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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Serious mental trauma at 4.5 months - help needed

22 replies

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 15:21

I’m writing for a friend (honestly!).
A very close friend of mine found out last Monday that her partner of 13 years and father to her unborn baby (4.5month pregnant) has been having an affair with our best friend on and off for the past five years.
Obviously this has caused her huge mental trauma and she is massively struggling to cope. She has stopped sleeping or wakes up every few hours and she is unable to eat.
Since last Monday she has mainly eaten small pieces of fruit, a lot of herbal tea and a tiny amount of a chicken roast but honestly it isn’t much.
I’m encouraging her in every way possible but at the end of the day I can’t force her to eat. Does anyone have any suggestions or know whether she could be harming the baby? She has booked a private scan for this evening to make sure that the stress hasn’t harmed the baby but I really want her to eat, I think it’s a mental thing rather than physical. I think she is hungry but it feels as if she has had so much control taken away from her that she is using food or lack of as something she can control.
I would love to hear if anyone survived off very little and had an ok birth or maybe small stories that I can share with her to persuade her to eat.
Any help is much appreciated as I’m at a total loss.

OP posts:

alphasox · 22/09/2021 15:25

Hugs for your friend. The lack of food isn't as terrible as you might think. I had HG in my preg and didn't eat for a few days at a time and some weeks might have had 3 rich teas a day for a few weeks. My baby took all the nutrients it needed from me and I felt shit but survived. I lost about 3-4 stone during my pregnancy. It's most important to stay hydrated.

Just be there for her, listen to her, reassure her.

LakeShoreD · 22/09/2021 15:26

What a horrible shock. Not quite the same thing but I had HG with my first and survived mostly on ready salted crisps, grapes and cucumbers that more often than not came back up. Baby was born healthy at 39 weeks weighing almost 8lbs. Obviously it’s good to take care of yourself as best you can but she won’t have harmed the baby.

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 15:28

Thank you both so much for your response. It's really good to know that she can survive on very little without harming the baby.
I'm just gently offering food at regular intervals and bought and made loads of chicken bone broth and plain veg soups etc and she's eaten some of that. My biggest concern is that if a midwife or GP thinks she's starving herself on purpose, what might they have to do?!
It's a mental health issue I suppose but I don't know what happens about that during pregnancy.
Luckily she has got a therapist and has started a program so fingers crossed that helps too.

OP posts:

Juicytoot287 · 22/09/2021 16:43

Is she taking multivitamins? Perhaps encourage her to take pregnancy multi vits so that no matter what her body has the nutrients it needs.

What an awful thing to be going through, ans terrifying all the same. I hope she starts to feel better soon and able to eat and function xx

mumofmunchkin · 22/09/2021 16:49

She could contact her midwife and ask to be referred to perinatal mental health for some extra support. What an awful thing to go through.

rhonddacynontaf · 22/09/2021 16:52

I lost a parent while pregnant and had hyperemesis. My husband also had a nervous breakdown in that time.

Child is bouncing in front of me stuffing hula hoops.

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 16:57

@Juicytoot287

Is she taking multivitamins? Perhaps encourage her to take pregnancy multi vits so that no matter what her body has the nutrients it needs.

What an awful thing to be going through, ans terrifying all the same. I hope she starts to feel better soon and able to eat and function xx

She is still taking multivits so that's a silver lining. She is also drinking a lot of herbal tea and I've got her to drink quite a bit of coconut water and kombucha, shop bought, not homemade :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 16:58

@mumofmunchkin

She could contact her midwife and ask to be referred to perinatal mental health for some extra support. What an awful thing to go through.

I will definitely suggest that to her! I think she hasn't got a midwife just yet but I think she is going to change her plan so that a midwife is more likely to visit her at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 16:59

@rhonddacynontaf

I lost a parent while pregnant and had hyperemesis. My husband also had a nervous breakdown in that time.

Child is bouncing in front of me stuffing hula hoops.

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience but I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have a healthy happy child! I will definitely pass that on. Thank you!

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WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 22/09/2021 17:06

Oh your poor friend, what a shock. You sound like a very good friend looking after her so closely. I also struggle to eat when I’m upset so can sympathise with that, maybe take her some protein shake/nourishment drinks and see if she will have those at least.

I think It would also be good to encourage her to speak to her midwife to see what professional support is available.

FWBNC · 22/09/2021 18:24

When my Dad died, I couldn't face food, certainly not meals & if anyone asked if I wanted something I said no, but some friends brought things around snd just popped them on the counter or in the fridge - things like tiny, tiny sandwiches with nice, but fairly plain fillings. Just a single bite (well 'pop in') and some 'pop in' sized protein balls, a slice cut up into 'pop in' sizes, that kind of thing,

Tiny nibbles just being there will probably help her to start eating again.

