Struggling with excitement - am I normal?!!

[Babylemon]

Hi,

I'm new here although been floating around reading the odd thread, mainly googling how I'm feeling and wanted to see if it was normal/anyone else felt/feel this way. I guess maybe looking for some reassurance I'm not a terrible mum to be. I sure as hell feel it.

I'm 13 weeks, but I'm really finding it hard to be excited. I'm more morning the life I'm leaving behind although I'm ready to move to the next chapter or so I thought! Just such a conflict in my head.

We had been trying a month. Expecting it to take a while as I'm 35 and partner has a condition where it was possible he might not be able to have children so I should be excited and over the moon. Problem is I'm not, I feel sad scared and really anxious about it. Speaking with midwife says it's normal but all my friends have been screaming with joy when they've found out. I feel I should be feeling that way but I'm not. Partner is just so excited, and very understanding as I've been honest how I'm feeling.

I see pictures of baby's and they scare me. I'm dreading telling work. I have always been independent and looked after myself, and now it's going to be a case of depending on someone with someone depending on me.

I thought my scan would help, but half of me was hoping it wouldn't be there. I know that sounds awful especially to those who have lost or unable to have children.

I feel bloated and just so fat, the worse I ever felt in my confidence.

I'm hoping maybe someone has experience of this and can give some advice or reassurance it gets better.

Thanks for reading, please don't judge as I know it sounds awful but I just needed to seek some help.

It’s totally normal in my experience OP.

hope you feel better soon.

I think that being pregnant, especially with your first, can be quite a scary thing to contemplate. Your hormones are probably starting to kick up too. I'd say your reaction is quite normal and understandable.

Thank you

I hope so too haha. I do keep looking at the scan photos. Half of me is wondering if it's because in my mind I thought take agggges, and boom.

Totally normal. Been there twice. Loved the babies once they arrived but was far from excited in the pregnancy!

I'm 10 weeks and I move between lots of different feelings including positive and negative.

I figure it's a big change with lots of consequences so it's normal to be worried or scared or doubting about things.

Thank you so much for your replies, I'm so pleased to hear although it's horrible to go through we're not alone!

I'll probably turn into a mumzilla when it's born!

I think it just is overwhelming and I'm a person who doesn't like change. I'm just finding it hard to match the excited friends reactions right now.

I remember back in first lockdown crying as I thought I would never have a child. oh how things change!

It's really common, don't worry. A word of caution though - don't panic if you still don't feel excited/happy when your baby first arrives either. That illusion of instant bond/love isn't the case for everyone, it can take time to grow. You also have a lot of hormones surging post birth which can make some people feel quite terrible. I wasn't feeling overly excited before our daughter arrived and found the first 2-3 weeks post birth very hard. I felt quite low, very anxious and similarly was mourning the loss of our previous existence. However, a few weeks on I can feel my bond with her growing stronger and I am now getting joy from spending time with her. I am also able to see much more easily how she will enrich our lives, and they will be better for having her in it. You will be a great mum and will love your child, just be aware it isn't always picture perfect to start with and be gentle on yourself if it takes some time to feel comfortable.

I second the suggestion not to expect an instant bond. You'll be exhausted after giving birth. You should also be watchful for signs of postpartum depression. I had that with my first and it took months to recognize what was happening and get treatment for it.

I felt dread pretty much throughout my first pregnancy. I first felt my first moment of excitement about two weeks before he was born and I was so relieved to feel a flicker of it at last! I mostly felt i was living a weird waking nightmare and it was so awful, I was terrified I would feel the same when my baby was born and wouldn't love him. It was actually reading threads here on Mumsnet that provided the only comfort - learning many others had felt the same and gone on to love their babies just fine. I wish more was written about this - you never hear about negative emotional experiences of pregnancy, it's just taken as a given that expectant mothers are excited about it. I didn't have PND, I just huge fear about what was to come and huge anxiety that I'd done the wrong thing. Creating a human being is such a huge surreal thing, it's impossible to make sense of really (I found). I also found the fact I had an actual person growing inside my body super weird and freaky.

I now have a hilarious loving and much loved 4 year old and am pregnant with my second :))) Still have the same moments of "what have I done" "I don't want this and there's nothing I can do now" "oh god what is this thing inside me" BUT they are much rarer and in general I am exicted which is so great! And now I know that those feelings of dread are normal and don't mean I won't love the new baby so those feelings are no longer scary, which makes a huge difference. I just allow them to wash over me without feeling terrified.

Good luck OP it will all be great and you will be a great mum who loves their child! Oh also worth nothing many mums don't feel that rush of love as soon as they see their baby after birth - it can take a few days or weeks or months as you get to know them - everything is normal x

I'm feeling very similar however this is my second pregnancy. My DD is 4 and we're very much a team.

Me and my partner talked about having another as my daughter was 4 because I felt like I was ready for another. After more thinking we decided not to try as we were content with our lives and DD going full time school now.

