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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Do you guys feel really supported by your partners?

19 replies

SickOfCrap · 28/10/2021 18:26

34 weeks today. Feeling tired and grumpy.
Pregnancy has been great so far with me not having any morning sickness, no complications at all and I've stayed active up until now. Running around and outta the house doing errands, everything normal, except that there's a baby in my belly.

My husband has always been a rude person to me. He treats friends, family, coworkers, everyone nicely and everyone loves him. Guess he saves his worst part for his wife, because he knows (or thinks) he can get away with that. On the other side, he can be the most loving and fun guy with me. I swear to God it's like there's two of him...

There has been a lot of episodes where he's rude to me, or doesn't talk to me, I cry, he doesn't do squat. 2 of those episodes, I got very very nervous and anxious and ended up feeling pain and crying my eyes out. The moment he realizes something more serious happened, like this, or that me or the baby might be in danger, he rushes to help and take care of me.

Now I'm really confused cause I'm sick and tired of this BS!
I need and deserve to be treated with respect at ALL TIMES, pregnant or not...
How much can you tolerate? What can I do to make him see that I will leave him if this doesn't change?

He's also incapable or acknowledging his faults or apologize for them.

Now, I know what everyone will say: BUT YOU CHOSE HIM, YOU KNOW HOW HE WAS AND WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM AND BLA BLA BLA... I don't need that kind of comments because I know I'm the idiot in this whole story for allowing someone to treat me like that... But I could really use some good advice here.

Thanks a lot!

OP posts:

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 28/10/2021 18:28

It will feel much worse when your child is watching it and then starts imitating it. Leave him now.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/10/2021 18:35

Although I would leave, I respect that you have a lot invested, he’s about to become a father and so to some extent you will have to deal with him for next 18yrs as co-parents even if you did leave. So I think you are hoping for a way to help him become a better person toward you.

It might be possible. The only way is for him to want to change and for him to pursue therapy to find out why he pushes away loved ones by being rude to them. It is common for adopted children or abused children to grow up feeling unlovable and so they “test” the love of the ones closest to them by being nasty. I don’t know why he is the way he is with you, but it’s his problem to solve and you need him to try.

Obviously you don’t have to put up with this and can leave, it’s not your job to fix him. But I can understand your desire to want to help him become a better person, especially as he will be a father soon.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 28/10/2021 18:38

What can I do to make him see that I will leave him if this doesn't change?

All you can do is leave and mean it. Threatening to leave won’t change anything nor will leaving and returning a few weeks later if he offers empty promises. He shouldn’t need a warning to be nice to his partner. Like you said, he should be treating with you respect all the time, even when you’re not pregnant.

MarshmallowSwede · 28/10/2021 19:12

I think some men respond well when you somewhat emotionally detach. It’s not the healthiest of ways to deal with this, but perhaps instead of crying and begging for his attention to treat you better, you treat you better.

Detach and grey rock him. I don’t think the sort of man who is rude to his wife all the time but nice to others, has any other way to be dealt with.

Angeldelight21 · 29/10/2021 06:38

Op, try not to worry the most important thing is that you and the baby are well.

Sit your husband down and talk to him, explain to him that this cannot carry on like this. Tell him how you feel and what options he has got. He needs to start anger management training/therapy/councelling ASAP.

Do you think you could speak to his parents about his behaviour as well?

You have fallen in love with him once so hopefully you can work it through X

tiggerwhocamefortea · 29/10/2021 06:49

I think it's fairly common OP - the behaviour you describe? My DH seems to save the "worst" of his behaviour for me but is the life and soul of the party to everyone else. They do it because they know/think they can. Only way is to call him out on his bull shit and be clear and firm of the consequences of it continuing to happen. Not to scare you but the worst of it is yet to come when you are in the trenches of caring for a baby and there is little to no sleep happening - most couples relationships struggle in the first year of having a baby without harbouring feelings of unhappiness/resentment before hand

tigerbreadandtea · 29/10/2021 06:52

Pack a bag and go and stay with someone for a few days abs think about the kind of life you want for yourself and baby.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/10/2021 06:56

I have only one piece of advice. LTB.
You don't want to hear it but you will come to realise its for the best after years of being unhappy with this man.

Vix1977 · 29/10/2021 07:28

Things get a lot harder once the baby is here. It will be amazing, but also lots of tough times.

You need to be a team and work together to get through it. You will end up leaving him anyway at these points if he isn't there to support you as your relationship will not be a priority for you.

