Pushy MIL (COVID-19 related)

[SailorJayne]

I wasn’t sure where to put this but thought the pregnancy thread would be the best place for it.

So I had a rough year last year, two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. My DP and I are so happy now that I’m 16 weeks pregnant and although we have both been very nervous this is the first time we have made it to the second trimester and we have seen and heard baby twice now so we are at ease.

My problem is that where I live, COVID cases are rising very quickly again. Even before I fell pregnant we were as safe as we could be, no unnecessary trips here and there (DP works in the NHS). Now my MIL has had COVID twice, my father caught it recently in work (also works for the NHS) and my younger brother caught it from school, so we decided as it seems to be very close to home for both of us and the risk of DP catching it at work and bringing it home is rather high already we have decided that we won’t be visiting family in their homes or having anyone over at the moment (we live in a very small flat).

The problem is, my MIL is acting as though we’ve just told her that we never want to see her again. She lives a two hour drive from us yet she lives two minutes away from my BIL and in the same street as her sister. We have been inundated with her complaints about the fact that we’re “abandoning her” and that she is so lonely without DP and she is demanding to come see us if we “can’t be bothered making the trip to her”. DP tried to explain that we were not abandoning her and that we are both rather nervous as this pregnancy has been something we have waited for for such a long time. Just like a stroppy child she said whatever and hung up on him.

I wasn’t so bothered at first as i don’t particularly like her. Not by my own decision, we had a lot of drama around my pregnancy losses last year that have completely ruined my view of her. But tonight I get a disgusting Facebook message from her saying that just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean the world revolves around me and that I’m completely selfish to stop DP from going to see her. I haven’t responded as I’m not a very patient person and will make matters worse, but I just cannot believe the audacity on this woman. The only person she believes the world revolves around is her.

I understand some of you may think we are being a bit silly by keeping ourselves so reserved but this is a pregnancy and a baby that I plan on keeping, I don’t want anything to even slightly threaten the health of my unborn baby and with DP working in a hospital it’s already worrying enough as two of my cousins are nurses and I’ve heard the terrifying stories they have to tell about being on the front line.

Also for reference, we haven’t said we won’t be seeing anyone at all and have told everyone that we are more than happy to go for a walk in an open space or sit in the garden (at a safe distance). MIL isn’t interested in this though and thinks that if we don’t enter her house we have officially abandoned her like a helpless puppy.

I’ve shown DP the Facebook message and he has said he will be calling her in the morning (which he will) to put her in her place. I can’t even say I’m angry as I expect this kind of thing from her, she’s incredibly childish and is very weirdly jealous of my relationship with DP (which has not only been noticed by me but by her husband SFIL also).

Any advice on how to combat this? As much as I don’t like her I don’t want this to escalate and become a NC situation for the sake of my unborn child who I want to have both his or hers grandmothers. I just am losing the will to remain calm.

Have you and your dp been vaccinated?

Yes, both fully vaccinated and DP has had a booster vaccine as well since they’re given to NHS first. Although we of course feel much better being fully vaccinated, my father is also fully vaccinated with a booster and was really quite bad with COVID. He’s a fit and healthy 51 year old man with no underlying issues.

I wouldnt tolerate this at all, she wont change.
I'm afraid to say my reply to her message would be ' Don't contact me again, Fuck off'

When you've been through a lot to get to this stage, honestly put your baby first, don't care what other people think or do, they're not you and they haven't walked your path.

Just don't put up with drama, if she wants to see DP or you she has options.
Also not saying to go NC but for the future whatever happens I'd frame it as wanting the best for your DC, having a grandmother is only a bonus if they add to life. Not saying she wouldn't but generally speaking too often people maintain contact with relatives who are the opposite of good for them, as if having that relationship is better than nothing, when it might not be.

No advice but I was 100% in your boat and did the same while I was pregnant. I would have hid myself in a glass box for 9 months if I meant my little boy would get here okay and he did! I was supposed to be having an outdoor gathering with our parents/siblings etc about a month before I was due in the summer but I cancelled it because even outside I felt that some people were having the opinion that covid no longer existed. I had my FIL asking to touch the bump (which already creeps me out anyway but surely due to covid he wouldn’t)! I think because people were rating their own safety and had decided they were no longer at risk from covid somehow that meant I wasn’t either 🤔 I didn’t let a soul in our house the whole time I was pregnant and didn’t even initially want to let anyone in to meet our newborn when he was so tiny and couldn’t fight off even a cold. Everyone is different but you’re not crazy for wanting to do that, especially given your circumstances. You’ve made it clear why you’re doing it. You could highlight the number of pregnant women in intensive care etc if she needs it spelled out to her but it’s your health and your baby’s health and is entirely your choice. If she can’t put up with a walk for a few months for the safety of her grandchild there’s something far wrong 🙄

Pregnant woman, especially in the third trimester, are very vulnerable for getting serious affects from covid, so even though you're vaccinated, I would be keeping to myself, too. My SIL nearly died when she caught covid at 34 weeks. Her baby boy had to be taken by emergency cs, and she was in a coma, on a ventilator, for 6 weeks. She went through hell and is still dealing with devastating long term effects.