Roll on one month later I very surprisingly find out I'm pregnant. I felt so shocked but had a bad feeling from the start. Roll on a week and I get horrific pains in my side and am referred for a scan to check for ectopic. Nothing seen on scan and back and forth for a week pretty much being told to expect a MC and being so devestated. A final scan showed baby, I'd had a hematoma which had burst and all was well.

But now I feel so detached, because I made myself detached in the week I was devestated I'm struggling to feel excitement and I'm worried about how my DDs life will change with a baby.

I think it's completely normal to feel mixed emotions and these crazy hormones don't help. Your not alone 💖

I feel the same. I have two losses behind me, and had decided that third time's the charm and if this doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be. It's exhausting going through early pregnancy multiple times, and then recovering from not being pregnant anymore, so I wanted my body and life back. So far my third pregnancy seems to be going well, which I am relieved about, but also small part of me is terrified, and I sometimes wonder whether I've really thought this through. Did I think this was just something I'm supposed to do rather than actively want? And maybe a part of me had resolved to me being a recurrent miscarriage club member, and I haven't yet adjusted to considering myself as someone who can have a successful pregnancy.

Thank you so much for your support and reassurance and helpful advice. It means a lot and as mentioned it doesn't get spoken about enough. I do believe there should be some advice of negative feelings and more discussions about it as I feared even to speak out. I feel guilty for how I'm thinking and then it just spirals with me ending up in floods of tears.

My friend has recently also had a LO and she advised there wasn't a rush of love as soon as she held him, it grew as they bonded over a few weeks. I'm worried I'll get frustrated which I'm sure I will and there is so much pressure on new mums to be coping.

I think also I had put myself in the box of never having children and now I'm having to take myself out of it. I wonder if it's something you've always been excited for if feel different or not. It was a case of not meeting the right person I felt could have that lifetime commitment with. I know never know what the future holds but my current DP everything just feels so much more and so different. He has honestly been so supportive and understanding on how I'm feeling and reassuring me.

Thank you so much for the replies they have been so helpful, it's funny I have spoke to a close friend ref how I'm feeling and it was very much didn't know what to say. I keep looking at the scan photos and it does feel weird to think I have this little human growing in there and is going everywhere I am. Seeing it move on the ultrasound was strange, they asked what I thought, and my reply was "isn't technology amazing these days" I dont think that was the answer hoping for. Haha. I did find incredible and a sense of protection as an innocent little life in there growing.

Finallyfoundmyself - I'm so pleased to hear all is well in the end, I think mentally you prepare for the worst and when there has been a bump in the road you almost just expect there to be another so it's the minds way of dealing with hurt. It goes through my mind what if something goes wrong how would I feel, and I think I would struggler. It's so hard to deal with such a mix of emotions.

Also congratulations to you all. GinnyBee, I'm sorry to hear about your previous loss, I'm sure this time around things will be different I also feel that is this what I want or what I feel I should do sometimes. But then I think about how would I feel if I didn't have the opportunity or didn't happen and I think I would really regret that choice. Life has a funny way of working itself out.

I could have written this post nearly a year ago when my pregnancy test came back positive after "trying" once. I was not excited in the slightest, my only thought was "Oh shit!" and I didn't really even believe it until I had my first scan.

I was massively anxious about giving birth and had some CBT for that which really helped.

I had no real positive feelings until I started feeling movements at around 24 weeks, before that I was a bit indifferent about the whole thing.

Now I have my 10 week old DD napping on me, the lifestyle change has been ok to be honest, there are things I miss but I didn't think I'd enjoy just being with her so much. Whenever I've babysat for family I've found it all rather tedious and was dreading the baby stage. Whilst it is repetitive and I am knackered it is enjoyable too and the old cliché of "It's different when they're your own" definitely rings true for me.

That's pretty much how I am, just feel indifferent and partner is almost telling everyone where as I'm still struggling to say it out loud as it's then real

My friends babies seem cute and actually some better behaved than expecting. I've pretty much put my life now down to constant exhaustion waking up every hour every night and changing nappies every hour. Yet to have those rewarding first smiles and watching it grow.

I want to be excited, all I can think of is how my life is going to change I'm worried about if it ruins a relationship which I know can happen and all I'm doing is focusing on the what ifs and negatives. Certainly not going into this wirh picture perfect scenes!

I hope once I feel some movement and start doing nursery maybe I'll start to get excited! I want to be believe me

I'm pregnant with number 2. My friend is pregnant with number 3 (exact same due date) and she is so excited. I don't feel anything at all really apart from guilt for DD! Hopefully as things get closer than I'll feel differently.

It sounds like you're catastrophising, I definitely did that with anxiety around giving birth. My therapist asked me what was my absolute worst fear around it and I replied "That I will die" she almost laughed at how ridiculous it was, (which I knew as well so I didn't mind) but that was my fear, plus every other small thing in between and it was awful. I couldn't recommend CBT highly enough for managing anxiety, it really helped me manage my worries and I'm still using the techniques now with all the inevitable worries that looking after a baby comes with.

