Second baby guilt & worries

[Togetherismyfavouriteplace]

Evening all!

I am sorry in advance for what will probably be a lengthy post. I just feel like I have so many worries going around in my head that I need to just get them all out. I hope this might make me feel better And that others are feeling / have felt the same….

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. This baby was planned and we were so fortunate enough to catch during the first month of trying. Due to such a rapid catch, our daughter will be quite a bit younger than what we had envisioned (I guess we just assumed it would take months and months of trying like the first time). She is currently 13 months old. Because of this, I instantly felt so guilty and worry that she won’t be ready to share us.
She’s such a loving caring little girl but can be very clingy. I worry so much about how this might impact her.
As well as this I worry that we won’t cope.
I feel like I was made to be a mommy, my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I quit my job to take care of her and absolutely love it. I’m just scared that the pressure of a second baby might change all of that.

Of course we are over the moon and feeling so lucky and grateful, this pregnancy just feels totally different to the first and I think it’s because of this guilt and worry hanging over my head.

With my daughter, I remember talking to her and rubbing my belly from as early as 5-6 weeks but It almost hasn’t even registered this time around that there’s a baby growing in there. I hate that I feel this disconnect to the baby and again, that just makes me feel more guilty!

As with my daughter , sickness and nausea has kicked in BAD this week. The days are feeling really long and hard - I feel so ill but am trying my hardest to entertain and run around after my daughter. Just another thing adding to my guilt!!

Please someone tell me they felt the same and that there isn’t anything to worry about …

Xx

OP,

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and my little girl is almost 18 months old! We were in the exact same situation as you in the beginning, started trying and luckily it happened straight away but DD was younger than we thought. Before I started showing I was so anxious about all of this!

Now my big girls sits and kisses my tummy and rubs it trying to get baby to kick her in the head 😂 my partner and I decided that as soon as I was showing we would each hold a dolly while playing with her a couple of times as week, we even pretend cried like a baby and fed the baby. Soon DD picked up on these thing and started doing them too. We saw such a change in her and so much compassion in her, she now says 'baby' and gets my tummy out. We have encouraged books, taking time for mummy and baby so I can feel more connected as I have been so busy with DD compared to last pregnancy.

It's totally natural (I've been told) to feel this was but making the transition easier for your first born will make the transition easier after baby arrives! They understand more than we think and learn so quickly that soon you'll forget there was just 1 of them and you will watch them play, fight and argue and they'll be the best of friends because of being so close in age!

Sorry for the long post, I totally understand what you're going through and it is especially hard in the beginning of pregnancy but I promise it does get easier 💕

@girlmum02
Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot and actually made me very teary! (Oh the hormones!! Lol). Just to hear how your first gets your tummy out- I love that. I can imagine mine doing this too.
Glad to hear that it’s normal to feel like this. You just can’t imagine every loving anything more even though you know you will xx

@Togetherismyfavouriteplace I posted something similar yesterday. I am in a very similar position, our DD is 15 months and I think i am just over 5 weeks pregnant. We weren’t actively trying but delighted all the same because we always wanted two. Everything you wrote is exactly the way I am feeling. I was playing with my daughter earlier today snd she’s so happy having my full attention, I feel like I am betraying her by having another baby!

@girlmum02 that’s so lovely and really reassuring x

@Togetherismyfavouriteplace oh bless you! Definitely get it, I probably tear up twice a day at least lol! They'll have an incredible bond, I have 3 sisters and we were all quite close in age. We used to argue a lot when little and into our teen years but they're the first people I go to and I know I can rely on them! You'll love each of them equally but for different reasons and those little things that each of them do that make you smile will make the best memories xx

@Stargazer89 thank you for commenting. I already feel better just for knowing that others feel the same. You begin to question if it’s just you and you’re a terrible person. But lovely to speak to others who feel the same. You’ll be due June 2022 like us then?

