 2 weeks ago, at 11 weeks, while on holiday in Spain with my BF and his whole family, I had a miscarriage. It was missed, apparently the baby died a few days after we had an early scan at 7.5 weeks when everything looked fine and there was a healthy heartbeat. I had to stay in hospital for four days having it medically removed, most of the time alone because my BF had to be with his young son, and I feel completely traumatised by the whole thing.

I can't believe this has happened. My sister in law had her second baby today and it has set me off again. I'm terrified I may never have children now.

My BF doesn't understand; he's trying to be supportive but is being much more pragmatic about it ('it wasn't meant to be') than me, and he already has his son. I feel so lonely, sad, depressed and empty. It's scaring me how much grief I feel for this, and all the waiting to try again is driving me insane.

I'm doing as much as i can to work through the grief and emerge stronger on the other side, but i'm worried this and the anxiety of this having been my last chance is going to break me.

I’m sorry that you are going through this, that’s horrific. You are a strong lady. You aren’t alone even if you do feel alone, there are loads of support forums out there with people in the same boat, you just need to go looking. Those people will be much more understanding of your situation than anyone close to you.
How long had you been trying for? Can you push the doctors to refer you for tests? I would get the ball rolling on that one as the nhs take a long time when it comes to investigations.
If you would like another baby, focus on what you can control…your health, diet, prenatal vitamins, limit caffeine intake etc…it will give you a sense of being in control.
Focus on things that make you happy like your hobby’s and give yourself something to look forward to every day even if it’s just a soak in the bath. You can’t forget about you in the midst of grief, look after yourself and cherish the things you love about life.
You will get there again, you will. Life can be so bloody hard sometimes and it’s so unfair.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Tommy’s have midwives trained in bereavement counselling and there is a baby loss support group so you can get support from others who know what you are going through. It’s devastating to lose a much wanted baby, so sorry.
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support

I understand. I was at a point of complete depression and suicidal thoughts after my last loss, feeling completely traumatised by surgical management and like I couldn't parent my son. It does get better but its just like any other loss...it hurts and some days it hits you more than others. I think the above posts have it covered but I just wanted to tell you that you will come out of the other side of this.

I'm so sorry x

Sorry for your loss. It won’t be your last chance. I’ve had 2 MCs at 37 and at 40, with one child in between and currently pregnant again with all going well 🤞so you have time. Good luck.

Of course you are. You’re grieving. You’ve suffered an awful loss.
My first pg was a mmc. I didn’t even know that could happen. I was devastated and felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. I was so depressed.
You’re allowed to feel how you feel. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
If it helps even a tiny bit. I now have two kids.

Life can be so very unfair, went through mmc myself- it's such a horrible shock when you find out 😞 I'd recommend Natalie Crawford md podcast called as a woman, there's a very uplifting episode on loss and miscarriage, I listened to it so many times when grieving. There's loads of empowering fertility episodes too! Please be kind to yourself, what you're going through is very tough. Your partner may not understand you completely but don't push his attempts to cheer you up away, my husband was grieving too but chose to put a brave face for me - I see it now. Sending love and light! I hope you get another chance, I really do x

You are allowed to feel grief for the baby you lost. You have to remember that it’s not just the baby you’re grieving for, it’s the lost dreams and hopes you had started to imagine. Like making birth announcements, finding out the gender, buying clothes, selecting a buggy/car seat/cot, selecting a name, planning a baby shower and basically everything that a first time mother has to be excited about. It’s a lot to have to deal with.
It is okay and normal to feel depressed. I also miscarried earlier this year. I am now 12 weeks pregnant after three months of trying and feeling so down and worried I was just too old to get pregnant. Each time my period came I would get into a really down state.

My other half was trying to convince me to have hope when it was blatantly obvious I was miscarrying. He even said something along the lines of, because I was talking about it, I was making the miscarriage a reality. I just think he was in denial and didn’t really know what to say.

If you decide to try again, it will be tough on your mental health because if you try for a while you feel immense disappointment. Once you are successful you will still feel anxious and question every symptom you have. Going to the toilet causes me anxiety because I check every wipe for signs of spotting. Once I spotted after sex and I was so scared.

If you feel like you are not coping, please speak to your GP or a specialist organisation to receive support. I found the mumsnet forums very helpful and I was happy to hear of good news stories to give me hope.

I hope none of what I have said has upset you more, I only speak from my experience. The doctor explained to me that miscarriage is extremely common but it is only because most people don’t talk about their experiences that we don’t get to hear about the problem compared to some other health issues.

Thanks everyone; your support and kind words mean so much, it's heartening to know that so many women have been through this and come out the other side, even though I can't really see the other side right now.

I know I just have to work through this grief - mainly the grief of losing an imagined happy future - and will get there in the end, but right now it all feels so unbearably overwhelming.

@Littlebee90 it was actually our first time trying, which is why I felt quietly confident that it would all go well, and it did for the full 11 weeks (or, rather, it seemed to be), but it came at the end of a very, VERY tumultuous year...

My BF and I broke up after a year together at the end of last year because he didn't want any more children - he has one - and I knew I wanted to try for a baby this year. Neither of us were willing to compromise so we broke up, which was heartbreaking and awful but felt the right way to go.

After much thought I decided to go it alone in February, signing up with a private fertility clinic, buying several vials of sperm, and preparing to do IUI. I told my ex what I was doing, and a few weeks later he came back to me saying he was still in love with me, had made a terrible mistake, and wanted to be with me and have children with me, even if they were not biologically his, because he didn't want me to feel he was trying to stop my planned route to motherhood.

I told him that I was set on my plan and that maybe once I had a child we could reconnect; I was so decided on having a child and didn't want to delay it any longer by getting back together with him and seeing how things went for a few months.

