Partner not being supportive when 8 months pregnant

[PlantMummy87]

I'm due in less than a month with our first baby.

A few weeks ago my partner unexpectedly lost his job as a contractor, and he's decided until baby arrives he won't look for a new one due to issues with paternity leave etc. I understand and support this. My only issue is since he finished his work he's become quite unmotivated to do anything. For the first few weeks I just let it be as thought he needs a rest but now it's getting frustrating. Don't get me wrong he has been doing some DIY here and there which I'm grateful for but the past week this has stopped and he's been working on his own things as he said he was feeling stressed from it. Currently I get up in the morning to start work (luckily still WFH) and will sort the cats breakfasts out, clear up after the cats (one has been a bit sick recently so the last few days have involved me scrubbing this off the carpet), unload the dish washer, the last few days I've started washing the baby things so will put a wash load on, make my breakfast, start work, and he's still sleeping/in bed on his phone with the curtains closed in until like 10/11am, even if he can hear the cats crying at me as I'm trying to work. Then I'll be the one to make lunch for us both (and I'll be the one to pop out to the shops if we need anything extra for it, despite it being on my lunch break and him not working), I'll then reload the dish washer, hang up the washing and put it away once dry, and after work make dinner, hoover, clean the house, as well as plan meals and buy groceries for the week. If I want things done like the bins as it's too difficult for me right now with a bump I have to ask him several times as he just doesn't seem to notice the bin is full. If he does do anything like clean the bathroom, after I've asked him to, with chemicals I can't use currently I feel like I have to really thank him as it is using up his precious time. There are also a few things we need to still get for the baby and it's me that is having to research, find and purchase what these things when he could easily do it. As well as this I've asked him to watch some of the online hypnobirthing videos on a course I purchased so he can help me when I'm in labour, but he's still not done this either.

I know I've always been the one that is more proactive and sees dirt and mess more than him. Granted I have high standards and like the house to be clean and tidy so will a tidy and clean regularly (I know this will all probably change when baby is here) so I don't have to devote a whole weekend day to cleaning.

It is starting to frustrate me a bit that I'm heavily pregnant and I'm still running around trying to get everything done, whilst working full time and he doesn't even think to ask if I need help for things like carrying the hoover up and downstairs all the time, or whether he can help do the washing that is the clothes for our baby, or if he can do anything to help me, even if it was just to offer me a cup of tea or get up at the weekend early to feed the cats so I can have a little lie in. He knows I had plans to do some batch cooking when my maternity leave starts, and he could have been doing some of that now as he's seen me defrost and clear out the freezer in preparation for this, and let me have a rest on my mat leave, but for some reason he seems to think anything remotely baby related is something I need to be fulfilling or that my mat leave pre baby is meant for that. Even though he knows baby may come earlier than due date and maybe I do just need a rest before baby arrives. It's like he doesn't realise how hard pregnancy is on the body as for example of we go for a walk he's powering ahead, whilst I'm unable to keep up as have been experiencing Braxton Hicks and back pain quite a lot.

Not sure what I'm trying to get from this post just feeling frustrated and needing an outlet, but not sure if I'm just hormonal and being unreasonable as usually things are good with us. Just worried when baby is here he is going to be expecting me to still be doing everything and more as I'll be off on mat leave and he'll be 'stressed' 😟😥

Have you explained to him exactly how you feel ?

It must be very frustrating for you. Write him a list of everything he needs to do and do not give him dramatic praise when he does anything on the lift.

Suggest tonight you both watchyour hypnobirthing video together and just put it on right after tea a s say ' it's on'

Urgh I feel for you OP, this is not on. He almost sounds a little depressed tho, with the oversleeping and the not seeing things needing doing, did his job loss effect him badly? Also, how are things normally with the division of labour in your house, before he lost his job was he like this or would he do his fair share?

I'm currently going through similar with my DH. He seems to have no desire to look after me even though I'm almost 39 weeks and ready to pop, I'm still doing 90% of the household chores and admin. Its bloody infuriating.

Thanks for the support @Strangevipers and @Bananapancakes6, I really appreciate it. @Bananapancakss6 sorry you are in a similar boat. I really hope your partner realised and you get to have a good rest and be looked after, and I really hope birth and everything with baby goes well for you 💐

Although losing his job was unexpected, as he is a contractor it's sort of the name of the game as companies can just drop you. My partner was going to end the contract just before baby was due to arrive anyway, so it just ended just over month or so earlier than expected. He found the job stressful so think he is relieved to have left it, but part of me does think he is struggling a little with having lost it so suddenly. He is someone that gets stressed out incredibly easily, hence I know the change with a new baby will definitely cause him stress.

I've definitely been the one that cleans and plans more throughout our relationship than he does. I think he just has a different standard cleanliness of what he is happy to live in (not saying that he is happy with a disgustingly unclean house, it's more that I think I just have incredibly high standards. Not trying to be judgemental or generalise all men at all but both my brothers and male housemates/previous partner I've lived with before have been very similar in that they just don't have as high cleanliness standards, and my partner is better cleanliness wise than most of the other males I've lived with), which is why I don't think he sees the mess when it is there or does anything about it until it is a lot worse than I would be happy with it to get if that makes sense.

@Strangevipers I think you are completely right and that I need to tell him in list form what needs to be done without feeling bad that it is using up his time or give dramatic praise when it is actually done. And you are so right I should just set a time we are watching the videos and watch them together, I guess I wanted him to want to watch them, but I think he just isn't prioritising that as much as it needs to be right now so I need to just push it in the right direction.

Thank you both again for your kind words xx

Feeling better now as he made us both lunch (without me asking, and only needed direction on what we had in to make) and shared a kit kat with me (he definitely brought it for himself, but was lovely he shared it!) 🙈😻

For god sake stop thanking him for doing stuff like cleaning the bathroom! Just say that you want to work out a way to split chores now he has more time and you’re less physically capable. Sit down, divvy up stuff and agree to stick to it. Given he shared the Kit Kat I’m inclined to think he’s a good guy and that a proper conversation will sort it all out.

As for the baby prep, maybe some of the stuff you’re doing he doesn’t think is necessary so is staying well out of it? Like washing clothes, reorganising the freezer and batch cooking. I know a lot of people like to do it but I’ve had 2 kids, didn’t bother with any of that, and got through the newborn stage just fine!

Then why don’t you watch the hypnobirthing stuff together and actually explain whatever it is you want him to do to support you when you’re in labour. He probably thinks it’s all hippy videos of some women breathing so that’s why he’s avoiding it! If you put it into context I’m sure he’ll be supportive.

Good luck