Pregnant with ex's baby... help!

Bear45 · 2021-10-11T18:50:39+00:00

Me and my ex split up a few months ago, we've stayed in contact due to the reason we split up ( traumatic death on the family we both didn't handle it well) we've carried on supporting each other and talking loads. We have got 'together' a few times and I am on the pill but have done 2 tests and I'm pregnant! I've no idea what to do, I'm 33 and single parent to 2 older children. I thought I'd not have anymore and now this has happened. I've no idea what my ex is going to think either, do I tell him? I could really do with some advice as I'm panicking and don't know who to talk to or what to do

TurnUpTurnip · 11/10/2021 19:52

Yes you need to tell him

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 19:54

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes you need to tell him

I know, I'm just scared. We've been getting on recently and he's been doing really well coping with everything and I just don't want to send him backwards

OP posts:

Couldhavebeenme3 · 11/10/2021 19:58

Wait. What do you want to do op? Do you want to keep the baby?

Give yourself a few days at least to get your head around things. If you're going to go ahead, then yes, tell him. If not, then you can tell him (if you think he'll support your decision about your body) or not.

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 20:01

@Couldhavebeenme3

Wait. What do you want to do op? Do you want to keep the baby?

Give yourself a few days at least to get your head around things. If you're going to go ahead, then yes, tell him. If not, then you can tell him (if you think he'll support your decision about your body) or not.

I don't know, I already have 2 children whose father has had nothing to do with them since the youngest was 18months she's now 11! I don't know if I can do it alone again, but I don't think I could have an abortion either. At the moment I just don't know, I don't understand how this has happened when I'm on the pill.

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SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 11/10/2021 20:01

Stop. Breathe. You do NOT have to tell him in the next five minutes. You’re allowed to stop and take time to think about what you want first. I don’t think anyone benefits from two panicked people having a discussion. So, what do YOU want? Even if you had to raise the baby completely alone, would you want it? Are you in a good place right now for a baby? (You mention a very difficult family loss that broke you up). Are you in a good place financially? It doesn’t have to be great or rich, but if you’re near homelessness, this might be a huge stress for you. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a baby; just think about how you’ll manage. Think about how you feel and what you want BEFORE you talk to him, give yourself some time to feel more calm. Then you can talk to him about it.

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 20:07

@SudokuWillNotSaveYou

Stop. Breathe. You do NOT have to tell him in the next five minutes. You’re allowed to stop and take time to think about what you want first. I don’t think anyone benefits from two panicked people having a discussion. So, what do YOU want? Even if you had to raise the baby completely alone, would you want it? Are you in a good place right now for a baby? (You mention a very difficult family loss that broke you up). Are you in a good place financially? It doesn’t have to be great or rich, but if you’re near homelessness, this might be a huge stress for you. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a baby; just think about how you’ll manage. Think about how you feel and what you want BEFORE you talk to him, give yourself some time to feel more calm. Then you can talk to him about it.

I'm in a more stable place now than I was when I had my girls, I have a secure house, good job and a car and a whole load more life experience so I think I could do it alone but always thought if I ever did it again it'd be with someone. I'm going to take sometime and think but me and my ex work together ( I know any other life lesson I've learnt of don't get with anyone at work) we were together 3 years whilst working and living together and always got in great till the death of his grandad. He killed himself and we really struggled. We've gotten better recently and it worries me that this might send him backwards and affect his healing process

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/10/2021 20:12

I would advise figure out your thought process before talking to him.

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 20:23

@Starlightstarbright1

I would advise figure out your thought process before talking to him.

Yeah I'm going to ring the doctors in the morning and make an appointment. I'm just worried about going to work and seeing him and having to hide what I know because he knows me very well and knows when something is up

OP posts:

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/10/2021 20:26

Dont tell him anything at the moment. Take your time. Speak to your gp.

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 20:42

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Dont tell him anything at the moment. Take your time. Speak to your gp.