The first IUI didn't work and then I discovered I have one blocked fallopian tube, with no explanation as to why because i've never had an STD, an ectopic pregnancy or a pelvic infection. Devastated, my clinic told me i was best off doing IVF, which would be hideously expensive, but i sucked it up, remortgaged my house, and decided to go for it. (COVID meant i couldn't go NHS because as a single woman i would not qualify for a free round if i was over 39, and by the time their regular waitlist and COVID waitlist got to me, i would be 39.)

During this time my ex and i started having more conversations about what a future together would look like, whether we really wanted the same things etc. We decided to gently give it another go, I paused treatment at the clinic, and after 3 months we decided to try for a baby.

I was amazed that it worked first time, but still fairly anxious, but week by week everything seemed to be going well, and as we closed in on our 12 week scan i was feeling confident, I'd even bought a load of maternity clothes as I gained weight and told a few friends in confidence because it was all feeling so great.

The drop in feelings when i started to bleed on holiday was awful. And then having to deal with it all, largely alone, in a Spanish hospital, was hideous. I speak quite good Spanish but have never had to use such medical terminology so was totally lost in it all. I feel completely traumatised by the whole thing.

I also moved cities to be with my BF when we decided to give it a go (he has to be near his son) and so i'm living in a new town and feel really distanced from all my family and friends. My work is giving me very little pleasure at the moment so the one thing i was excited about was our relationship and our baby. With the baby gone i'm questioning everything, including whether i'd be better off just being sad by myself, because if this doesn't work and i cannot be a mother I know I won't be able to stay with him and be a stepmother to his son.

I can't tell him all of this because he'd be devastated. We're going to be having some couples counselling to try and get through this together, and maybe it's just grief talking and I'll be ok in a few months or so, but the level of anxiety I feel at the moment is mad. I feel like i'm in the middle of a panic attack every waking moment (which is a LOT because I'm not really sleeping at all).

Hi op, you've been through so much. Just wanted to say I see you and hear you, your termination to become a mother us admirable and I have zero doubts you will get there- just look at your story. What an absolute hero! The grief is still very, very fresh - I wouldn't expect a particular time line when you might start feeling better, it's hard to say. Try and get out each day, dream on and hope. Things will fall into place, you clearly love your partner very much and counselling is an excellent plan. Its OK to feel weirded out by his words now but he commited to starting a family with you so be patient with your relationship dynamic. Deep breaths, darling fellow mumsnetter x

Hi OP

Just to say that my first pregnancy (also conceived the first month trying) ended in MMC. I saw a doctor privately about it who said it is very common for first pregnancies to end that way, why that is or whether it’s your body having a sort of “practise run” I don’t know. People don’t talk about it much but you would be amazed at how common miscarriage is. I bet very many if not most of the women you know with children have at some point also experienced a loss. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you won’t go on to have a successful pregnancy. I also had dreadful anxiety around the time of my MMC; I think it’s the sadness of the thing and also don’t underestimate the hormonal tornado you will be in, which can make you feel dreadful. Don’t make any snap decisions about your relationship; just try to take each day as it comes and trust that you WILL feel better eventually.

Thanks all, @Crossornot I think you're right, I don't know why it is but several of my friends had MMCs first and then went on to have successful pregnancies after - did you? How long did it take you to conceive after, if so?

@Presently83 I did yes, I think it took four months after the MMC, and in the end it was the first month that we used the clear blue ovulation monitor that we conceived again, though maybe that was coincidence. In that four months it literally seemed like everyone I knew announced a pregnancy and I felt very despairing. I have a two month old now. You and your partner are obviously very fertile so try to believe that it will happen for you.

@Crossornot It truly is the case that as soon as something like this happens (or getting pregnant doesn't) every single person you see is a mother, pregnant, or a child. It's ridiculous. I'd like to move to the moon right now please.

Just to echo the above, I had the exact same experience. Pregnant 1/2nd month, MMC, then pregnant again 4 months later. It’s heartening it happened so quickly for you! What a rollercoaster of a year. Wishing you well.

Hi, just wanted to send a big hand hold. The grief from a miscarriage is just awful. I don't think there is any other way to put it. I found it lonely process as though my partner is great - he is the first to admit he wasn't emotionally attached the same way I was to my lost babies.

I'm not sure I can offer advice on how to cope. When I lost mine after allowing time to be sad we just started trying again. Moving the focus back to hope for the future of having another child (my losses came after our first son).

And I completely empathise about step parenting. My partner has an older daughter and it took 8 long months to make my first son and seeing her and other babies it just so tough. And you are right - it feels like everyone is pregnant when you lose a baby.

If it helps as I am sure at 38 the age pressure is scary. I at my first at 38 and my second at 41. Don't be scared by ages there is still time

I just really don't understand why it happened if there was a strong heartbeat at 7 weeks. Most of what I've read says that a heartbeat at 7 weeks drops the likelihood of miscarriage to 1% which makes me panic that there was nothing wrong with the baby, it's my body that somehow rejected it.

(And therefore that it's bound to happen again)

It isn’t bound to happen again OP, honestly. I imagine that lots of women who have miscarriages don’t have scans in very early pregnancy so I’m not sure how accurate those stats can be really. The doctor I saw was - in an extremely reassuring way - completely unsurprised by my MMC and in no doubt that I would go on to have a successful pregnancy. As she said, a massive number of complicated and delicate things have to happen for a baby to progress to viability. A heart beat is just one of them. Your body hasn’t done anything wrong. This experience is, unfortunately, all in a day’s work for nature. Try not to google too much and just focus on helping yourself feel better and healthy. The whole thing can be incredibly draining and depleting I know. Look after yourself and steer clear of punishing thoughts.