Friend TTC

[ScottishMum1234]

I am 32 and pregnant with my 3rd child.
My best friend since school has been trying for a baby for years and has been unsuccessful. She is very open and honest with me and we talk about it a lot so she feels supported by me.

I tried to be very sensitive when telling her I was pregnant with my 3rd baby but I would have liked her to be happy for me as it's an amazing blessing for my family.

She told me she cried and laughed when I told her and I felt really uncomfortable and guilty. She also told me comments her partner said so I know they have obviously discussed this in a negative way.

I don't know how to be myself around her when I can't talk about my boys or feel excited about my pregnancy. Following our chat, I actually feel like I want to distance myself from her as I felt very negative and down after this, but I know it isn't fair on her situation. Any tips or help on how to deal with this?

Honestly? Be kind to her - she's obviously having a shit time and, no matter how much she cares about you, she's understandably finding it hard to be happy for you when you have (multiple times!) the one thing she's desperate for and can't seem to get.

I’m sure you've got plenty of other people you can talk to about your pregnancy; if you care about this friend then you'll be sensitive to the distress she must be in and won't take it personally if she doesn't want to talk babies or seem very excited for you.

And of course she's entitled to talk to her partner about how upsetting it is to see other people falling pregnant!

Saying this as someone who's had three recent miscarriages whilst seemingly everyone I know is having babies.

I expect she is also happy for you, but because you are best friends she is very open about her feelings for herself too.

I wouldn't distance myself from a friend for this reason. And I would try to limit baby/pregnancy talk unless she brings it up. Save that chat for someone else and carry on with friendship as usual is what I would do.

She’s entitled to voice her frustration to her partner but telling you what was said was a dick move. Congratulations on your pregnancy ☺️

Yes that's true, because I'm her best friend she will be more open with me with what her partner has said and that she cried etc. I told her in the most sensitive way possible, I just felt so uncomfortable when she told me the negatives. Just took some of my joy away.

I will never talk to her regarding my pregnancy or any issues I'm having unless she will message me to ask about the pregnancy. I pretty much pretend is isn't happening when I talk to her unless she mentions it so I don't upset her.

It's just hard to know what to say and I feel like I have to hide a massive part of myself when we meet up.

Thank you for your help.

@Mandofan

She’s entitled to voice her frustration to her partner but telling you what was said was a dick move. Congratulations on your pregnancy ☺️

Yes completely agree. I know the conversation would be happening as she needs to talk about it, it was just uncomfortable to be told! Thank you so much x

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I agree with the comments about being kind to her and letting her process this. She cried because she’s upset for her, this isn’t about you at all. I’m sure if it were another friend/relative who told her she was pregnant, she’d have the same reaction.

Infertility doesn’t get the same level of sympathy as people who have a disease or an illness, but there are studies to show that infertility has the same negative psychological impact as dealing with cancer. I’m sure she is happy for you but she has been through/is still going through a lot to attain something you’ve been blessed with thrice over.

Out of curiosity, what sort of negatives did she bring up? It may have been jealousy/bitterness/pain but it depends on what was said.

Having been in the position of your friend, when you're really struggling with infertility and a friend gets pregnant, especially seemingly easily or with a second or third when you don't have a first, it feels like being kicked in the stomach, it hurts so much. If I were you, I would feel glad that your friend felt like they could be honest instead of having to pretend. After a pretty long journey, I'm finally pregnant and it's the most glorious feeling. This might sound mean but I would focus on how wonderfully lucky you are and how much pain she will be in and treat her with kindness.