Ignore your MIL. Don't give a single thought to her ridiculous tantrums and manipulation, and never apologise for being sensible and protecting yourself. She's a twat.

I'm with you on this OP! People can tell me I'm being OTT all they like, I simply do not care. I just don't want to take the risk and I'm perfectly happy meeting people outdoors.

Luckily my immediate family have all been supportive, but I have had a few friends and more distant relatives who seem to have taken this deeply personally. It's very weird - some of these are people who would be very open to outdoor activities, and we often used to go for long hilly walks together pre-covid. But because I've mentioned it's due to covid, it's like I've personally infringed on their "freedoms".

As they've all been my family/friends, not my DH's, I've felt very comfortable to tell them all straight - why on Earth do you think that an indoor meet-up with you would be more important to me than my unborn child?! But I understand that you probably can't be that upfront with your MIL. I don't think there's much you can do other than leave it to your DH (sounds like he's firmly on your side and not a wet blanket when it comes to his mummy as I often read about on MN). I'm sorry you have to put up with it though - it's the last thing you need!

People who have just had covid are the safest people to see.

I can totally relate to you. Right now you have to put yourself and your baby. Ur carrying a precious human life and unfortunately it is MILS like yours that are so selfish and still happen to think about themselves. It's ridiculous. Ud think they'd b mature enough by that age! I really can't understand why she doesn't get ur in a vulnerable situation and keep the heck away for a bit.
When I was pregnant I turned into a hermit. Luckily we were in a stricter lock down then so had that as a reason not to see people. Covid cases were very high in my area and there wasn't much information on how it'd affect pregnant women. No one was vaccinated either.
But still got hounded and guilt tripped for not seeing people! I stuck to my guns and kept well away from anyone. My MIL got upset but she's not the type to say much but I felt her cold vibes and off treatment. She would usually send food or keep in touch to see how I'm feeling but I got nothing from her.during my pregnancy. Clearly she was unhappy with my choice of not seeing people. I brushed her off.
My mum was no better she guilt tripped me a lot she worked in a school and it gave me great anxiety. I was compared to other pregnant women who continued to visit their family etc.
It all really got me down during my pregnancy. And it's made me realise people can really be selfish and the ones ud expect that'd really care for u in them moments. Itl always stick with me for life how People responded to my choices in them moments. And like u said its just temporary but people over react like ud never see them again.

Just try to enjoy ur pregnancy and block this negative energy out. I'd block ur MIL off facebook. Its so rude of her to message u like that.

Are u going to be OK after birth? Would u let people visit then and hold ur baby?

You have every right to do what you feel is right for your family and baby. I'd leave it to DP to sort her out. As frustrating as it is, this is her problem not yours. Your concerns are legitimate. She's acting like a petulant child. Have confidence that you have done nothing wrong and try to leave this with her (easier said than done!!).

FWIW, this sounds like good practise for the many boundaries around your child you are likely to need to set with this woman in future. You'll need a tough skin and the confidence to do what you know is best. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy

She sounds a nightmare. I know dp is dealing with her but my response would be “MIL, we’re doing our best at this tricky time to minimise risk to this little one. I’m sorry if you’re not happy with our approach, but this is what we’ll be doing.”

Personally I feel it’s a bit OTT (and I say that as someone who gave birth at the start of the pandemic and is now pregnant again) - when you talk about not doing a single thing to risk the health of your unborn child, short of never leaving the house you have to learn that risk is part of life, especially when you have children - every time I put my one year old in the car she is far more at risk than she was from covid when I was pregnant.

All the above said though, the way your MiL has spoken to you is completely disgusting and even though I don’t agree with your logic, I wouldn’t dream of speaking to anyone like that and would completely respect their decision. Glad to hear DP will be giving her both barrels later - how dare she take that ridiculous view that you’re ‘making’ him do anything.

She needs putting in her place, quite honestly. I’m glad you and your DP are on the same page.

