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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Did you feel like your baby’s Dad was connected with your baby while you were pregnant?

22 replies

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 00:10

My baby’s Dad and I have split up but still talk a lot as he very much wants to be involved.

I am 34 weeks pregnant and over the past month my love and feelings for my baby have become sooo very real and deep. I guess this is because he’s becoming bigger in my stomach or perhaps because my hormones are ramping up ready for birth? I don’t know but I feel it more than I ever have during the whole pregnancy so far.

Anyway, this feeling has really put my issues with his Dad into perspective and I have zero interest in arguing with his Dad because I don’t want to create any kind of tense atmosphere for my baby to grow up in. His Dad on the other hand seems to pick a lot of fights over stuff. I’m finding it really hard to deal with as I feel like he’s letting our son down by doing it. I know it’s irrational, but I fear that he doesn’t really love his son because if he did then he wouldn’t try and create a stressful environment for him to be born into.

Is it possible that he just doesn’t love him yet but will do once he is born and holds him? Does it take a while for Dads to connect with their baby? I can’t understand why he is getting worked up over stupid things when our priority should just be creating a loving safe environment for the baby.

OP posts:

Lozzle15 · 01/10/2021 00:51

Hi, I am 30 weeks pregnant an have a relatively same issue, this is my first pregnancy however my partner has other kids. I expected things to be different like he would always touch my belly talk to my lil boy bond over baby stuff an shopping but it's been complete opposite. I have felt he doesn't want the baby an that I'm a burden on his life . My partner says its different for men cause they don't feel what we feel like the kicks the connection until their born or the need to buy anything when he's here but as a mum u feel you want something to be excited about an share it an them be excited back an want to hold you more an your baby even if he is inside of you at this point. You should never feel guilty about your baby cause everything happens for a reason an already feeling like a mum an being protective we would do anything for our kids whether that stick with the person who is their father or trying to Co parent an work out a way of all being on the same page

ofwarren · 01/10/2021 01:13

I have 3 children and my husband never "bonded" with the bump. He had instant love as soon as they were born though.
I think it's different for men as they don't have pregnancy hormones and cannot feel the baby moving inside them so it doesn't really feel real till they are here.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 01/10/2021 01:17

No, DH was always looking forward to meeting them but never overly bonded with my bump.

I didn't love any of my babies until a few weeks after birth. I knew I had a responsibility to look after myself for them. But I didn't love them when they were bumps.

Goneblank38 · 01/10/2021 01:27

Hey op, congrats on your pregnancy. My husband was really excited during my pregnancies but didn't really bond with the baby until they were born. Same for me really.

I will say that having a newborn is stressful. If your ex is picking fights now and stressing you out, there's a good chance this will continue after your baby's birth. I would think about some strategies for dealing with him now while you have the head space.

Namechangegardens · 01/10/2021 04:06

Hi, to be honest I was so excited about being pregnant but even I never really felt all that emotionally connected to my bump, similarly partner was excited and enjoyed feeling movements but I wouldn't say there was a connection. Our baby is now 3 weeks old and we are so in love with him, corny as it may sound my partner has been overwhelmed by his own love at times.

Pix89 · 01/10/2021 07:58

I must have an odd (but lovely) DP. He has literally went on shopping trips and bought baby clothes, rubs bump, talks to it and has wanted to be involved and has come to every midwife appointment with me. It is lovely having that extra support and his interest. He has sometimes been more on the ball than me this pregnancy.

YouMeandtheSpew · 01/10/2021 10:23

No, this is my second pregnancy and to be honest my husband has never really been very bonded to my bump in either pregnancy. He loves coming to scans and seeing the baby. But he definitely didn’t really bond with our son till after he was born.

But this sounds like something a bit different that that - is he being nasty to you?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/10/2021 10:27

I'm 29 weeks and DH has been great - I don't think it felt "real" until he could feel kicks and things, but he's been reading books to my bump before we go to sleep, he chats to the baby, and he comes over to touch my bump a lot. And he's started randomly buying baby books/babygrows/baby stuff, which is quite sweet.

