what the hell do I do with this new little thing?!

[dolly1]

Ok so I'm 22 weeks it's just really hit me that I have to look after my baby and I don't know how to do it!
I know that makes me sound like an idiot and believe me I'm not, but I just don't know anything about tiny babies.
This morning I read the book of a certain baby guru and burst into tears - how the hell am I ever going to get this child into a routine?!
So I'm asking mumsnetters to advise - please!
How do I get my baby into a routine? When do I feed it, put it down to sleep etc?
Any advice/tips would be so appreciated. Suddenly feeling very overwhelmed and worried.
Have no one around to help us so we really need to be able to cope.
I know I said I wasn't an idiot but please feel free to treat me like one!
Thanks!

Hi, dolly1, I felt exactly the same as you - had no idea about babies, had never really been around them.

Please don't get stressed about routine - don't even think about it for the first 6 weeks. Most babies are actually quite good at establishing their own routines and you can follow their cues to work towards something you can live with.

I concentrated far too hard on laying down a rigorous (prob not quite as rigorous as the 'baby guru') routine with dd1 and she is quite an anxious child, possibly as a result of that. With dd2 I just structured everything around her and she is far more laid-back and was a very 'easy' baby.

(Of course my experience isn't universal, but what I'm basically saying is please don't worry!)

The best advice i can give is relax...

To be honest the first few weeks are a bit of a whirlwind and i would say that you are unlikely to get into much of a routine until the baby is a few weeks old. I'm sure others might disagree though.

You will be amazed how quickly you will establish a good routine if you concentrate on having a night time routine and some form of feeding routine. We followed the baby whisperer which advocates watching your baby to take your cues from them rather than a regimented routine although she does give a basic routine to follow.
Please don't panic, you will be fine.
enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Feed it when you think it might be hungry; put it down to sleep when you think it might be sleepy. You'll end up the best judge of both of those as only you'll know your baby best.

Re routine - some babies fall naturally into that kind of routine, in which case you don't need a book to tell you what and when, just notice what your baby's like and build a routine round that. Other babies will have nothing to do with that kind of routine and no amount of putting them down when they ought to be asleep will have any effect. Lots of babies are somewhere in the middle. Ask mums of many children if all their babies have been the same in terms of feeding/sleeping patterns - you'll find they vary a lot! You can get a feeling of control by learning what your baby needs far more IME than by trying to impose on them a routine that may not suit them (although if it does, that might as well be the routine you use).

You will be fine!

Don't worry about getting a newborn into a routine, it simply won't happen. Don't stress, most of it will come naturally, honestly!

Initially, all your baby needs is regular feeds, nappy changes, warm clothes and a bath every few days in water. In the beginning they only really cry for food or if they've pooed, they sleep a lot!

Don't worry about routines til your baby is a few months old, then just start off getting them into a regular bedtime routine, and making sure they get enough naps in the day. Mumsnet will be here for you then if you need advice!

Don't panic, you'll be fine!!

Routines are far more stressful than just enjoying your baby. The first couple of months will be over in a flash.
Feed it. Cuddle it. Change it. Keep it warm. Let it sleep. You'll be grand.

your baby will let you know when it wants,feeding,changing etc-youll get it.only advice is dont worry!and keep mning!

Haha, several similar messages! This is the first of a few pre-birth wobbles by the way. Have you had "OhMyGod is my sex life/social life/career over with now?" yet? I had that one a few times! (they aren't, by the way!)

There's only one thing to remember - no one else on here knew what the heck they were doing either, and their kids lived to tell the tale.

DONT.

My friend is adamant that trying to follow the routine of certain baby gurus is what plunged her into pnd and a feeling of utter incompetence. She felt a mothering failure from the moment she started taking these books seriously.

My midwife told me. DONT READ ANY SUCH BOOKS.

Come here instead.

Feed every four hours but DON'T LOOK AT IT.
Put out in the garden for the afternoon but DON'T LOOK AT IT.
Change occasionally but DON'T LOOK AT IT.

Think that's about everything

I had never even held a baby before my DD1 was born. I wasn't into babies at all really and I knew nothing about them at all. Add to this the worry caused by my parents telling me when I was a child what a crap parent I would make when I grew up and all I wanted to do was get it right

I found not reading books about how to look after babies help keep me calm during my first pregnancy - none of it makes much sense before you have the baby and once you've had the baby you'll decide at least 50% of what you read is total rubbish or mainly irrelevant to your situation.

Ignore all this routine rubbish (just as everyone else said), it's all a bit pointless when they are very young and when they are old enough to start a routine you'll have more confidence (honestly!)

One of the best thing that happened to me was the day after my DD1 was born and visitors were playing 'pass the parcel' with her and she was crying. All I wanted was for them to hand her back to me although I had no idea what to do with her to make her happy once I got her back. Eventually my MIL saw my worried look and handed her back, DD immediately stopped crying and snuggled into me. Everyone said 'ah, she knows who her mum is'. That was all I needed, I knew no matter how many times I messed it up (and I did lots) she would forgive me (in the end). It'll be the same for you.

