Please help… Feeling so alone.

[Pea30]

I’m 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. I live with my boyfriend and our dog. The pregnancy was unplanned but wanted.

Some days are better than others, but overall I’m not enjoying it. It’s not just a case of physically not liking it. I’m mentally struggling more than I thought I would. Before pregnancy I was so broody, motherly, always wanted children.

But for a while now I’ve been struggling to bond with it. I feel exactly the opposite to how I thought I’d feel. I have always been so good with children but now I feel disdain towards any I spend time with. I feel disgust all the time towards anything baby related. I don’t have the “ga ga” mushy feeling I longed for for so long and thought I’d feel. I feel disgust and shame at the pregnancy. I get such an irrational wave of shame out of the blue and a lump in my chest when I think of the pregnancy sometimes and I feel like hiding away. When other pregnant women use the word “bump” and refer to their babies as peanut or anything like that, it makes me cringe. I feel like I’m just going through the motions but I feel numb. And I feel guilty too and like a failure for feeling this way. I cry most days at the shame I feel towards myself for feeling like this and out of fear of the future. I worry I won’t be a good mum. I worry I won’t bond with him. I worry that he’ll be like his father too. I was hoping for a girl which I think has also been another blow. I also feel guilty for thinking like that. I just feel so low all the time and trapped.

My relationship with my boyfriend isn’t the best, we have a messy history which included infidelity on his part at the beginning, and a lot of heartache that I’m not sure if I ever forgave him for. I’ve always had anxiety and I’ve always been depressed when with him. I’ve never felt like he loves me like I imagined my life partner would. But I had just began to feel happier and feeling better about myself. We were running a lot smoother… and then I got pregnant.

My partner is trying his hardest to be a better person and I do trust him now. It’s been 2 years since the beginning and I feel like it’s my issue now not letting go of the resentment. The start of the pregnancy was awful and we used to fight alot but he has got better at understanding my emotions and being more patient. I know I can be hard work because I am not rational at the moment. My emotions are all over the place all the time and I can be moody and snappy out of the blue and very anxious which causes me to lash out. I also feel very selfish at the moment. I feel like I’ve lost my empathy and want things entirely my way all the time.

I couldn’t ever bring myself to have an abortion, and when I think about what would happen if I lost the baby I feel devastated. So part of me wonders if this is just hormones making me feel so low? Either way it’s been very hard to get my head round the pregnancy and accept that my life is over. Selfish I know but that’s how it feels. And that makes me feel even worse about myself and even more depressed that I feel like that.

I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I used to be such a warm, empathetic, caring person. Everyone used to say what a good mum I’d be when the time came. So what has happened to me?

Is this fear, or stress? Am I overwhelmed? I know there is help out there but I’m skeptical of it.

What I’d like to know is if anyone else feels this way about their pregnancy? Will it pass? Is it just hormones or have I just turned into this selfish, uncaring person I don’t like anymore?!

Any help from those who have felt the same would be much appreciated.

Hi. Couldn't read and not comment.

I felt somewhat disassociated when I was pregnant with DS, like it wasn't really real. The bonding didn't really kick in till the first time I saw him, then it was lovr at first sight.

I think our hormones do a lot to is while we're pregnant. That and feeling tired and uncomfortable all the time. I'm sure it will pass.

That being said, maybe talk to your GP or midwife about how you're feeling, they may be able to refer you to a therapist that can help you out.

Wishing you the best 💐

Being pregnant does mess with your head. I had worries that felt enormous including what if I'm a bad mum, I think it's normal.

I would recommend speaking to your midwife or a therapist if you can afford it. I also joined a pregnancy yoga group where everybody spoke about their week at the beginning. This really helped to normalise some of my anxieties. The studio I went to does an online pregnancy class, message me if youd like a link.

Regardless, please speak to somebody in real life, friend or professional.

Sorry to hear OP. Do speak to your Gp about some counselling it will help a lot I'm sure. And try not to worry too much, most people don't have perfect, blissful pregnancies and I'm sure half the babies in the world were unplanned. It doesn't mean they are not wanted and hugely loved (when they arrive!)

Hi @Pea30

You sound frightened and overwhelmed at the moment - is that how you feel? It really struck a chord with me that you first said you're expecting a baby son then referred to your baby as 'it' rather than 'he' or 'him' and a lightbulb came on in my head. I get it because I've been there.

I felt similar to you in many ways. My daughter is now nearly two and yes, at times I still struggle (she was born four months early, spent 7.5 months in hospital, 5.5 of those in NICU so our early bonding experiences weren't great) but I adore her like I never thought I could ever love anyone. Your life isn't over - it's just beginning a new chapter. You're soon to be a mum but you're still YOU, you're still a person with hopes and dreams and fears and aspirations.

Maybe you will instantly bond with your baby, maybe you won't, but if prenatal depression is a possibility then the sooner you get support, the better. Build a support network now rather than wait until your baby arrives and feel so alone with any feelings you may have at that time. If you do that then IF you have postnatal depression after your little lad puts in appearance then you'll already have the help there from the offset.

I wish I'd done that. Now on the harder days I remind myself how far we've come as a family, what miracles babies are to defeat odds the way they do, and I thank my lucky stars that I am her mummy.

I'm no expert but I'd say it's hormones making you feel this way. Pregnancy is not always the epitome of a mother in love with her unborn baby/ies. It's a confusing, anxious, highly involved and deeply emotional time in any parent-to-be's life.

I promise you one thing though... you WILL get through this. Keep reaching out for support - you're doing exactly the right thing

pregnancy is so difficult x

I can’t help wonder if some of these feelings are tied up with feeling “stuck” with someone who broke your heart at some point in time.

That feeling of utter vulnerability and being at the mercy of someone else, someone who you hope beyond all hope will do the right thing next time.

Recovering from infidelity is also hard

I hope you can find someone you can talk to x

@Squiff70 is right, you will get through this

Hi OP, you're not alone

I was depressed during pregnancy, just didn't recognise it at the time, and it took me a few months to bond with DD after she was born.

I recognise the feelings of shame you describe, I really feel your distress!

Please speak to your midwife about it, I know now that feeling like this is actually very common but not many people talk about it. I wish I had reached out for help, it would have helped me get better and bond with DD quicker, please don't make the same mistake I made!

This can happen during pregnancy. My friend felt awful during her pregnancy she had to go on antidepressants. After she had her daughter she was a great mum and she felt a lot better.
It's such a huge change to the body physically and hormonally and everyone responds differently.
Please make sure u do get ur partners support to help u out and get rest when needed.
In my own pregnancy I had ups and downs the first time. It felt overwhelming thinking I'd be responsible for a child. I questioned if I'd be a good mum.? Would I bond? This is all normal especially if its ur first time. It can feel very overwhelming like it's just u who feels like this. Sometimes the men can't understand how it feels for pregnant women as its far too complex for them. Yes they can be a kind listening ear but really the best people to talk to are Mums in my own experience.
When I had my baby I felt a rush of love. It was exciting and amazing. I hope that ur pregnant journey goes well and ur child birth. Take care of urself and don't worry too much right now. 1