But, I do know men who didn't feel much until the baby was born. And a know a few men who weren't really very interested in their kids until they were 7/8/10, too... I have no idea how my friends coped with that!

my issues with his Dad

Are these new issues? Has he always picked fights? I'm not sure this is about love for the baby... do you still love each other? Is he horrible to you? Do you still want to be together?

pumpkinpie01 · 01/10/2021 11:35

I thought my dh would be gushing over my bump and stroking it and talking to it , that's what I hoped for and what I thought he would be like . But he wasn't but when our son was born he was, still is , an absolutely fantastic dad

Pamparam · 01/10/2021 15:01

My partner obviously loved from birth but didn’t really even ‘bond’ with my first until she was over the newborn stage. But newborn babies don’t give you anything - they’re quite boring! So I don’t think that’s particularly unusual.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 01/10/2021 15:05

I don’t think my husband has particularly ‘bonded’ with the bump either time, but then I don’t think I have either to be perfectly honest. I think that all happens after they arrive.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 01/10/2021 16:28

No my DH hasn't particularly bonded with my bump, not this pregnancy or before I gave birth to DS, now 3. He however is an amazing dad and I know how much he adores DS, he cried when he was born he was so happy!

Imatwinmum · 01/10/2021 16:32

Nope and he never cuddled or kissed my stomach or anything. You see that all the time in movies or on tv, I felt a bit sad but he’s just not like that and I do think it’s harder for fathers to have a connection. He didn’t cry at scans or anything! He was more worried about how we were going to fit them all in the car. He adored them after they were born though and is an amazing Dad.

saraclara · 01/10/2021 16:36

How can you love a bump? Seriously, I'm a bit thrown by this OP and many responses.

I didn't love my babies until a week or two after they were born. And that seemed absolutely usual among all my friends back then, and midwives and HVs mentioned that as being absolutely normal.

I felt protective of then them in the womb, I felt amazement and wonder when they were born, but real love? No. Not straight away, and certainly not before birth.

Add in that one's partner isn't actually feeling the same physical presence of the unborn child 24/7, and to be honest, I doubt that any man or female partner can feel the same kind of connection, never mind love.

SylvanasWindrunner · 01/10/2021 16:42

Not at all. He found it a bit weird I think He was great when she was born though, much more of a natural than me.

Tbh I wouldn't say I was massively bonded either. I felt protective of her but I didn't feel 'love' really until she was here.

SylvanasWindrunner · 01/10/2021 16:47

Yes, I think this 'rush of love' concept does more harm than good. Some people might get it I'm sure, but I had a rush of hormones, not love. Love grew in those first days and weeks, which I think is pretty normal. I felt protective of her and amazed by her from the start, but I definitely didn't feel the love that I do now I look at her. And she was inside, she still felt like a concept, not really a person

Rainbowheart1 · 01/10/2021 16:48

No,

And his a brilliant dad! It’s different when your the one carrying the baby I think.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/10/2021 17:05

I'm not sure I felt "bonded" to my bump in either pregnancy in the way you describe. I wanted to protect it, sure, but it was just a concept to me. I got to know my baby as a person when he was born. I didn't really love him until I started to know him.

The second time was better because I really understood that an actual human was coming to me, and I'd have to get to know him on his terms. But I don't think I ever felt like you describe during pregnancy and I'm pretty sure DH didn't either. We both learned to love the real human once he was there.

That said, we didn't spend the pregnancy fighting and having tension. I wouldn't have liked that, but I don't think I would have specifically felt that DH being unhappy about something was letting the baby down.

Changechangychange · 01/10/2021 17:40

I had a high risk pregnancy and DH didn’t really bond with the bump as a self-protective measure. In case DS didn’t make it.

Had zero impact on his love for DS once he was born. He absolutely adored that boy from day one.

He did say that a baby wasn’t really what he imagined - he had expected a newborn to just be a crying blob, whereas DS had a personality from day one. So in that sense DS was a lot easier for him to bond with once he was born, and DH could see that he was a real person. He felt like a person to me from the time he started kicking.

HyphenCobra · 02/10/2021 04:50

Yeah i didn't love my bump haha.
First DD i didn't have a rush of love for - can't remember when i did love her - maybe when the pain of labour and sleep deprivation passed 😄

Second, as soon as she was born i did get that rush of love feeling. But i think more because my labour had been shorter and she was my second so i knew what to expect!

RevolvingPivot · 18/10/2021 09:18

Talking and reading to your stomach is strange. Especially for the man. I would cringe at that.

thebookworm1 · 18/10/2021 10:11

@RevolvingPivot

Talking and reading to your stomach is strange. Especially for the man. I would cringe at that.

It’s not strange at all and even recommended practice for the dad to bond with the baby. My DH sings and talks to our baby and the baby recognises his voice now very distinctly. It’s lovely that every time he talks to the baby the baby reacts.

I have some friends who prefer to read to the baby. Nearly every single pregnancy book out there recommends this practice from late second trimester.

OP if it’s not possible because you’re separated though, no need at all to feel bad about it. Many men apparently seem less engaged with the baby throughout the pregnancy even when they are still with the mother.

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