Scared of losing myself now I'm a mum

[bethabean]

Hi,

I am 22 weeks pregnant and for context, I am early 20s so pretty young for my first baby! I'm not sure whether I've just been hit with a huge reality check, or whether this is perfectly normal during pregnancy. I don't have any pregnant friends or know anyone who is also pregnant at the moment, so struggling to talk about how I feel.

The past few days, I've been what I would describe as anxious and maybe a bit upset about how life is going to change so much with a baby. I have an amazing and supportive fiancé, a good financial situation and a supportive family so all is great there, but I have this huge fear that I will lose my identity to being a mum. I don't want to be mistaken, I am so excited for my baby to get here and I love her already, but I have moments where I look back at my life and wonder if I'll ever have the same fun again. I'm also struggling with my body changing before my eyes and not being in control, which I'm sure a lot of mums also struggle with.

I think all of these thoughts aren't helped by me getting fed up of my pregnancy now. My back is killing everyday and I am always exhausted. It's definitely proven harder than I (naively) thought it would be. I just can't wait for it to be over and get back to being able to move properly, exercise and get back to work etc.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether anyone else has had these thoughts or whether I really underestimated how life would change. Have your lives changed drastically or do you still find time for your hobbies and social life etc.

Hi
Don't worry, it's all very worth it. When you feel up to it baby can be minded while you have a night out.
Your young you're body will bounce back into shape.
Don't panic, if you panic.... you're stressing which isn't good x

So I'm going to be brutally honest with you..... Yes for a little bit you do loose yourself a bit as pretty much your entire focus does go on this tiny baby who can't really tell you what's going on, what they want etc. You will have tough moments, moments when you just cry but then you will also have moments of sheer joy, love and warmth.
Best advice I was given was to be kind to myself and knowing that it's normal for this. Any mum who says they love every single moment, 24/7 is simply lying, it's not real no matter how much Instagram shows it!

You do find time for your hobbies but it's not immediately I was probably around 6 months ish but everyone is different. As for socialising you just do it slightly differently and have lunches rather then dinners or friends come round instead etc. Occasionally you get a baby sitter and have a night out. When you're ready to do this is completely dependent on the mum tbh some are sooner than others there is no right or wrong. I think my first dinner out was when my DS was 4 months. I have had 3 nights properly out out in over 2 years but I'm also not mid 20s and a hangover with a young child isn't worth the pain for me!

Basically take it as it comes you will do great. Your body does come back but again take it slow your not going to be able to go for a run straight away (or even in the first few months) but there is mum and baby pilates classes or mum and baby yoga which is gentle and helps body healing.

It will be about finding what works best for you as a family unit

I know exactly how you're feeling, I'm only 21 and currently 26 weeks with a very much unexpected pregnancy! I have the exact same thoughts on a regular basis, and similarly although I love my baby so much already it is absolutely terrifying! I try to stay rational and think although I may feel like I'm losing my identity during the newborn stage when they are so reliant on us, that will lessen as they get older! For instance if you have family that can mind him for you so you can have a night out every now and again, or a baby sitter. I've been trying to do little things for myself like get my nails done etc and my boyfriend said he will make sure I can continue this when our baby's here. Maybe have a conversation with your fiancé if you say he's supportive about how you're feeling? If you want to talk about anything I'm only a message away chick, especially since we're in very similar situations xx

If you want a really honest answer...yes, you probably will feel like you've lost yourself for a while and yes your life will change fairly drastically. It is impossible to have a baby and just carry on with life as normal. Anyone who says they have is lying! Additionally, the hormones post birth can be brutal and can leave you feeling very strange/low. I only say this as too many people paint a rose tinted picture suggesting it will all be brilliant from the get go. In reality, for many it isn't brilliant to start with. It's exhausting, anxiety provoking, stressful and can be an extremely difficult time. At your age you may feel this more acutely if none of your friends have babies, as they simply won't fully understand, however much they try. Being prepared for this and knowing you're not alone is, I think, helpful. You will have lots of people involved in your care, midwife, health visitor. Make sure you talk to them about how you're feeling and seek help if you need it. The hormones will settle and you will start to feel more like yourself, you will become more confident with looking after your baby and you will be able to start to get back to some of your 'old life', but, it won't be the same, and you will probably find you don't feel the same about it. Hobbies, exercise, work etc are all do-able, but you have to work round the baby and accept it can't always be what you want when you want any more! You will probably find it takes a few months to get back to such things as well.

All of that said, you will have a baby which you will grow to love and cherish, and they will bring you much joy in time. In many ways they will enhance your life and make it better! It is just that for some, at the beginning, it can be hard to see/feel this. Looking after a newborn baby is hard, relentless work. If you are struggling, you aren't alone, and do talk to people. You will be a brilliant mum and your baby will undoubtedly become the light of your life! It just doesn't happen immediately for some people and some struggle to adjust more than others. Seeking help if needed and getting a network of people going through a similar experience who you can chat with can help. NCT classes may be useful for this, and joining baby groups etc once your little one is here. You will get through and find your 'new normal' as a family, just don't expect it to happen at once and be prepared for lots to change, certainly short term at least. Hope this is helpful.

Hi @bethabean I'm 28 and pregnant again! I had my first two at 19 & 21. It really was the best decision I ever made and I only "lost" myself for a couple of years because I had them so close together!

And really it wasn't a life lost because I loved being a Mum to my girls!!

This is my second attempt at having a baby a little later on in life and the pregnancies have ended in no baby and this one is looking a little complicated, you are doing the right thing having them young.

Xxx

Hi OP. When I got pregnant I howled howled about losing myself and my life and my career. I struggled for the first two years and now my career is better than ever, there isn’t as much clubbing or jet set holidays but I still see my friends and laugh my ass off and there is more dancing in my future, my career has changed but having limited time made me very focussed and efficient. There is a lot of bullshit admin but there would be without children. Congratulations. It might be hard to begin with but it will all get there and you’ll still be glorious you, just with an exciting little person along for the adventure.

Echoing previous poster, I still feel like exactly the same person as I did before children. I still do the same hobbies and fun stuff with the same friends, just not as often of course. There are loads of ways that having children limits your freedoms and brings drudgery to your life but also a lot of love and fun as well of course, and as long as you make sure you get regular time off (very important) you won't lose yourself. And do NOT feel guilty about wanting, arranging and relishing child-free time!! Being a good mother does not require losing your identity or wanting to be with your children all the time. A happy mother makes for a happy child, and vice versa. Good luck