Meeting friends babies after a recent miscarriage

[Quadrilingual]

How have people been post miscarriage and meeting friends babies? I miscarried in august at 5-6 weeks and it was my first pregnancy. My group of friends want to arrange a meet up soon and I am not sure about it. They all have babies and toddlers and one has a newborn that we would all be meeting for first time. They all know about my miscarriage and I do appreciate being asked because it's better than being left out completely. I'm just not sure I can handle being happy and excited and don't want to be putting on a fake smile the whole day then come home really down from it. Of course I am delighted for them all but it's quite raw at the same time. Am I being silly?

I went to see my friend and her baby boy a few weeks after my MC and I was fine, still had a cuddle with him, but it’s totally ok if you don’t feel ready. If they know about it then they will be understanding.

I'm sorry for your loss

If your friends have been considerate enough to check with you, then I am sure they will understand if you say you need more time. Everyone deals with loss differently - if you are not ready yet, then you're not ready.

I've had 3 MCs, but already have a child, so can't avoid being around children. I was fine with it, because it's not their baby I wanted - it was mine.

Not silly at all, its ok to feel however you feel. I would have found the meet up you describe too much. If they're good friends they'll surely understand it's likely to be too raw. Maybe meet one or 2 at a time if and when you feel up to it.

They asked you so they must understand. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it. Don’t push yourself. If they are all contributing to a present then you could put some money in & ask them to include your name on the card?

You go when you’re ready. August is so recent. I’ve not met a couple of friends’ babies after my loss last Christmas (even the people who turned up with their newborn, unannounced, a few weeks after). You’ll get there, but you need to do this on your own terms and friends will understand. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Thank you everyone that's so useful. Actually yes I think a group of mums and their babies and toddlers will be too much but individually I would manage. Not sure if I should make up an excuse rather than say truth though as I don't want them to feel awkward and keep distant...

You can tell the truth, or a version of it, which is “I’d love to see you all, but after my recent loss, being in a group feels a bit overwhelming right now. I hope to see everyone really soon and stay in touch.”

That's a nice idea. I think if it were only the miscarriage I would maybe be stronger but so much rubbish had been happening to use these last two months. We've had a few hardships the last few years as well so my strength is slowly running out.

So sorry. I have the reverse of this just now as my friend is in your position and I have a new baby. I’ve found it so awkward not knowing what to do or say. I’ve felt she’s been avoiding me and we haven’t been messaging anywhere near as much as we normally would. Even during my pregnancy she was amazing and despite what she was going through she’d ask how I was etc. Every time she asked I felt so awkward and tried to play it all down and not talk about being pregnant. She’s had a few miscarriages now but the most recent one was very close to the end of my pregnancy 😔 She’s meeting my baby this week sometime but I think as you say, the best thing I can do is talk about it with her rather than try to avoid the subject completely. It’s so hard and as much as she’s probably feeling uncomfortable, I am too, just as much I’m sure! You just don’t know what the best thing is to say or do because you know you have the thing she wants ☹️ Just hoping she has some good news soon.

Same with you, hope you go on to have a healthy pregnancy 🤞🏼

I've had 3 MCs, but already have a child, so can't avoid being around children. I was fine with it, because it's not their baby I wanted - it was mine.

Such a lovely way to put it 🥺

In a group situation it may be more difficult for them to avoid baby talk that they might otherwise avoid in a one on one situation. The day to day mundane chat about their routine could be quite upsetting to hear if they’re all talking about it, even if they’re really sensitive friends. So maybe seeing them individually for now is easier! Only you will know how you’d feel about it

I found other people's babies actually brought me happiness, it was the initial announcements that I had a cry about. However if you don't feel ready that's perfectly okay too. Perhaps meeting them individually would be easier for now. I'm sorry for your loss.

You feel how you feel. And you can’t help that
I personally felt worse when others were pregnant, I always thought ‘that should have been me now’.
I was ok meeting the babies because I wanted my own, not someone else’s.

You're not being silly, you're processing your loss and trying to keep your mental health safe.

I feel "fortunate" in that I've only struggled with one specific baby that was born a few days before what was my DS2s due date (planned section so knew down to the time slot) . Emotionally and mentally I can't have anything to do with that person.