My sister and I have that age gap and we're very good friends as adults. I would say to be very careful to prioritise time with your eldest though- apparently my DM and I totally lost our connection when my sister was born and I felt pushed out so defected to my dad and stayed there pretty much all of my childhood.

I think it is doable and most people get the sense of, 'Oh shit, what have I done?!' but pretty much any age gap can work.

19 months between mine. They are best friends. Early days eldest found it a bit confusing but soon got used to it! I think it's a fantastic age gap xx

@Togetherismyfavouriteplace Yep we are due June too. It feels crazy because I still feel like a new mum. However, my DD now suddenly feels like she isn’t a baby anymore 💔 (although she will always be my baby)

@ThirdElephant the point you made about making sure to spend time with eldest is soo valid, the thought of loosing my bond with my DD is heartbreaking xx

Aww I feel the same! My daughter is only 11 months and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. But obviously it was meant to be and they will always have each other. Good luck x

I feel exactly the same...I’m 34 weeks with a 21 month old! It’s definitely made me struggle to bond with my bump this time around...it feels almost like a betrayal and baby 2 doesn’t feel as ‘real’ as the daughter sat in front of me! I’m sure things will be ok but I know the first few months will be really tough. My daughter gets jealous when I cuddle my husband so I really don’t see it going down well!

DS is 11 months just got my bfp today dating at 4 weeks 3 days! Having very similar worries about how this will impact the amazing bond between DS and I. But I think as mum's, our hearts will stretch to provide all the love, comfort and security our DC need . Also similar situation to others, started ttc with expectation it would take months but got pregnant very quickly!! Anyone co sleeping? We are but want to spend some time encouraging DS to stay in his cot all night!

@Galaxy2022 We’re still cosleeping from around 3am..our daughter sleeps in her room till then. I was hoping before baby arrived she would be sleeping through but now don’t have the energy to keep putting her back (or the heart to kick her out and make her feel even more pushed out!) ....so think my husband will relocate to spare room when baby 2 arrives! I plan on having baby 2 in a side car cot and toddler can pop in if she wants in the early morning. I’ve heard mixed reviews..some say it helps with the jealously, some say they don’t wake each other or do wake each other etc so will just have to see how it goes....

@Roo0996 - don’t worry I feel exactly the same way towards bump and agree it doesn’t feel real! So nice to hear I’m not alone in feeling this way. I do know in my heart it will work out but it does make you look at your first born with such guilt! It’s also so hard as it’s not like you have lots of people to talk to in the early days with it being a secret!

@Galaxy2022
we bed share - it was has been perfect for us in terms of getting the most sleep and DD loves it. We have spoken about moving her to her cot too but I know it won’t go down very well and worry she’ll feel pushed out when baby comes along. I’m going to do a bit of research on best way to approach, if they didn’t wake each other up I’d happily have them both in our room! Eldest in the bed and youngest in a next to me Crib. I personally love it.

I also read a lovely quote - ‘our hearts don’t suddenly make room for another child, it just gets even bigger ‘ I loved that ❤️

@CC12x totally agree it’s meant to be- it will all work out I just know it ❤️

@ThirdElephant thank you for the advise! Definitely something to be very careful of

I could have literally written this post,
DD 14 months, currently 6 weeks pg, PCOS so thought it would take ages but caught 2 weeks after starting! Now everytime I look at my girl I feel like crying that she is going to have to share us. Also feel the same disconnect as I think I'm not ready to accept it yet. Then the guilt comes as it's a much much wanted pregnancy! We have also just bought our first home so being completely knackered, working full time, pregnant, looking after a teething 1 year old, and moving house. I'm burning out!

@Togetherismyfavouriteplace
I feel the same about not wanting DS to feel pushed out and would happily bedshare with him with DC2 in next2me if they wouldn't be disturbed. I found after the first couple of weeks DS would resettle quite quickly through the night but he wasn't a very colicky baby. Also - love that quote

How are you getting on OP? Baby is due any day now? Did the feelings of guilt shift at all? I hope you are well!