Thank you, I will do ☺️

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2021 20:45

That must be a shock.

Round here the GP won’t see you for pregnancy, is that the best place to go?

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 20:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

That must be a shock.

Round here the GP won’t see you for pregnancy, is that the best place to go?

I think they need to refer me to the midwife team? My youngest is 11 and I've moved out of the area I had her in so I've no idea how it work round here

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ulstermourne · 11/10/2021 20:56

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FreeBritnee · 11/10/2021 20:59

Has he got any children OP? He might be absolutely delighted.

Ginger1982 · 11/10/2021 21:00

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Wallywobbles · 11/10/2021 21:06

@ulstermourne

Dear OP, you have been given the beautiful gift of another little life into your care. ❤

What a treasure!!! May you understand the privilege that it is to be his or her mother.x

WTF.

I'd really think this through a LOT.

You're kids are going to be a totally different life stages. It's a big ask to bring a baby into your other teen kids lives. There are more people that deserve a bit of thought before gaily going on.

How will this impact everyone in the future? 5 years, 10 years down the line?

FWBNC · 11/10/2021 21:06

@ulstermourne

Dear OP, you have been given the beautiful gift of another little life into your care. ❤

What a treasure!!! May you understand the privilege that it is to be his or her mother.x

Bring a bucket.

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 21:08

@ulstermourne

Dear OP, you have been given the beautiful gift of another little life into your care. ❤

What a treasure!!! May you understand the privilege that it is to be his or her mother.x

I know and I don't take for granted that this has happened accidentally as my sister can no longer have children due to cancer and she is younger than me. However I do have to think of weather the child would be wanted by their father and weather I can cope and be a good mother but I'm not going to make any quick decisions as I do understand that any pregnancy is a blessing

OP posts:

Original poster

Bear45 · 11/10/2021 21:09

@FreeBritnee

Has he got any children OP? He might be absolutely delighted.

He doesn't have any but he's not mentally in a good place in his life. I don't want to not have the baby, as every life is special but I don't want him to hate me for having it

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2021 21:16

People usually self refer to the midwifery team OP, the details were on my GP surgery’s website and I emailed them then waited for a call or letting with a booking appointment.

If you’re not sure about what you’d like to do, you might find one of the pregnancy choices organisations helpful first to discuss your options.

FWBNC · 11/10/2021 21:20

You asked how it happened. Well the pill isn't 100%, but it's near as damn if taken properly and no sickness. So have you been unwell? I presume you didn't miss any? Did you take them at roughly the same time each day? How long have you been on it?

But that aside, you are where you are now...& you just have to decide where YOU want to be & given you can't go back in time... you have 3 options. If you don't think you could have the baby & have it adopted, then you're quickly down to 2 options.

Toss a coin!

Seriously, it'll give you your instant gut reaction!

Obviously you don't do whatever the coin 'says' , but it'll help you decide how you feel.

You have to assume you'll be raising the baby on your own, although it's not what you wanted if you had another child, you know you can do it and in much better circumstances this time. On the other hand, you don't have to if you don't want to!

What I would strongly advise though, is to think very carefully about what you want, before you tell him, because his immediate reaction (either way) may not be how he feels in time.

I'm a bit confused as to why you broke up, but I wouldn't want the baby or the termination to be the reason to get back together or stay separated.

Personally, at 33, I'd keep the baby, pick my moment to tell him & enjoy doing it a second time around in better circumstances.

But you're the only one who can decide 💐

Shmithecat2 · 11/10/2021 21:24

Don't speak to him until you've decided what to do. If you choose to keep the baby, then obviously he will need to be told if you want him involved. If you choose to terminate, then he needs to know nothing unless you want him to. But you need to make the decision to keep or terminate yourself.

TReXX · 11/10/2021 21:24

You need to figure out how you feel about it before telling him. It's your decision and yours alone.

The question is 'is this just unexpected or is it unwanted?'

Only you know and there's no hurry to figure it out x