When to tell older siblings

[TooMuchCheesecake]

I'll be 12 weeks pregnant on Thursday and have my scan on Sunday at 12+3. Other than DH and my boss no one else knows we are expecting and I'm wondering when would be a good time to tell them. We already have 2DC aged 11 and 8 and I feel we should tell them the news before anyone else.
So should we tell them after the scan, providing all has gone well of course? Or wait until the screening results, although I'm not sure how long that will take? With it being DC3 I already have quite a bump and will find it hard to hide it much longer.

Also any tips/ideas on how to break the news to them would be appreciated! They will be shocked as this is a surprise baby for us.

Would be really interested to hear what others have suggested. We have an 8 year old daughter and would like to tell her first but wasn't sure when would be best. Xx

I wanted to wait to tell my toddler until after the 20 week scan just in case. However, as soon as I told anyone else after my 12 week scan the first thing they did was turn to dd and say “are you excited to be a big sister” before I’d even managed to say she doesn’t know yet. So I’d say sooner than you tell anyone else!

Do tell them before anyone else it will help with how they adjust and take to the news. Perhaps show the scan photo and just talk about it with them or you could get big brother / sister t shirts.

We did the harmony/panorama (can't remember which one!) and didn't tell anyone after that. Have much smaller child so didn't tell her till after 20 week scan but with your ages, I'd want to tell them before anyone else but I think it would be a big readjustment so I wouldn't want to tell them if there was still a risk of a loss, so I'd pay privately for one of those tests if possible and tell them after those results and the scan were done. I'd also maybe not make too big a deal of it at first: I think they may understandably need to process some feelings at first before getting excited. But I think they're old enough they should know before grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.

Not being rude or scaremongering, but there is always a risk of a loss @leakymcleakleak I’ve told my older DC they were getting a baby sibling and then had to tell them the baby had died, it wasn’t exactly easy but they were fine. It was harder for me than them. Because of that, I’d tell them straight away OP. If you are finding it hard to hide, you may find they’ve figured out something is going on even if they don’t know exactly what.

I sometimes wonder exactly what we are protecting them from. If there is a loss, would they find out then? And feel like they’d been left out of a the big secret/not trusted to know/never get the excitement part? Or if there was a loss, and they didn’t find out, they’d just be confused and worried about what was going on with their parents being sad and mother unwell. What conclusions would they draw? Then would you never tell them, so even when they were adults and say they had a loss, you could tell them then and how would they feel?

Like I say, tell them.

Could you book a private scan and take them along?

Told my 6yo after my 12w scan and at the same time as our parents and siblings. She has zero filter on her mouth so she had to know only slightly before everyone else because she can’t keep a secret.

We made sure to tell her DD2’s name before anyone else after she was born.

My very young DD guessed both times so I’ve never had to do this . If it were up to me I’d push it as close to 20w as possible.

@PiesNotGuys I nearly reworded that then left it but you're right, there is always a risk of a loss. However once you've done the 12 week scan and screening, its much less likely, and there's also literally no hiding it at that point so not really much choice. My approach to telling people about pregnancy was based on who I'd like to know if there was a loss.

In my first pregnancy, I followed the 'rules' and didn't tell many people then I ended up telling way more people when I miscarried and felt really angry society had basically cut me off from the happy bit of telling people in case I then had to 'burden' them when things went wrong. Interestingly in my second and third (current) pregnancies, I actually felt I would need less support if things went wrong so told v different amounts of people: with this pregnancy I told people I was less close to before my parents, bizarrely, as I knew I'd want to talk to people if things went wrong but also that my parents are now older and I wouldn't necessarily want to upset them. I would actively want to hide an early loss from my very young child, but its hard to know with an 8 and 11 year old.

I think it would depend on their maturity and how they're likely to take both parts of the news - will they be excited about a younger sibling? Will they be unsure/sulk? Would they be devastated by a loss, or would they be able to process it ok? I know two 9 year olds v well, and I think if one of them was my child I'd tell them and if the other was my child I'd wait.

I think OP knows her children best, but its worth considering all the dimensions of their reactions. Equally, telling them now, letting them know its early and there's still a scan to go may help them feel they're part of the 'secret' and could help too. It all seems v dependent on the specific child.

Will they be excited about a younger sibling? Will they be unsure/sulk?

My DD had been asking for a sibling for about a year when we told her I was pregnant. She cried and said she’d changed her mind. 😂 Loves DD2 completely now.

Thanks @leakymcleakleak

I wasn’t trying to bring down the thread at all but with my experiences with pregnancy losses being at 17-20 weeks I no longer wait to tell, I don’t see any reason to. The only milestone I’d wait until would be 24 weeks for obvious reasons but OP says that’s not going to be practical. Take joy whenever you can, I say!

Congratulations OP

Thank you for all the reply's, it has given me lots to consider. Sorry to hear about your losses @PiesNotGuys, your advice has been very helpful.

I think I'll wait until results of the screening before telling them. I don't think I can hide it for any longer than that. And then other people can find out after that. They are both quite mature but I really have no idea how they would deal with a loss.

I think they both know something is going on as I've been suffering quite badly with sickness since 6 weeks and have had to take some time off work, but I doubt they would guess I'm pregnant.