Sit him down and have a proper conversation about how you feel and what you need. Listen to his response and go from there. If he is defensive, negative or anything then you have your answer.

Happy mum - happy baby!!! Look after yourself xx

Flamingosnbears · 29/10/2021 08:54

Talk it out With him and make him aware of how your feeling

ftw163532 · 29/10/2021 08:59

What can I do to make him see that I will leave him if this doesn't change?

Either you leave or you don't. It's not something to use as an empty threat.

He behaves like this because he's comfortable you'll never leave and will continue to take it. Is he right?

gelatodipistacchio · 29/10/2021 09:04

How much can you tolerate? What can I do to make him see that I will leave him if this doesn't change?

I tolerated it for about 10 years. Having a baby brought things to a head because after she was born, I couldn't help but see how badly his behaviour was impacting both me and my baby.

I cried, begged, insisted on therapy (which he refused to do for literally years), and eventually left when he wouldn't change his treatment of me.

Foghead · 29/10/2021 09:05

I agree with pp and detach a bit. Tell him that you don’t like the way he treats you and if doesn’t improve, you’re leaving.
Then act like you mean it. Tell him what you need him to do and let him
Know that you don’t need him in your life but you want him and if he makes you feel you don’t want him, then you’re fully capable of walking away.

romdowa · 29/10/2021 09:06

I'm 38 weeks and my partner saves his best behaviour for me. Listens to me moan about being in pain, rubs my back , he went without so I could pay a private physio to help with my pgp and does all housework because I'm in agony. He wouldn't dream of treating me badly, because 1. He loves me and 2. He knows I wouldn't tolerate it. There is nothing you can do that will make your dp treat you better. Sadly it has to come from him.

gelatodipistacchio · 29/10/2021 09:10

Oh, and I didn't feel supported at all in pregnancy. My ex was annoyed when I felt very tired. He thought that I was malingering. When I had to get extra scans, he wasn't interested in coming along. When I was a few days overdue and forced myself to go out to a late night event, he thought that I was being a bitch when I said I needed to leave *now"

MoreAloneTime · 29/10/2021 09:16

You say he's always been rude to you, did you hope he'd change with your pregnancy. He won't change.

expectinglittlebear · 29/10/2021 10:57

@SickOfCrap Is there any chance your partner is autistic and/or has bipolar?

The reason I ask, is my DH is both, and I relate to a few things you said there - feeling like there is two sides to him, him not understanding emotion when you are crying etc. My DH hasn't understood the hard work that pregnancy is at all, physically and emotionally and finds it extremely difficult to sympathise. I personally don't put up with any shit from my DH and put him in his place if he is out of order and understand my worth and don't get walked over etc.... BUT as he is diagnosed bipolar and mild autism, and has never been able to understand other people's emotions well, I do understand that that's just part of who he is, he can't help the way his brain works and I love him for who he is and wouldn't change him.

So back to my original point, is your partner either of those things? If so, that may be why. If not, then yes I agree with PP and you do not deserve to be treated that way, especially if it isn't his brain and he is intentionally doing it!

JackJack84 · 29/10/2021 11:52

Sounds exactly like my ex husband. Everyone loved him & thought he was great with his public face on but at home he was absolutely horrible. We also did have some good times but the negatives far outweighed the positives.

I tolerated it for 9 miserable years before I came to my senses & got out. Best thing I've ever done, he was never going to change. I'm 3 years down the line now, happy in a wonderful relationship where I'm treated with respect & looked after. I'm also 37 weeks pregnant & my partner has been brilliant.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 29/10/2021 12:00

Fuck me; I’d leave.

BUT YOU CHOSE HIM, YOU KNOW HOW HE WAS AND WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM AND BLA BLA BLA... I don't need that kind of comments because I know I'm the idiot in this whole story for allowing someone to treat me like that... But I could really use some good advice here..

The only good advice here is to consider if this is how you want to live your life; and the relationship that you want to model to your child, and then make a decision based on that answer.

I wouldn’t have tolerated that - I couldn’t. I did for a relationship before DH, and it was hell.

DH is lovely and life is infinitely better, and I thank my lucky stars that I saw the light and left. I had more than enough threads here where people told me he wouldn’t change and to leave; and I refused to believe them and thought it’d sort itself out, or I could fix him. Nah.

I’m 32 weeks and DH would do anything to make sure me & baby are comfortable. He is my absolute rock. We are in this together, just like we were before I was pregnant, and we will be afterwards. You deserve that, too. And your child deserves a decent Dad.

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