7 WEEKS PREGNANT AND FEELING LIKE IM MADE A HUGE MISTAKE - PLEASE HELP

[1234worried]

I would love to know if anyone has had any similar experiences because I am feeling so lost and depressed.

I have been with my partner for a year... recently engaged. He is the kindest, loving, patient, emotionally available, stable man I've ever been with, who offers me the worry free life I have always dreamed of (staying at home and looking after babies).

Getting to the 'biological clock screaming at you' age of 35, and desperate for a family and children, I did a lot of work on myself to understand why i was desperately in love with toxic avoidant and emotionally unavailable men (daddy issues!), and decided to make the sensible choice for my life and love someone for the right reasons, despite their not being the crazy passion and attraction that always left me damaged. I met my partner only a few months after my last crushing heartbreak (unfortunately too soon but you can't let a good one go!) After I settled into the relationship I felt like my wildest dreams had come true and I was truly content for the first time in my life.

We knew we needed to crack on on the baby front, so just over a year later... I am currently about 7 weeks pregnant. I was so excited and happy to be pregnant until about 4 weeks in when he proposed.

Then I started obsessively doubting EVERYTHING. whether i loved him, whether i am attracted to him, whether i will be in a loveless passionless life, whether i even know him that well, have I settled, whether i will end up alone with a baby. My anxiety is through the roof, and I was diagnosed with ROCD - super intrusive thoughts about my relationship. But it feels so real and it's absolutely terrifying. I feel so depressed and feel like I'm making a huge mistake. I hate being around my lovely partner because all my feelings are gone for him and it terrifies me, i have nothing to say to him because I'm so consumed by FEAR. I keep having dreams about my recent ex, and another one from years ago - steamy in nature! And I look at my wonderful, kind, committed man and just feel repulsed.

I FEEL SO GUILTY.

Has anyone else had similar experiences, how did you get through and did it go away once the baby was born?

Hi! First of all i am so sorry your going through this OP - certainly not what you want to be feeling at this magical time.

I have had similar feelings about my amazing DP (although i wasnt pregnant) and for around 3 weeks i felt like i hated him. I have no idea where they came from, or why i suddenly felt this way. He is truely my soulmate in every sense of the word and i adore him to pieces, but something felt wrong. We had been living together for 6 months at this point, moved in together after 3 months of being together and throughout the lockdown - i was woried i had made a massive mistake and considered ending it all.

But then, i actually thought of my life without him there. Without his support, his humour, his kind helping nature. And even though i was still freaking out, it was clear my life would be much much worse without him in it.
After around 3/4 weeks, all the negative thoughts had gone, and i fet as madly in love with him again as i did before. For me, i put this down to coming off the pill as i believe the hormones were making me depressed and anxious about everything. Whether its coincidental or was the reason i dont know - but thats what i put it down to as i had nothing else to complain about.

Maybe its all your raging hormones that are affecting your thinking. Dreaming of ex's doesnt usually have a deeper meaning than you think - it could be that you saw something in the day that reminded you of them subcoinciously at it came out in a dream, dont punish yourself for that.

First off, cut yourself some slack. Pregnancy hormones and dreams are the craziest. It's completely normal to have strange dreams during pregnancy.

It's also completely normal to question everything in your life when you get pregnant. You're embarking on a massive, life changing experience. You're going to be responsible for a whole other person.

Go and see your doctor. Talk to them. Speak to your midwife and your partner.

If you're not certain of the relationship, that's ok. Don't quit work. I know you have dreams of being a stay at home parent but giving up work isn't wise when you're not married and especially not when you're unsure of your relationship.

You've got time here.