Maybe even small glasses of a nutritious smoothie.

Babies get all the good stuff first, it's the mum that'll feel dreadful

Poor woman, big hugs for her. I hope she has the sense not to take him back.

Let us know if you have a whip around for a hitman! Probably get a 2:1 deal - pair of bastards!!

ParkheadParadise · 22/09/2021 18:34

I suffered a traumatic bereavement when I was 7 months pregnant.
I was bloody sick of my family trying to get me to eat. I did lose weight and looked awful.
My midwife and GP we're brilliant. I was referred to the perinatal mental health team. I wanted to be dead I spent hours in my bed with the duvet over my head.
Dd was born healthy on her due date.

CorrBlimeyGG · 22/09/2021 18:42

Would she have Complan drinks? If she's better with fluids they're an easy way to add nutrients and calories. They're safe in pregnancy too.

thingymaboob · 22/09/2021 19:11

I lost 10kg in first pregnancy (so much more if you think of baby weight). I had Hyperemesis and didn't take vitamins. My baby born overdue and weighed 8lb, she's 3 now and the picture of health.

What an awful thing to happen to her. It's so lovely you're being such a nice friend to her. She'll always remember that.

Mombie2021 · 22/09/2021 19:18

Don’t pressure her to eat. She isn’t harming the baby. The stress won’t harm the baby either. And it’s hardly her fault if it did.

Unless you’ve experienced trauma that you don’t understand how one of the effects of that is NO appetite. It’s not a control thing. Your behaviour, however, is a control thing, I suspect.

drpet49 · 22/09/2021 19:40

I hope you don’t ever have anything to do with your best friend anymore. What a disgusting thing to do to someone.

Scirocco · 22/09/2021 19:56

That's an awful thing to happen - I'm so sorry.

Stress and traumatic experiences can cause a person to lose their appetite; different people have different reactions to stress so while some people might comfort eat, other people might not be able to manage much more than some water and crackers.

Don't worry too much about her diet - her appetite will come back and the baby will be getting the nutrients they need from her. As someone already suggested, it might help for her to have simple, easy to eat foods available for when she does feel able to eat.

I think a sensible midwife or doctor would be able to understand the context of her loss of appetite and would offer empathy and support. I'd strongly encourage your friend to reach out for support from them, as she's experiencing a very upsetting event in the middle of her pregnancy and might benefit from some additional input to help her through.

Re: the partner and "friend" - what a pair of b***ds. Shame on them.

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 20:28

@Mombie2021

Don’t pressure her to eat. She isn’t harming the baby. The stress won’t harm the baby either. And it’s hardly her fault if it did.

Unless you’ve experienced trauma that you don’t understand how one of the effects of that is NO appetite. It’s not a control thing. Your behaviour, however, is a control thing, I suspect.

Not sure what you mean there?!? I'm certainly not trying to control her, I'm trying to make sure she is safe and wanted to see if I needed to put pressure on her or if I could leave it. From everyone's advice I can see that it is safeish for her not to eat. I may well have misinterpreted your message there so I'm sorry if I did.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 20:30

@drpet49

I hope you don’t ever have anything to do with your best friend anymore. What a disgusting thing to do to someone.

Oh hell no! She is well and truly out of my life, I'm devastated on so many levels but obviously just concentrating on helping my friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 20:31

Thank you all so much for your kind words and helpful pieces of advice and wisdom.
It's really lovely to hear that despite traumatic events you have had healthy happy babies and it's something tangible that I can pass on to her.
I really appreciate everyone who has reached out to share their story!

OP posts:

Original poster

Paisleypatch · 22/09/2021 20:38

@FWBNC

Tiny nibbles just being there will probably help her to start eating again.

Maybe even small glasses of a nutritious smoothie.

Babies get all the good stuff first, it's the mum that'll feel dreadful

Poor woman, big hugs for her. I hope she has the sense not to take him back.

Let us know if you have a whip around for a hitman! Probably get a 2:1 deal - pair of bastards!!

Hahaha. Thank you so much, that made me laugh. (The bit about the hitman!) I think you are so right about the small amounts of food being around and I will definitely try that very gently. Thank you for your kinds words! Xxx

OP posts:

MushMonster · 22/09/2021 20:46

If she does not improve soon, there are smoothies with plenty of nutrients to help in these circumstances, and the MW may give her some.
Bless her. I hope she feels better soon. What a shock!

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