Also, you may be up every hour but you might not. And nappy changes aren't really that bad and you can make them playful too, I sing the hokey-cokey when I'm putting my DD into her sleep suit for instance "You've got your right leg in, your left leg in, your right arm in, your left arm in, I've done the poppers up now lets shake you all about" (gently wobble her), sounds mad but it keeps me amused!

Normal; in my experience anyway!

I conceived first month and while I feel truly lucky for that, I can’t say I was expecting it, I really thought it would take a few months at least, giving me time to get a bit desperate. So when it happened I was shocked and felt like my bluff had been called if that makes sense

The first trimester was mentally the hardest - I felt at times I had made a terrible mistake. I saw so many other women posting scan photos and saying how much they loved their ‘little bean’ already, but I just felt sick & anxious.

It changed for me at 4 or 5 months, physically I felt a lot better & the scans were out of the way. Plus you start buying the pram and baby things which is lovely!

Don’t put pressure on yourself, focus on you, all they need from you at this stage is to make sure you’re rested and nourished. Other than that, don’t feel like you have to be obsessing over the pregnancy morning noon & night - do things that take your mind off it if you prefer

@Babylemon you sound a lot like me! I was also in the 'never want children' club until I met my husband, and it took a few years even then. I'm the same age too! He's always wanted kids and he'll be an amazing dad, and in some ways I think we're doing this more for him than for me. I always thought I'd be happy either way, whether I had kids or not, it has never been a dealbreaker or a major goal in life for me. And I guess part of it is that the decision has now been made which is scary, I can't take it back now and decide that nah, I actually want to be childless. And I'd probably have the same feelings if it was the other way around and we couldn't have kids.

I conceived a planned baby at 39 in the first month of trying, after planning not to have children for my entire life, and was so busy throughout my pregnancy (trying to push through a big project I didn't want to interrupt for maternity leave) that I can honestly say I didn't give my pregnancy much thought at all either way until I was pretty much due. I hated maternity leave, and the 'rush of love' was fictional as far as I was concerned -- but things became much better once I'd returned to work. DS is 9 and the apple of my eye.

Thank you so much for all your replies and no judgement!

@RosieLemonade Congratulations! That must be nice having friend due same time though. One of my friends is 4 weeks ahead on her second and it was reassuring to know that I'm not alone and she's been so good with saying support me all the way along! I'm sure DD will love her brother or sister. I'm an only child and sometimes really I wish I had a sibling.

@EdithGrantham I probably haven't helped my worry as been watching one born every minute! It also crosses my mind too I might die, I found myself googling "childbirth death rates uk" and worried myself!  sometimes I'm so laid back but then I can work myself up into a frenzy. I woke up about a month ago almost in a panic attack with breathing, only lasted about 5 minutes and hasn't happened since. I'm hoping it will pass and it's just shock.

@Glassofshloer wow it's amazing how quick it happens, just wasn't expecting it either! I almost thought it'll be a bit of time and that gives me time to think over things prepare physically and mentally. Nope. No time for that!!

I'm the same I just can't bring myself yet to post anything (need to tell work on Monday anyway!) I also feel there will be shock and too much to deal with at the moment.

I am starting to look at things online which before I couldn't bring myself to do and think that'll be nice in the nursery. So there's some progress and got excited over a pumpkin outfit saw in a shop! So I'm not a lost cause yet haha 

@GinnyBee We do sound very alike! It's funny how things or a person do change you. I remember our second date and he said "do you want children" and was a bit like errr that's forward! But I guess sometimes when older nice to at least know where each other are so not wasting time. We were both in the "not a priority" category! Totally different now and he's all about the baby. It's actually very sweet to see. I agree if I couldn't have them I would just look at family's and feel empty.

@Clandestin I'm scared about telling work, it's very much all week and weekends sometimes, late nights. It's one of those jobs that they expect it work life first and I feel guilty having time off. I'm worried about going back to it after time off and also childcare costs. I guess it's one of those I'll see where I am when after mat leave. I think maybe it might change priorities after LO born

Hello, I’m feeling exactly the same at week 8. Every time my partner talks about it I feel abit sick. I was so excited for the first 2 weeks and now I’m filled with dread. Did it get better for you?

Hey, I just seen this as has email come through and I wanted to reply.

I did feel scared anxious and nervous throughout the pregnancy, I didn't really get that excitement but all I can say is once the little one is here, not immediately but it does go away and all you have is that overwhelming love for them which just grows.

My advice would be take each day as it comes, don't punish yourself for how you're feeling. Make sure you've got plenty of support and be honest with it.

I even feel guilty now about how I felt before, but you got to remember it's a massive change and you're bound to feel a whole range of emotion.

Sending love