Abortion

[dollface84]

Hi all,
10 days ago I tragically and traumatically lost my partner. I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our first child.
I'm so unsure on what to do about the pregnancy.
I know if I keep the baby I will have a part of him forever however...
I worry about the effects my grieving is having on the baby, I haven't and can't eat since.
I feel guilty for bringing a child into the world with one parent tragically gone already.
I'm petrified of doing this alone, he should be here coming to scans, he should be at the birth and holding his baby. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it without his strength, love and protection. I'm absolutely broken.
I have support from family and friends but ultimately I'm the one caring for this child alone for the rest of my life.
Any advice would be appreciated.

I’m so very sorry you lost your partner. Life can be very unfair.
One way to look at it is that your baby will bring you comfort and joy and be a little part of your partner with you every day.
Your baby will be fine as you grieve. She/he will take what they need from you to grow.
I do know of organizations that help women in difficult situations to keep their baby. If you would like their details send me a private message and I will reply.
Sending you unmumsnetty hugs and strength.

I have had room abortions so I'm absolutely pro choice. However I am a single mum and have been since my babies were born and I cope just fine, nobody ever wants to be a single mum but we don't always get what we want in life. I've been a single mum for many many years. I won't say it's easy because it's not but it's not the end of the world. In fact I've grown to love being a single mum as I get to being my child up as I see fit. In my opinion single parent children are very protective, loving and understanding towards their only parent. I have 2 very well grounded children both of whom have absent fathers for 2 very different reasons, they both have good lives, I earn and they dint go without. All a child really needs is love, nourishment, nature and guidance. It's a myth that children are damaged in some way growing up in a single parent family. I take great offense when anybody suggests it. My children are great and I do a great job on my own. There will be challenges and hurdles along the way but its also extremely rewarding knowing you do it alone, you find your way and routine.

At 16 weeks your baby is all formed, you don't have time on your side and I think you may regret it if you terminate. Your emotions will be all over the place. The unknown is always a scary thing. I'm sorry for your loss

Two not room

I'm so sorry for your loss. You absolutely are strong enough, the baby will help you get through it. Something to focus on, keep you busy and they'll be your bestest little buddy as they get older.

It will be sad at times that he can't be here but honestly I doubt you will regret going on to have his baby.

Try and eat even little and often a bit of toast, a piece of fruit. You are still so early in the grieving process. Talk to tour family ir even a midwife or gp about your concerns.

Nurture! I really should proof read

I would highly recommend getting some counselling. You are grieving and might make a decision you'll regret. Probably pregnancy choices counselling (eg Marie Stopes offer this I believe) and possibly also grief counselling.

There's a list of charities that may be able to help towards the bottom of this page www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/support-and-services/losing-your-partner-or-child-in-pregnancy/ and also on this page www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/bereavement-support/useful-links/websites/

OP please speak to someone as PP said like MSI they do have experience of this I promise. I used to be a counsellor there myself.
What I will add is don’t make any sudden choices, talk this through and make a choice based on what is best for you and not shock and heartbreak.

Hi @dollface84,

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you.

My husband died when I was 32, back in 2013 and it was the worst thing I've ever had to go through, and I wasn't pregnant at the time. I joined two fantastic supportive charities where I got to meet and get support from other people who had lost their partners and I'd recommend joining them. I know there were other women there who were pregnant when they were bereaved too.

The charities are WidowedandYoung, and CareFortheFamily. They are both easily found on a google search.

It sounds impossible that you can survive right now with, or without your baby but you are stronger than you realise, and taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, and you will. XxX

You are in the eye of the storm of your grief, as time goes by I don't think your life as it will be will necessarily be easier emotionally by also grieving the loss of your child.but your concerns are valid and whatever you decide would be understandable.
Becoming parent will be so so different to how it ought to have been, and you will need to grieve for the experience becoming a mother would have been with him, but that might not need to mean the baby should go. Your baby might just be what you need.
It is so hard because you need time for this decision and you don't have it. I think you need to talk to people who have been through what you have.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, glad you have some rl support, I wish for you that you can get through this time.

So so sorry for your loss 😞 what a tough time. I’ve just had a baby last month and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Your baby will bring you so much strength and help to keep your mind off other things as you move through your grief. Your partner will be so proud of you right now, wish there was something more helpful I could say to make it better for you

You're grieving please don't make decisions in haste. It's natural to fear what you don't know. Looking at it from the outside, obviously it's your choice but again I wouldn't do anything in haste. I wouldn't want you to feel like you lost 2 people and grieve again. Have you got family who can support you?

Speak to your midwife, I know in my trust I was supported by a team of specialist midwifes, who saw me at home, were there for my birth and a longer period after the birth to offer extra support. In my case it wasn’t for a bereavement but I inow that they also supported women in situations similar to your own.

It made all the difference to me keeping my baby (not the same situation as yours admittedly).

Wishing you all the best whatever decision you make x

I'm so sorry for your loss. At the moment everything will be so raw, and so overwhelming.

My brother died when my sister in law was 17 weeks pregnant. She went on to have the baby and he is now an incredible 5 year old and brings so much joy to her and the whole family.

I am so sorry for your loss! ❤
Please speak to your midwife, your GP and try and get some help from support groups. Speak to your friends and family, be open about what you're worried about.

If I am really honest, I don't think an abortion will make your grief easier. On top of grieving for your husband you will have to deal with loosing your baby and the hormonal changes that come with giving birth.

Sending you gentle hugs!

I don't think you should have an abortion.
If you had a private scan now you would see babies gender.

You won't regret this baby when he/she is born.
But you probably will regret aborting the baby and you can never get that back.

And I've had 3 abortions.

I don’t think you should make such a big decision in the midst of a cloud of grief. Your whole world has imploded, and you need to take time to think about everything. You CAN manage this baby on your own, and you might regret losing the last part of your partner by also losing his baby.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Don’t make any decisions in haste, because you can’t think clearly at the moment in the midst of such devastating grief.

Thinking of you dollface84 I hope you have lots of rl support.