Unsure if I'm expecting too much of my husband, please help

7 replies

sleepymama2020 · 27/10/2021 11:18

Hi all
Looking for your advice and experience to check myself and my expectations of support!
I'm currently 27 weeks along with DD, already have DS of 15 months and am a SAHM who works 2 days a week, DH works a full time usually desk based job but does include travel 2 or 3 days a week.
Recently I've been feeling exhausted and have been asking DH for some help around the house (I do everything chores wise except take out the bins). It fell on deaf ears for a long time so I left with DS and we stayed at my folks for a week so I could have some rest time, nothing like your parents looking after you!
I was met with 'you're taking my son away from me' (not true, he knew where we were, I FaceTimed him daily and made it abundantly clear he could see him whenever he wanted, I just would not be coming home just yet), and there wasn't a lot of consideration for why I took the time.
Fast forward 4 weeks, he'd committed to cleaning our 2 bathrooms every week but has only done so twice so I've still been doing everything around the house. I've raised it again, but it seems to have angered him and caused general annoyance towards me.
This morning I cried when I woke up as I was still so tired and found the thought of facing the day with a sick DS daunting. He went to leave for work without so much as a goodbye so I asked him why, he instantly got angry with me and told me I'm unapproachable, my crying due to being tired is not normal and that I ought to go and see someone about it. I'd like to add hes generally been withholding affection from me (touch is my love language, it's a big deal for me) and it has been getting worse.
I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much from him to help me out round the house a little, and if my upset feelings on his lack of affection is an overreaction? How were your DHs during your pregnancies?
Thank you!

OP posts:

AssignedNorthern · 27/10/2021 11:23

You are not asking too much and you are not overreacting, you are reacting to his lack of care and thought for your needs while heavily pregnant. He sounds incredibly selfish and he is trying to turn it back on you by suggesting you are the issue. You are not the issue his lack of basic support is.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/10/2021 11:24

It's not about what he's like during your pregnancy, it's about what he's like generally. Your household chores should always be shared between you. You might work less than him but on your days not working you are with your DS, not at your own leisure!

If he can't bring himself to do his share of the household chores then he can pay for a cleaner instead.

And of course, at 27 weeks whilst looking after a 15 month old you're going to get more tired than usual. Being weepy isn't unusual during pregnancy especially if you're tired! He is not being very kind or empathetic towards you.

stalkersaga · 27/10/2021 11:25

No, you really aren't - either expecting too much or overreacting.

I'm sorry you're feeling so tired and low. Pregnancy with a young toddler in tow is very hard.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 27/10/2021 11:29

You’re not a SAHM if you work 2 days a week.

You’re not expecting too much. Your husband is lazy and it sounds like he’s being mean just for the sake of it. Tiredness and being emotional are quite normal during in pregnancy and he’s trying to suggest there’s something wrong with you because otherwise he’d have to acknowledge the issue is him.

Original poster

sleepymama2020 · 27/10/2021 12:29

@AssassinatedBeauty

If he can't bring himself to do his share of the household chores then he can pay for a cleaner instead.

We used to share it 50/50 then when I was pregnant with DS I worked in a field based sales role which was scaled back, so I took it all on as DH was very busy still. It has remained the same since, as has his lack of empathy. He seems to think he works his 40h/week and that's his contribution done which I can't fathom. He's fabulous with DS but not with me any more. Is this just the usual adjustment to having kids?

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AssassinatedBeauty · 27/10/2021 12:53

No it's not a usual adjustment! You're not his skivvy and childminder, you're supposed to be a partner of equal worth. You work, and you take care of your DS the other 3 days of the week. If you weren't around the household would have less income, your DH would need to pay for childcare for 5 days a week and pay for a cleaner to do a decent number of hours a week. Then he'd have to do all the other household stuff including cooking for himself and your DC.

He is not doing a fair share and he is being very unkind to you by suggesting it's not normal to be tired and weepy sometimes during pregnancy.

Original poster

sleepymama2020 · 27/10/2021 16:26

@AssassinatedBeauty

He is not doing a fair share and he is being very unkind to you by suggesting it's not normal to be tired and weepy sometimes during pregnancy.

Thank you, the comment about a partner of equal worth hit hard when I read your reply and there's definitely something amiss here. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me and ultimately validate my point of view

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