I would consider speaking to your midwife/GP about antenatal depression and going to therapy if possible.
I went through something similar last year, I have depression (& anxiety but that's a daily companion) but my last 'flare up' was like 8 years ago during the stress of university. I think the stress of the covid situation made it resurface for me and unfortunately it directed the majority of my negative feelings towards my husband of 4 years.
I didn't have particularly passionate relationships prior to him, but they were all damaging/abusive in some way & when I chose him, it was definitely because he made me feel safe and comfortable.
I had similar feelings to you, that this wasn't 'enough' and lamenting that I would never feel the passion that I'd read about/seen on TV.
My husband is a wonderful man and we have a healthy sex life usually but this disappeared as I did not want to be touched at all (a recurrent symptom of my depression). Looking back I was honestly not thinking straight at all and was really spiralling mentally. I have some trouble with my memory and I felt that I couldn't remember why or how I fell in love with him & doubted if I even loved him at all. I felt very distant towards him. My husband really struggled to handle this and said some things that didn't help the situation but he just didn't know how to cope with me.
Coming out the other side of my depression was like a fog had lifted, I was suddenly looking at the man I loved again and I felt secure and happy in my relationship again. We managed to have lots of talks about some of the issues in our relationship that were highlighted by the situation and ended up feeling much better and even ready to start trying for baby.
In some ways even though last year was extremely challenging & I was very close to leaving my husband I was grateful we went through it because I had a tough first trimester, emotionally & physically and a lot of the same feelings resurfaced, we were just in a better place to handle it as a couple and try not to let it escalate to the same level. Once first trimester symptoms eased I felt much better and now am sappily in love with my husband which feels like my hormones going the other way!
I also had very vivid dreams in my first trimester, some of ex boyfriends who I am 100% not attracted to/interested in anymore and know were abusive assholes.
I don't know if this is particularly helpful as I just 'got through it' but you aren't alone in feeling this way at least. I would definitely ask for support from your midwife & consider therapy as it would be beneficial to try and work out if this is just depression/anxiety/hormones making you feel this way or if it's indicative of genuine doubts and issues in your relationship. It may be that they are there but are just being exacerbated by your pregnancy and you need to feel in control of your thoughts so you can decide if they are things that you can work on.

I met my DH at a similar age. I was very much focused on having children at that point (was planning on going it alone) and was very happy to find that DH wanted the same things as me. We have never had that butterflies and fireworks kind of relationship, though I have only really ever felt like that with one guy and he turned out to be a lovebombing narcissist- outside that experience I’m just not really the butterflies type. We got on well, laughed together, I found him attractive and I trusted him, he felt the same and wanted the same things so we went for it basically.

In our case it took much longer to get pregnant. I definitely had some huge doubts once I got pregnant, not about the pregnancy as such but questioning myself, had I ‘settled’, were we actually a good match, we were really stuck together now we had a child on the way but actually is that what I wanted? I definitely had some kind of hormonal thing going on where I really felt quite irritated by everyone and everything my husband and felt quite a strong dislike for him at times that must have been pregnancy related as it wasn’t there before or since!

I’m not going to gush about how he’s my soulmate and the perfect man for me and it all worked out like a dream come true - that’s just not me, it’s been hard in lots of ways since our daughter was born but it’s also been the happiest time of my life too. I do still find myself absent mindedly thinking about what would have happened if I’d stayed with this guy or that guy, or stayed single and still got to go off on my idyllic long holidays with my child free friends, but it’s like 10 seconds and back to reality and my reality is mostly a good one.

I do think it’s helpful to stop thinking so much in extremes - I notice you had an idea of your DP as almost a knight in shining armour after the terrible, toxic exes - in reality much of life and most men fall somewhere in between. The reality of life post baby for us has been real ups and downs, incredibly hard in the newborn phase (if we’d had the energy we’d probably have split up to be honest, luckily we were too knackered) and getting steadily better to a point where we really are a very happy family, but it’s still tedious and repetitive and ‘just ok’ at times. I think it’s quite normal - at the start of a pregnancy looking down the barrel of all that to think ‘shit what have I done’.

Definitely talk to your midwife and maybe explore a referral to the perinatal mental health team.

It’s worth saying that it is still very early days for your pregnancy and you do still have options if you really feel you don’t want to continue. I don’t get the sense that’s the case from your post but if it is then absolutely no judgement here.

Thank you so much for your responses, it means so much to me.

@Bexxe Its so crazy isn't it how your feelings can just turn off and you can't feel the anymore. its so disturbing, especially when you have just made a huge commitment to someone.

@girlmom21 thank you, I do beat myself up somewhat! Its nice to hear that doubts are normal - just with me they get catastaphized and out of control.

