Am I asking DP for too much?

[evieleigh]

I'm nearly 34 weeks pregnant with a 2.3 year old. I work part time and look after DS on my days off and do all the housework/cooking etc which is fine. DP has his few jobs eg putting the bins out & sorting the garden, he also pays all the bills and I just pay the nursery bill and odd food shop.

So usually our routine works for us but recently I just don't feel like he's doing enough with me being heavily pregnant. DS wakes up at 5am and we are both awake with him but he will stay in bed and snooze while I make cups of tea & breakfast for DS, let dog out etc. I also think he should start doing more around the house to help me now especially as I've been aching a lot the past week. When I bring it up it's the old 'pregnancy isn't an illness' thing, and makes out I'm whinging all the time. He also never walks/feeds the dog or offers to take DS out if I'm having a hard day.

Am I really asking for too much?
The thing that is scaring me is that in a few weeks we will have a tantrumy toddler AND a newborn which obviously comes with sleep deprivation and stress etc. I feel like this is going to tear us apart as it nearly did when DS was born.

Should I just accept that a women does all the chores and sorts the kids while the man works full time to provide and pay all the bills?

Don't get me wrong, he would never expect dinner on the table or say anything if the house was a mess etc but it makes me feel better when stuff is done and I'm struggling to manage it all now.

No you’re not expecting too much at all! I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to help you. I’d sit down and have a chat with him and see what’s really going on (is it that he literally cba or is tired etc etc) and come to an agreement. My DH is literally running the household at the mo (I’m only 26wks) and I’m ever so grateful. No, pregnancy is not an illness but it’s bloody hard work!

No you're not, you're asking him to pull his weight as part of the relationship.

Pregnancy isn't an illness, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't have a physical impact on your wellbeing and your ability to function.

Nope, your expectations of your husband are too low. I'm 35 weeks and, for example, husband got up with my son today to let me sleep longer because I'd been up with classic pregnancy insomnia in the night. He the took my son out in the sling to walk the dog so I could have a shower (and do a bit of tidying in peace). Just being a good father and husband.

I hate the pregnancy isn't a illness expression. It's not an illness but for many women it is quite debilitating. Constant nausea and vomiting, weird and random pains and aches, an inability to sleep as well as a changing body that limits and restricted you from your usual activities. He needs to step up and support you during this stage so that you can enjoy it and feel ready to welcome your new baby xx

I don't think you're asking too much at all.

I am in a similar position but earlier in pregnancy. 28 weeks with a 22 month old and dog!

I spoke to him about 3 weeks ago to say I was starting to feel a bit tired with it and back ache from picking up toddler (I do have an added health condition) I am an older mum so think that's taking its toll too!

Since that conversation he has:
-taken the dog out 99% of the time and always with toddler at weekends
-done 70-80% bedtime with DS
-we split weekend lie ins but on the days he gets his, he will then take dog and toddler out for the morning so I can have a bath or go back to bed for a bit
-stepped up massively in household chores
-taken time out of work and driven me to appts so I don't have to get the bus (he has car for work)

I don't write the above in a bragging way at all - I don't think my DH is going over and above what I expect. He's just stepping up as realises I'm suffering a bit.

Really hope he realises the error of his ways!!

Pregnancy isn't an illness but it's bloody tough. I'm 38 weeks and my pelvis is so bad that I can barely walk. My dp has to do mostly everything now and does so without a single complaint . I've never understood these men who would want to see the woman carrying their child struggling.

No. Presumably your working and working after toddler is full time. And he works full time. So your both busy say 8.30am-5pm every day. Before and after those hours, and weekends everything should then be split equally normally, but at the moment the more physical aspects definitely on him.

Toddlers wake at 5am. But if your whole days don’t start until 8/9am then those 3-4ths your dh needs to start doing his share. I would expect him to take toddler every morning at this stage tbh so you get 5-7am rest in bed before having to chase toddler around all day whilst he’s resting sitting in the office

This is the type of stuff that makes couples split up. He needs to pull his weight. Yes pregnancy isn't an illness but it can make u feel unwell at times especially as u get closer to the end.

He needs to take a turn getting up with ur toddler. Honestly nip it in the bud right now or it will only get worse. My sil has a husband who does nothing in the house and doesn't deal with the kids. I'm always so shocked that he doesn't even let her get a turn at a lie in at the wkend or bath the kids at night, get them ready for bed. He gets home from work and plops himself infront of the telly for the evening. I always say to her, I'd never let him away with that or put it this way we wld be getting a divorce!

Take as much help as u can get once baby is here and make life as easy for u as u can. From what uv described I guess he probably has no intention of doing a night feed or bum change in the middle of the night.

@Caspianberg to be fair he doesn't sit in an office, he has a manual labour job so he is tired too and I'm really not asking for him to take over everything but just to help out a little bit.

@evieleigh - ok fair enough. But I very much doubt he’s on his feet all from 5am until toddler goes to bed whilst it sounds like you are.

Just tell him you need him to take over some responsibility. Like you say, in a few weeks time you can’t be doing both children all the time alone

Update - just cried to him and told him I need more help, even if it's just the little things like walking dog, emptying bins, bringing things upstairs etc, I'm not expecting him to scrub floors or anything. He just apologised and said he will try harder so that's all I can ask for. I said I don't want an apology i just want you to show me you will help more. Let's see..

He just apologised and said he will try harder so that's all I can ask for.
Him trying isn’t all you can ask for. Him actually doing is.

You’re not asking the moon, or for anything complicated. And if the floor does need scrubbing (as well it might with a toddler and a dog around), yes, you can expect the non-pregnant person in the relationship to do it. Or make a plan to pay for a cleaner.

I HATE the “pregnancy is not an illness” rhetoric. It’s another tool to browbeat women. It’s a medical condition that can cause haemorrhoids, nausea and vomiting, diarrhoea and constipation, heartburn, aches and pains, pelvic girdle pain, exacerbate eczema, cause acne, extreme fatigue, etc etc. (For the lucky ones, all at once!) Not to mention some physical activities are just impossible when you’re enormous. Some women are superheroes in pregnancy and some are ill, and it’s OK to expect your partner to take a heavier load during this time – relationship workload isn’t set in stone, it should flux according to circumstance.

Saying he will "try" harder is a cop out i would be wary of. Why didn't he go a step further and just say, i will do more, not try to do more.

So he can wriggle out of accountability and just say "I'm trying".