Stuck in fear

[Butterfliess]

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure if I am posting this in the right section but hopefully I will get some support and answers.

A bit of background, I recently married and both myself and my partner desperately want to begin our journey starting a family, hopefully next year some time.
I however am very concerned, I suffered greatly with an eating disorder into my early 20s. I fought hard for my recovery for many reasons, one of which was to be able to have children. I’m now 29, and although it’s been a difficult journey am super proud to be at this point. I do suffer with anxiety at times, mainly overthinking and worrying which I get support and help for anxiety through private therapy. I will always reach out when I need to as I have learnt this over the years.
My fear is that as soon as I become pregnant, my midwife will jump on my mental health and this will or could result in a social services referral. This frightens me a lot, im very aware of my past, I loved it. However I know this will not stop me being an amazing mom, it’s something I have always wanted. I don’t want to be judged because I struggled, the thought of it scares me so much that it’s holding us back from living and moving forward.
Will my mental health past and the fact I struggle with anxiety be a reason for the midwife to question my ability? I read so many horror stories and it’s awful.
My therapist agrees that I’m capable of being a great mum, she’s behind me all the way. I just hear so much of midwives jumping on you soon as you say your past struggles. Also if you have any form of mental health at present.
Can anyone offer advice? I would really appreciate. ☺️

Hey! My LO is now 12wks old.

In the past - actually the fairly recent past, within the last 5 years - I’ve experienced depression which lead to self harm.

At your booking in appointment your midwife asks lots of routine questions about your health and circumstances, including mental health. I told her about the self harm, partly because it’s in my medical records and partly because I have scars so thought it better to tell her about it as it was going to come up at some point, probably the 1st time she took blood.

There was no hint whatsoever at any point that SS would need to be informed. All that happened was she asked me about my mood in at each appointment. I said it’s fine (it is) and she believed me.

My experience with the health visitor was similar. I told her about my history with self harm, she asked once about my mood once my son was born.

I guess they ask most Mums about their mood anyway as PND is so common.

I think if there was clear evidence the child would be at risk eg domestic violence or inappropriate housing then they would refer you. But you don’t pose a risk to your child simply because you have struggled with your mental health in the past 🙂

They won’t be judgemental about it either, I bet they hear all sorts!

C*orrection,

"Im very aware of my past, I loved it."

Should say I loved it*

"Lived"

I've no experience of this myself but you sound like you have a great support network and have thought everything through. I just wanted to comment to say that it is absolutely normal for a midwife to ask about your mood and how you're feeling just as much as they check your urine and blood pressure as s routine too so they are very much geared up to keep an eye on and be open to conversations about mental health as well as the physical stuff. The HV and GP (at 6 week check) also make a real point of asking, and asking properly after the baby arrives too so I promise you mental health is at the front and centre of care these days. As I say I've never had an issue so don't know how things work if they do refer you but they still ask me every single time just to be sure as they don't want to miss anything.

I realise that sounds like there could be complications if they do talk to you about your mental health, I'm sorry that's so not what I meant! They talk about it in a supportive way and social services as far as I can tell isn't any part of that (I've seen lots of ladies post on here about perinatal mental health support services, that's more what I meant when I said about referral).

Having open discussions with your care team about your mental health is a positive thing, I'm certain of it, they all want a healthy and happy mum and baby at the end of it.

OP, I think this is your anxiety talking. You seem to feel threatened and frightened that you will be judged, or have your baby taken away.
The whole point of the midwife asking about your mental health is so that you can be flagged up for extra support if needed. There is a perinatal mental health team, who are there to help women with ante- or post-natal depression etc. Social workers would never separate a mother and baby unless there was an actual risk to the baby’s safety. The emphasis nowadays is on providing support to the mother if required.
Try to relax and trust your midwifery team. They are there to help you!

Hi OP

I have also suffered in the past with an eating disorder and to be honest still do. I was open about this with my MW at my booking appointment and was referred to a consultant who further referred me to my trust's eating disorder team. Although I think the intention is good (no suggestion of not being a fit mother), my booking appointment was in April, my telephone appointment with the consultant was in July as last week I had my assessment with the eating disorders team! I have however now been fast tracked to the top of the list due to being pregnant and due in just over 7 weeks!

As another poster has said, my MW just asks me each appointment how the referral process is going and if I'm managing ok.