@Lullaby88

I can totally relate to you. Right now you have to put yourself and your baby. Ur carrying a precious human life and unfortunately it is MILS like yours that are so selfish and still happen to think about themselves. It's ridiculous. Ud think they'd b mature enough by that age! I really can't understand why she doesn't get ur in a vulnerable situation and keep the heck away for a bit. When I was pregnant I turned into a hermit. Luckily we were in a stricter lock down then so had that as a reason not to see people. Covid cases were very high in my area and there wasn't much information on how it'd affect pregnant women. No one was vaccinated either. But still got hounded and guilt tripped for not seeing people! I stuck to my guns and kept well away from anyone. My MIL got upset but she's not the type to say much but I felt her cold vibes and off treatment. She would usually send food or keep in touch to see how I'm feeling but I got nothing from her.during my pregnancy. Clearly she was unhappy with my choice of not seeing people. I brushed her off. My mum was no better she guilt tripped me a lot she worked in a school and it gave me great anxiety. I was compared to other pregnant women who continued to visit their family etc. It all really got me down during my pregnancy. And it's made me realise people can really be selfish and the ones ud expect that'd really care for u in them moments. Itl always stick with me for life how People responded to my choices in them moments. And like u said its just temporary but people over react like ud never see them again.

Just try to enjoy ur pregnancy and block this negative energy out. I'd block ur MIL off facebook. Its so rude of her to message u like that.

Are u going to be OK after birth? Would u let people visit then and hold ur baby?

Ohhh yes on being compared to other pregnant women - the entitled relatives who were sooo personally offended by my wish to meet outside were constantly bringing up how other pregnant women we know are behaving. It's the most stupid argument - I'm not them, and I really don't care how they're choosing to manage the risk!

I also had people telling me that all the stress of isolating myself and being careful is "no good for me" and I have to "live with covid". I'm not stressed or anxious, I'm having a grand old time, actually! I'm perfectly happy with how I'm currently living my life, and I know that it's only temporary.

I agree with @Lullaby88's question about how you'll feel after the baby, though. I do sometimes sit and wonder how weird it will be to suddenly go into more of a "normal" way of living, so make sure you're prepared for that and willing to recognise signs that you're not adjusting well. But what I'd also say, is that you'd hardly be the first new mother to be a little germ-phobic with your newborn even since before covid. It would hardly be unheard of, and I think everyone should give a new mother a little bit of slack to be a bit crazy for a little while! I think the best think you can do is be 100% honest with your antenatal care team and then health visitors after the birth about how you're feeling about it. They'll tell you if/when your precautions are becoming a little too much

Thank you all for your insight on this!

For the question of how I’m going to feel when the baby comes, I think it depends on the circumstances at the time. Baby is due late March and so far here we have been in lockdown two years in a row throughout March. As restrictions are all lifted and there is no lockdown at the moment cases are only rising and rising and I’m worried that we won’t go back into a lockdown before baby is born to be honest, I would have felt more at ease if we were in one (which might sound crazy but that’s just how I feel). We have already said that if cases are really bad when baby in born or we’re in a lockdown that people will have to see baby through our balcony doors (we live on the ground floor) and that there won’t be any holding until we believe it’s safe and if cases are not so bad and we aren’t in a lockdown we will have people over but wearing a mask and taking a LFT the night before (which everyone does already due to their jobs).

I know this may sound really anal to some but I've always been a bit of a germ freak and that’s only going to get worse with a baby as I just want to do what’s best by my child and protect them as best as I can from this.

I completely appreciate you wanting to keep safe in pregnancy/when the baby is born, and I agree with you. Especially as my MIL became a nightmare after I had a baby. But it's very easy to get carried away with the Covid situation if you allow it

When they say it takes a village to bring up a child, it's really true. You could end up feeling isolated and depressed. Your baby could grow up to find social situations very difficult because they haven't been exposed to others. Just keep some perspective on that.

But yes, right now, you've every right to keep away. You could have rainbows shooting out of your ass and you'll still be the devil. Just let your husband keep in contact for now.

I know this may sound really anal to some but I've always been a bit of a germ freak and that’s only going to get worse with a baby

If you know that, maybe you should start challenging yourself a little? Being germ phobic is going to affect both your relationship with the wider family, and your child. So please don't let it escalate. Babies need some contact with germs in order to prime their immune systems, and they need to be held by those who are going to be their family support in life.

Talk with someone other than your DH abbot any decisions you make. Someone who'll be honest with you rather than automatically back you up out of kindness. Of course a midwife or health visitor is probably ideal. But certainly someone who can be objective and prevent you spiralling.

Hmm I totally understand you OP.
Only reason I asked what ud do after u have the baby us because I feel u and I are quite similar. And it did worry me at that time how I'd be dealing with visitors. We just made a plan and stuck to it. Some people got offended but most understood.

Reiterate your willingness to go up and see her in a park. Also ask DP to call her via FaceTime or something. This shows you are willing to put the effort in, but currently not going beyond boundaries that are comfortable for you. Also, repeat that this is a time limited thing - due to pregnancy.

It may not change her behaviour- in which case ignore.