@jolota omg this is so comforting to hear! "I had similar feelings to you, that this wasn't 'enough' and lamenting that I would never feel the passion that I'd read about/seen on TV. " - SAME. I can't listen to music or watch anything romantic because it triggers me so badly, not feeling what I thin I "should" and therefor doubting the validity of my feelings. Because I have had those all consuming "the one / soulmate" feelings, but they were emotionally damaged and abusive so I was very much wrong. I can't just 'trust my gut'. And like you my memory, not something I can reply, particularly because it doesn't let me recall the feelings of love I have/ had for him. He seems like a total stranger to me and even looks different. Did you find that in your first trimester the feelings raged again, did you just take comfort in the fact it would pass? I got pregnant with him before, again on purpose, but the same thing happened but I didn't understand it like I do now, and I terminated because I was just so terrified. After that, I knew I wanted to be with him, and things were they best they had been! hence trying again 6 months later. I just don't want to give into it this time.

Its so hard at my ripe old age too because its not like I can take years out of the dating game to heal this problem, because by then it will be too late to have a family. BEING A WOMAN IS SO BLOODY HARD!

XX

@AliasGrape sincerely thank you for your honest and non polished response - very soothing for me to hear. I literally could have written " was very much focused on having children at that point (was planning on going it alone) and was very happy to find that DH wanted the same things as me. We have never had that butterflies and fireworks kind of relationship, though I have only really ever felt like that with one guy and he turned out to be a lovebombing narcissist"

Its so so reassuring to hear that despite your relationship not being the romance novel (we are lead to believe is the only form of "true love") that you are still happy. You have a partner in life, in the trenches with you, not all "knowing and infatuation" but steady and that's valid and ok. Do you find it hard to reconcile the intense feelings you had for the narcissist with the more settled feelings you have for you partner?

For me im not irritated by him, he just makes me super fearful and anxious being around him... like im going to find proof in him that ive made a mistake. Maybe I'm just terrified and projecting all of that onto him.

I got pregnant with him before, again on purpose, but the same thing happened but I didn't understand it like I do now, and I terminated because I was just so terrified. After that, I knew I wanted to be with him, and things were they best they had been! Hence trying again 6 months later. I just don't want to give into it this time because i'll end up childless and alone chasing around elusive dismissive avoidant men!

I will certainly talk to the midwife and I have started seeing a therapist, but its a long old process so trying to keep a grip on myself in the meantime.

Mumsnet really helps.

Thanks again, xx

Poor guy !.

@Pyewackect I am aware how awful this is for him, I feel horrific. Im doing everything I can, including getting advise on here, to sort this out for us. So having a casual dig at me isn't helpful.

Do you find it hard to reconcile the intense feelings you had for the narcissist with the more settled feelings you have for you partner?

I don't really - not now anyway, maybe in the early days of meeting DH. I've seen (from a distance) what's become of narc guy and how he's repeated the pattern and the children who have ended up caught up in it and it's all a bit tragic really, my overriding feeling is just relief at being out of it.

I meant what I said about the early days being tough for DH and I. DD is still only 15 months and whilst things are better, sleep is an ongoing issue and shes hugely clingy to me in a way which makes parenting feel more intense on my side in a way (coupled with me staying at home and then changing jobs to freelance and part time so I feel like, even though it's what I wanted, it's my life that has changed the most)- so I did and do still get a bit resentful, short tempered and grumpy. It's not really fair because he absolutely does his share and has been totally supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make wrt work etc. On the other hand, I love seeing him with our daughter and it makes me love him more. The little family unit feels so incredibly precious and I'm so very very besotted with DD that I couldn't stand to think what might have happened had I not found DH and therefore not had her! I don't even feel sad that it took us so long to get pregnant, stressful as it was at the time, because any other time would have meant we got another baby not DD and there couldn't possibly be a more perfect one than her