We did it with no help at all, no family or friends to babysit (MIL) died shortly after DD was born and the rest headed for the hills as soon as I mentioned babysitting (plus they all live miles away - and that's how I like it ). If I can do it, anyone can. I'm sitting here with DD1 ill with a tummy bug and DD2 very ill with a virus (temp 39.5), I'm still at a bit of a loss about what to do for the best - that's why I'm on MN right now - for moral support. Hopefully you'll have a good MW and HV to stand by you, but MN will be a big help too I'm sure.

Essay over - is anyone still reading this?????? Hope it helps

three cheers for coby's post.

dolly, listen to the wise MNers. God knows they kept me sane when I didn't know what to do with ds!

Oh I liked coby's post. Have been feeling just like dolly this week and coby's post made me feel so much better.

dolly - are you on the due in April antenatal thread? Apologies if you are - but if you aren't, come on over - we are very nice there x

Ladies thanks so much for those posts. So kind of you to take the time and you have made me feel better - I'm not the only clueless new mum to be - thankfully!
Have had a bit of rant at poor dh who keeps telling me everything will be fine - wonderful even - and I feel very lucky that he's there and supporting me.
Still freaked out but as best mate reminded me - if I wasn't she'd be worried.
Guess this is just parenthood and every time I get a little kick I feel a bit better. He's mine and abover everything else I'll love him to bits and I suppose thats a good start.
Does anyone have 'they usally need to sleep for about X long at such and such a time and then feed for X long' type of plan they used? Just to give me an idea.
I don't want a strict routine - just a rough idea of how to stop day turning into night and vice versa for the next five years!

Dolly1, I felt exactly the same when I read (what I suspect is the same )book by a 'baby guru' when pregnant with my ds. My eyes were full of tears and I felt that if this was what it was supposed to be like, then I wouldn't be able to do it. Ignore the book and just follow your babys cues - its much less stressful.

routine can be helpful but as everyone has said, forget it for at least the first few weeks - really just enjoying your baby and getting to know them is the most important thing - i really wish i hadn't been so hung up on the routine thing when my ds was days old!! Being made to feel inadequate and that you might not be doing it right is really NOT a great way to start parenthood.
Just accept that the first few weeks will be crazy and sometimes overwhelming (but also sometimes absolutely amazing!!) and don't panic about that.
You could try Penelope Leach "baby and child" which is not very routine-y but somehow very reassuring!
My ds is 13 mo now and i still have a look at it, she is wise lady.
All the best to you, you will be great!

Babies dont know whether they are born in England or Australia, so to begin with night and day will blur. (And you will be cross eyed from tiredness)

Mine when he was very little would feed every 2-3 hours. That is normal. Some feed more often, some less often. Some sleep a lot, some dont. The first weeks your life will revolve around feeding, changing, and putting to sleep, and occasionally feed, change and sleep yourself, hey if you are lucky, you get to have a shower now and then. If you just take all the pressure of yourself, and dont gear yourself up to actually DO much aside from caring for your baby, it will be fine. It is when new mums start putting pressure on themselves, they feel stressed. Take the baby for a walk when you are up for it, try go see the health visitor for weigh in, try join the NCT or something and go to mum and baby groups. Aside from that, just be. Just take it easy.

Don't worry about day becoming night and so on - there isn't some terrible situation you can get into through doing it wrong in that sense. You yourself will generally want to sleep at night, the whole house will be dark, people won't do things - the baby will gradually fall into that habit too. There really is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all-newborns plan. On any given day between 10 and 11 am, for instance, some newborns will be wide awake playing, having had a feed, and will then have a nap; others will be in the middle of a sleep and about to wake up wanting a feed; others will be being walked round the house grizzling with wind or reflux or whatever. Some will be having long naps, some short, some will be in the middle of marathon hour long feeds (get that remote control and get comfy!), some will have just had short feeds. None of those parents will be doing things wrong, they'll just all have different babies with different temperamants, stomachs, windiness, ability to feed quickly or slowly etc. The mums will also have different milk capacities in their breasts (doesn't correlate with cup size incidentally) so that will affect how often their babies need to feed. The one thing you can be sure of is that between 10-11 am with a newborn you will be doing one of: feeding, changing a nappy, winding, rocking/comforting, patting, stroking, putting in cot, carrying in sling, cuddling, clearing up sick, walking in pushchair, sleeping yourself, washing something up, putting on laundry, making a cup of tea, feeding some more. But who knows exactly which you'll be doing for your particular baby!

Oops, forgot baths - esp after big leaky poos!

Dolly1 - I wish I had known about MN when I was about to have my ds. However, I relied heavily on my local NCT group - although I only joined them once ds was about 6 weeks old, I had not met them before that.

Try and make sure that you see other Moms if possible - your local mothers and toddlers group, your NCT, etc... Don't stay at home all the time, leave the washing, ironing, dusting, they will get done. You will soon realise that all new moms are going through the same thing and you can learn from each other, have some helpful advice and some fun.

Hi Dolly

at all comes together you have ur baby bring him / her home and do what u think is best and it all falls in to place my daughter in 21 months and she has just got in to a "routine" I am pregnant again and i am prepared it is hard but babys dont come with a manual thank god there is mums net to seek advice xx