To plan go to my next scan by self AIBU?

[letsmakethishappen]

So I’ve had all the routine scans and dh has always come along as he should. He also insists that dd8 comes along of which I’ve explained to him that she will get bored due to waiting times and interrupt the sonographer with too many questions and that it’s not a family day out and kids aren’t allowed!!

Told him this before all the scans and he doesn’t seem to get it! I don’t know why as every-time we go there I ask him if he can see any kids he doesn’t respond (there’s never any).

This gives me unnecessary stress as we end up arguing apparently I ‘know it all’.

Am under consultant so obviously I see the consultant after the scan. Am now not feeling comfortably for him to be around the appointment at all it’s his baby yes but it’s still confidential as I am the patient.

Next scan is in 3 weeks am on maternity leave and he’s the sort of person who needs reminding. AIBU to not remind him and just go by myself?

Our hospital makes it clear that children are not allowed to attend. I really appreciate the quiet, because its an anxious time for a lot of people.

I think I’d give him the option. I’d say “DD cannot come to the scan. Would you like us to go? If you will not come to a scan without DD, I will go on my own”. If he’s difficult about it, just don’t tell him when your scans are. It’s all stressful enough being pregnant, having extra scans, and being under consultant led care, without your husband asking to the stress.

As for your medical history being repeated to your MIL, just tell him that the consultant wants to see you alone after your scans.

*adding to the stress

but he’s always there listening obviously explaining everything to his mother. This is my medical history it’s confidential.

Why is he repeating anything to his mother?!

“ Is your partner often dismissive of your opinion and how you feel”

Yes he’s 6 years older and British (I wasn’t born here) so he thinks he knows everything. Will go SOLO next time.

To be frank your dh seems rather stupid to think
a) it's appropriate to take a dc
b) a dc will be allowed to the scan.

And no, you don't have to tell your dh about scans.
It may be his baby but its a medical appointment and it's your body.

@JumperooSue

At my trust, children aren’t allowed in the maternity unit atm due to covid. There are never allowed in scans, even in normal times, if a couple brought a child one parent would have to wait outside with them!

This is the same for n my trust and as it should be. A medical scan where sadly not everyone receives good news is no place for a child.

My hospital very explicitly states if you bring a child along your appt will be rearranged. I have seen people turn up with kids and been turned away.

Even if it wasn't 8 is too young to understand what's really going on. it can sometimes be a long wait for the scan and if you then have to wait for any tests or doctor. If it's bad news then they have to deal with it. it's incredibly hard.

I've been to a couple of scans alone due to various reasons and been fine. i do prefer to have someone with me though just in case of any bad news

Is the older child also your child? How are they able to get every appointment off school? Is the issue more that she's not your child, or have I completely misread the tone?! What is your learners reason for wanting her so involved? Usually they don't like other children at these appointments, maybe just tell him they've requested her not to attend?

@letsmakethishappen

“ Is your partner often dismissive of your opinion and how you feel”

Yes he’s 6 years older and British (I wasn’t born here) so he thinks he knows everything. Will go SOLO next time.

It sounds like you might have bigger problems than just this tbh OP.

You'd cause an argument if you don't tell him. You could forget until the day before / morning of though...

“ Is the older child also your child? How are they able to get every appointment off school? Is the issue more that she's not your child, or have I completely misread the tone?! What is your learners reason for wanting her so involved? Usually they don't like other children at these appointments, maybe just tell him they've requested her not to attend?”

She’s my dd too. I never want her to attend as I know she will be bored and will ask the sonographer a million questions. She’s been on school holidays during 2 of the scans. She will be in school for the next scan. Not that I’d take her anyway I was just asking if AIBU to leave dh altogether and go by myself as he had been stressing me out about taking dd which ends up in arguments / stress before each scan

Its no children allowed in our trust, and rightly so. I've had lost pregnancies and had to sit back in the waiting room. It should be the one place in the world where women experiencing such devastating news can be in an environment without children.

Honestly I think the dd issue is a red herring and there’s a lot more going on here: You’re obviously very irritated by him and distrusting of him. And you feel he doesn’t respect you or have your back.

If DH stresses you out at these scans, don't take him! Your health is paramount. He might sulk but you & the baby come first. Why is he so adamant to take your 8yr old? Very weird tbh. Good luck 🤞🏻

Mine came to my 12 and 20 weeks scans but I’m also getting growth scans and consultant clinic, so at 24/28/32/36. He didn’t come to those and wouldn’t occur to me to ask to be honest! A lot of work for him to miss. Don’t think men get the same bonding experience from scans as we do, they bond more when baby is born 🤷‍♀️. I get a bit fed up with all the scans tbh…would much rather see the baby when it comes out haha

By mine I mean my DH sorry, my 3 yr old hasn’t been to any scans.

Our trust says In the letter one adult can accompany you to the scan, no children allowed.
My OH been to the 12 and 20 week scan only. I've had two more growth scans after bouts of lack of movements. As we'd been in the day before for monitoring and he heard the heart beat he didn't come to the extra scans as he'd rather the time off one little one is here.

Most of my extra scans are booked while am there so there’s no letter. There hasn’t been one obstetrics letter which said kids are not allowed. But it’s common sense it’s just not a place for kids .

Thanks for all replies xxx

I've had fortnightly scans from 24 weeks and didn't take DH to any of them (aside from the earlier 12 and 20 week scans) so YANBU. Honestly at the later scans there isn't as much to see. When baby is bigger it's not a lovely full body picture, it's a picture of their head circumference or femur length etc. It's very medical imo and not a big bonding moment really. This is what I told DH when I decided to go on my own. I also like being able to talk in private with the doctor. There were also times where my Trust just didn't allow partners - GTT and BP monitoring which happened quite unexpected so it would have been impractical to have him there waiting in the car for hours.
I think what a PP suggested about not giving him lots of notice of the appointment (eg.day of) is probably the gentlest solution

As per the other poster - I was consultant led and had regular growth scans and they are so quick and routine and really hard to see much of the baby as it's just the head or then the heart etc.

One thing that might put him off - each appointment is scan then consultant. Every scan was bang on time, consultant was always late - sometimes an hour late. I spend my Friday afternoons hanging around waiting rooms. Not fun

My husband hasn't been to all my scans, and I don't have loads of extra ones. It just hasn't always been convenient for him to take the time off work, and neither of us are fussed.

I'm surprised you're even allowed to take a kid at the moment with covid tbh. At my hospital it's an absolute no - if you show up with a kid they will re book your appointment.

Don't take your kid, it's not a family outing, it's a medical appointment. Book a private scan for a family experience.

@mumofmunchkin

My husband hasn't been to all my scans, and I don't have loads of extra ones. It just hasn't always been convenient for him to take the time off work, and neither of us are fussed.

I'm surprised you're even allowed to take a kid at the moment with covid tbh. At my hospital it's an absolute no - if you show up with a kid they will re book your appointment.

Don't take your kid, it's not a family outing, it's a medical appointment. Book a private scan for a family experience.

Sorry, my tone was off in that, having a rough morning! All the best OP