@1234worried
I definitely relate to a lot of your feelings, it's very isolating to find that the person you thought you loved now feels like a stranger and to not know if things will ever feel the same again. When you're in this mindset it's almost impossible to think of the good times before or how things could improve, I certainly couldn't rationalise anything I was thinking until I was past it. It was terrifying to feel that my life was out of my control. Ironically I've never been a romantic person or really believed in soulmates so I felt quite bemused looking back & seeing how intensely I was longing for something I'd never wanted before. Our relationship takes work and lots of honesty but the stability and safety I feel has really made me be able to be myself.
It could be that your feelings that you are running out of time are contributing to your anxiety and exacerbating the feeling that you are making a mistake & won't have time to start over with someone new.
I am a little younger than you but also felt this fear that I had wasted 4 years of my life and was going to have to start from scratch and risk jeopardising being able to have a family in the future.
I would definitely try and get access to some therapy if you can, pregnancy is such an intense and stressful time and you don't want to add these anxieties on top of it. I imagine you will feel better if you can work through your thoughts and feel more secure in your decisions.
I think that you're not in such a time crunch as you feel, but it's easier to say that from the outside, I know the pressure you put yourself under will always be more in that respect.
Yes, in my first trimester I was able to recognise that I was starting to spiral again and ask my partner for support, because I had been through it before I was able to hold onto the fact it would pass and I felt sure it was connected to my symptoms & hormones which should ease in second trimester. Agree with pp that I was irrationally irritated by a lot of stuff in my first trimester that definitely made my husband seem much more annoying and less attractive than usual.
It does seem positive that your opinion of your relationship improved once you weren't affected by pregnancy hormones but as it has happened again I would reiterate that you probably need some extra support from midwife & therapist to help you manage your anxiety and work out what you really want and if there is a way to deal with your resurfacing doubts about your relationship.
Do you feel able to talk to your partner about some of your feelings at all? I know it can be difficult when the crux of it boils down to 'I am unsure about you & our relationship' but perhaps lead from the fact that you are feeling very stressed/anxious and it's making you have doubts about the pregnancy/future. It might help if he can understand that emotionally this is a very difficult time for you and can try and support you through it.
P.S. Ignore the troll. I avoided seeking out advice and help even from professionals, never mind friends & family because I felt so ashamed about my thoughts & how people would judge me & our relationship. You're doing the right thing and being brave by admitting the struggle you're going through and searching for solutions.

@AliasGrape I have been wanting a bay for so long, I am incredibly close with my niece so I have had some part time experiences of how demanding it can be... I naively know-ish what im getting myself into and prepared for the difficulty. But like it sounds for you, you have absolute purpose now and you adore that little girl more than life itself. Sounds like she is the true love of your life - and your love you husband all the more for helping give her to you. I hope I get that! Good for you! xx

@jolota you are so lovely, thank you.

So isolating! Because before you understand its a condition you desperately seek out reassurance - but saying the thoughts in your head to people who don't understand ROCD can be extremely triggering when they confirm your doubts about the relationship because of your current lack of feelings and anxiety surrounding the situation.

God its so hard, especially when you aren't aware of what the hell is going on! Luckily - my partner is so bloody patient and understanding.The first pregnancy was awful for him because I word vomitted all my intrude thoughts at him as if they were fact - which os obviously crushing to hear from someone you love. In the end when I became aware It was a condition I had to bite the bullet and send him some information about ROCD and hes been trying to understand and research. He was hurt that it has never happened in a previous relationships - but when he learnt that it attacks healthy relationships he feels better. He is just being calm and giving me space and trying not to take me seriously. Because I say to him I need him to be sure of us and not doubt my feelings.

I called my gp and they were a but useless - they can't give me any meds because of the pregnancy and they gave me a number for an emergency councillor line. So I have gone private - I have had two sessions so far but its long process.

Knowing that others have shared experiences helps so much, so thank you so much. xx

@1234worried
It sounds like you're doing everything you can to improve the situation, being honest with your partner and attending therapy are great steps.
Not surprised to hear your GP was useless honestly, that was my experience the last time I tried to get help.
I agree that sometimes talking to people who don't understand the mental issues you're going through can be unhelpful. I spoke to a single friend about my concerns & she just validated all of my fears but in reality I think she felt that was being supportive, just agreeing with me, without the context that I was in a very bad place mentally and needed someone who could identify that and help me be more critical of the thoughts I was having.
It's great to hear that you are able to talk to your partner about what you're going through and that he's being understanding and trying to support what you need.
I hope things improve for you (:

Did you end up keeping the baby? I'm 8 weeks and having the exact same feelings