If you have had pn depression once did you get it again?

[MrsJVJ]

Pregnant with dc2 and starting to get anxious.
I had serious pn depression after my first child and was suicidal for quite a while. I never spoke about it or sought help until he was around 16 months old when I had some counselling. On the outside I was the 'perfect' mother but on the inside I hated myself and my baby for ruining my life. I gradually got to a much better place and after much deliberation we decided to have another dc. I have been honest with my husband and my midwife and I'm under the perinatal mental health team which have been fabulous and they support me every week.
As much as I feel in a better place this time, support wise and just general expectations of motherhood, I can't shift this huge worry that I will feel the same way again with pnd. Has anyone had pn depression once and not with another child? Or do I need to just accept that it is likely to happen and hope that with the support and medication I now have in place that I will get through it. Or could I feel worse this time despite the support?
Sorry for the ramblings, this is keeping me awake at night and I'm terrified of making my family's life worse or feeling suicidal again.
Thank you

Just to add my son is now 3, we have a really good relationship and there seems to be no lasting damage from the lack of connection or bond in the first year. He is wonderful and the light of my life (I think I'm worried that our relationship will suffer if I become unwell again as it is now so close)

Hi @MrsJVJ. I’m so sorry to hear how bad you suffered after your first, I too had very severe pnd after my first back in 2013, to answer your question I’ve had 4 more babies since then and not had it once. The baby blues is definitely real and each time I 100% thought it was pnd creeping up on me, but it passed please don’t worry yourself, none of us can prevent it happening if it does, and if you do ring midwife/health visitor/GP and they will help you. Relax and (try) to enjoy the rest of your journey xx

Thank you for replying to me...that is really great that you didn't suffer in future pregnancies. Did you do anything different?
Thank you

No. I had it badly with dc1 but was fine after dc 2. I think it helped that dc2 was a much easier baby.

No did absolutely nothing different, apart from I was maybe a little easier on myself! First time round I was so focused on ‘getting it right’ and being ‘the perfect mum’ although I think the pressure came from being so young (I was only 16 with my first). Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all perfect with the future babies, I definitely had my down days, the days I’d lose all hope and just want to cry, but they passed! This place is also great for virtual support aswell and has definitely helped me through the night feeds in the past x