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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and my boyfriend is not happy :(

15 replies

RussianD0ll · 19/09/2021 18:00

I (28) found out a week ago I was 5 weeks pregnant, it’s unplanned but we have spoken about having children together previously, so I thought things might be ok.

When I told my boyfriend he was instantly unhappy, and since last week has been very withdrawn, moody and has been quite unkind to me.

He says it’s not the right time, which is fair enough because I’m halfway through the process of buying my first home which is only a one bedroom house, but I don’t really know what to do about it.

The unkindness is… not excusable though I think. He’s called me manipulative (even though this was an absolute surprise, and it takes two to tango but it feels like it’s my “fault”). I am not getting any support and I haven’t told anyone else yet. I feel really isolated and alone. He says he’s in shock and that’s why he’s being snappy and frustrated.

To add an extra layer of complexity, I have autoimmune conditions which I thought would make it very difficult to get pregnant, but here I am. It’s very scary, and I have doubts, but also feel like this could be such a blessing, and my chance to have a baby. It’s early days but still.

Will he come around? Should I consider my options so we can try again at a better time? Or just do it on my own in my little house? I’m freaking out!

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 19/09/2021 18:15

Whether you decide to keep the baby or not, I'd get rid of the boyfriend.

Would you want to be tied to him as a co-parent forever?
Can you afford to pay mortgage and childcare if working?

ChurchWCat · 19/09/2021 18:16

What were you both doing about contraception?

Pemmican · 19/09/2021 18:18

Well he's a bit of a prat then isn't he?

Tell him this is what you have to expect if you ejaculate into a woman of child bearing age.

Mintjulia · 19/09/2021 18:22

OK, so this is a shock to you both, and you both need time to think about it.

Having said that, you both had sex, you both had the option to use contraceptives and you are both equally responsible. So squash any suggestion of one sided blame straight away.

You need to decide whether a baby is right at this time, for you as an individual. Your body, your choice always. And then consider if you would want to go ahead as a single mum?

Your dp may come around, he may not, but be aware, if he persuades you into a termination that you really don't want, the resentment will always be there and the relationship will be over anyway.

I hope you agree on a route forward together. But think long and hard about what you want. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

EllieRosesMammy · 19/09/2021 18:29

I had exactly the same issue with the father of my first child. When we found out I was pregnant he was awful, it was all woe-is-me and he was utterly miserable about it for months, eventhough neither of us were using contraception so honestly what did he expect 🤦‍♀️ the only way I can justify his behaviour back then is by remembering we were only 21. At 28 I'd expect a man to take a bit more responsibility than what it sounds like your boyfriend has.

I can say, however, that by the middle of my pregnancy my daughters father really turned a corner and actually started to get excited about our baby. And now she's almost 4 and he's one of the best dad's ever. We are separated however, and whilst he apologised for his behaviour during my pregnancy it's still something that stuck with me.
Luckily we have remained friends though and are both now in new, happy relationships.

I'm not saying your situation will be exactly the same but think about this; if you do what he wants and have an abortion you'll end up resenting him. If you keep the baby he might come around to the idea, or he might leave, either ways don't do something you might regret just to keep him happy xx

3amgoogle · 19/09/2021 18:31

He's being a knob and is definitely showing you that he's unlikely to be a fabulous person to co-parent with.

That said, had you told him that you're unable to have children, and based on this he's chosen not to use contraception? That doesn't excuse his behaviour but might add some context.

Original poster

RussianD0ll · 19/09/2021 18:35

@3amgoogle

He's being a knob and is definitely showing you that he's unlikely to be a fabulous person to co-parent with.

That said, had you told him that you're unable to have children, and based on this he's chosen not to use contraception? That doesn't excuse his behaviour but might add some context.

We’d talked about how getting pregnant might be difficult, and because of that we might need to plan our lives a bit, but I definitely didn’t say I couldn’t have children. We weren’t using contraception other than naturally tracking my cycle, and we both understand that obviously this wasn’t a foolproof method!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 19/09/2021 18:37

If neither of you were using contraception he can fuck off calling you manipulative.

I'd end things with him. He's an asshat.

Tell him the next time he meets someone to take a bit of responsibility.

SaraKitty · 19/09/2021 19:14

Hi there. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My mum had the same issue , she wanted to get rid of me as she had no support from the father but she couldn’t at the time and when I was born she wanted to put me up for adoption . My grandparents stepped in and minded me until my mum could afford to have me live with her etc. Just wanted to share my story . It sounds like you want to have the baby and even if your boyfriend doesn’t come around if too have strong family support you can do it. Did he suggest termination ? He might just need a few weeks to come around.

3amgoogle · 19/09/2021 19:19

We weren’t using contraception other than naturally tracking my cycle, and we both understand that obviously this wasn’t a foolproof method!

What a wanker. That he could turn thst into you being 'manipulative' says so much.

for you OP

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/09/2021 19:23

If he has sex without protection he is as much to blame.

If he didn’t want children at this point in time then he is also an idiot for not using protection.

He can sulk and name call all he likes. Ultimately OP the choice is now yours.

You do what will make you happy. If he wants to come along for the ride then he needs to wise up and grow up.

If you are happy to go it alone?

Best wishes and good luck to you

SweetPeaGirl · 19/09/2021 19:40

Hi OP, I am 7 weeks pregnant and not with the father of my baby. He started out angry and putting pressure on me to abort, and I held firm because I want my baby. He went from angry to sad but accepting, and now he's not quite excited but definitely visualising being a dad and is being positive about it. It's been a big change in 2.5 weeks.

I basically made my decision based on what I wanted and my circumstances, and gave him space to sort his own head out. I won't excuse his bad behaviour at the start, but I'm not holding it against him either.

I would suggest deciding what YOU want, separate from the relationship, and then leaving him to his personal crisis. He might come around and he might not, but it's not your responsibility to soothe him or just do what he wants.

Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 23:43

Isn't it funny how these men only start feeling strongly about pregnancy after the fact

He's an adult, and chose not to wear a condom. He has to take personal responsibility if he did not want sex to end in pregnancy.

Guineapigbridge · 19/09/2021 23:46

It's not an accidental pregnancy if you weren't using contraception

mobear · 20/09/2021 00:01

You are only in control of what you do so I think you have to decide if you can and want to have and raise this child alone. If DP, or ex-DP, gets on board then it’s a bonus, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a given.

I went through a similar situation, but I knew I wanted to keep DC whether or not I had DP’s support. (His immediate reaction was to announce he was leaving me, but we got through it and he’s a brilliant father to DC).

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