Anyone's relationship survived disagreeing over whether to keep a surprise pregnancy?

[headspin10]

We have 3 children. Our relationship is good. I feel absolutely stuck. Continue with the pregnancy and certainly risk the relationship or have an abortion and risk always regretting it, leading to resentment which might well affect the relationship anyway.

Tricky one.
Sorry, no advice. Just bumping for you.

Thank you @Kiduknot

Hugs dear!!
Just had my fourth felt like I could not handle it. Already our marriage was straining. Son is now four months we love him so much. The other kids adore him,we literally fight who will hold him next. May God lead you in making the right decision.

Your body your choice. If he's the kind of person who'd attempt to coerce your decision you are better off without him.

Thank you both @Sweetchocolate and @HellonHeels for your replies. I really appreciate them. ♥️

I think I'm finding it hard to think clearly about my feelings because he seems so sure it would be a terrible idea. I do absolutely get his point of view. He's probably right. But I can not be sure I wouldn't regret it afterwards, and that is terrifying me.

Your body, your choice. If he didn’t want to have another child, he should have kept it in his pants….

I'm so sorry OP, I've been in a similar situation and it was genuinely one of the most traumatic experiences of my life because it felt like the person who was supposed to always be my team suddenly wasn't. I really feel for you. In the end we also had some other complicating factors that meant I didn't have to actually make the final decision myself. But what I can say is that counselling was absolutely essential for me to get past the feeling of what was essentially abandonment- my husband feeling like he could pretty much wash his hands of the problem by saying he didn't want it, thereby making it completely my problem. As the woman the issue doesn't go away just by saying some words!!
We are OK now and I'm pretty sure we will continue to be so. But it was awful then. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks again for every reply.
@Sweetchocolate I'm so happy to hear you have had such a happy resolution!

@Dellit Thank you, you explain it so well. I feel so alone and I can't talk to anyone at all. We are such a good team normally. I'm so sorry you have been through a similar experience.

Are you able to access some counselling through BPAS or another pregnancy choices service or a private therapist? I'd really encourage you to ring around and find someone who is sympathetic and knowledgeable and able to help you digest some of this. As I mentioned it was a seriously traumatic time for me and without help I'm not sure my mental health or my marriage would have come out the other side. Please don't think you are overreacting or need to work through it yourself - this scenario really gets to some of the fundamentals of womanhood. You aren't the first or the last person to be having to grapple with this and in my experience it is much, much better to do it with some professional help

I think it also depends on your situation financially to some extent too. Do you have enough room? Do you need to pay for extortionate childcare? Etc etc as finances are a big source of arguments between couples, even more so if caused by an unplanned pregnancy.

It's your decision at the end of the day, but can only be made when uou are 100% confident in your decision.

Please make sure he will be doing something to make sure this never happens again though - vasectomy? It's not fair to put you through this again!

How are you going OP?

I think his time to say that he doesn't want more children is before you are Pg. Now it's for you to say and him to support either way. This cannot be an equal decision at this point since pregnancy is something that is happening to you and you are the one who has to reconcile yourself to whatever choice you make.
If a man tries to pressure you into an abortion then the relationship is irrevocably damaged anyway.

I presume he has now booked himself in for the snip?

Yes I was in that situation when I was younger and I decided to continue when DP (now DH) didn’t want to. Ended in miscarriage in the end but he came around to the idea once the decision was made.

Now have 2 DC together and been married for 10 years so we got through it but it was so hard at the time. The only advice I have is to go with your gut feeling.

Marie curie offers counselling if you are unsure they listen and allow you to everything you want without any judgement which might help if you are unsure, it's a horrible situation to be in. I would say that in my case we chose abortion and it has damaged our relationship, it is not irreparable and we have survived and I have no doubt that it will repair in time but it has been hard. While it was the right decision for us I still have alot of bad feelings about it whereas my partner doesn't seem to think about it at all. Speak to someone unbiased, ultimately the decision is yours as it is your body (that's not to say his opinion isn't valid or unimportant but you are the one who physically has to go through with whatever you decide) and you need to be sure you are making the right choice for you.

Thank you for all your replies. @Dellit I have been having counselling anyway to do with something else and had cancelled last weeks session because I felt so stuck. After reading your message I was able to reinstate the session and have seen her twice since which has been really helpful.

My partner has said he wants to book for a vasectomy of his own accord, so that's good I think. He also said we need to slow down and 'look at every option'. He basically was in shock initially and adamant we couldn't manage another (I too have reservations about this...we have no help from family.) but on reflection has said he will support either decision which feels so much better.

In terms of space, we don't really have space, but we are renting so could move in theory. I'm a SAHM so luckily don't have high childcare costs. That's such a good point about finances causing problems @HyphenCobra , we would need to look at this.

Tbh we are continuing with the pregnancy for the time being partly as I hate the unknown of possible regret after an abortion (I would want the baby). I think we both partly want it and are partly very concerned about the impact on our kids and family.

I'm not convinced it will 'stick' so I guess we will take a day at a time. I really appreciate every reply, it has made me feel much less alone at a really difficult time, thank you. ♥️

Well done OP, that was a really rubbish situation and you just waded in and dealt with it and you're going great. Best wishes for however you decide to progress- you've definitely got this now

Thank you for your really kind response @Dellit 🥰