38 weeks and honestly still don't really 'want' this baby

[LifesNotDoneYet]

I am really sorry if this upsets anyone that's not my intention. I fully understand how difficult it can be to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

This is my 3rd DC, other two are nearly 6 and nearly 4. It was a total, utter shock to become pregnant.

Early on, I carefully considered a termination but eventually decided against it. I think I thought I'd 'come round' to the idea of another baby and that by this stage I'd be excited and happy like I was with the other two.

I'm really, really not. I've had periods of feeling neutral about the baby coming but now I am just dreading. I can't think of anything good about it? Surgery, wrecked body and sleep, stress, crying, breastfeeding, and the crushing, overwhelming responsibility for another small human that I have to introduce to this utter shithole of a world. I'm just about coping with 2 children and pregnancy and I'm at my limit. I just don't want to fucking DO IT.

I'm obviously feeling wretched at this - guilty and sad at how awful I am but trying to put on a brave face for everyone.

I don't actively want something bad to happen to the baby, it's a defenceless innocent little creature, but if I woke up tomorrow and this had all been some surreal nightmare I would cry with happiness.

God, what an absolute arsehole I am! Do I just need a grip handed to me? Probably.

I’m sorry you feel this way.

I think you need to speak to your midwife and get referred to the mental health team for support.

Thanks Anon. I should have said, I have been in contact with the perinatal mental health team and whilst they have been great, all the midwifery input has been excellent, it just doesn't change how I feel. I don't think it's a mental health thing, it's just a bad decision and selfish mother thing.

It think it was a massive mistake to get pregnant (that was a complete fluke) and to continue it (that was a decision) and now it's the rest of my life with 3 children depending on me. What an absolute idiot.

@LifesNotDoneYet I think you are saying what many feel but are scared to say, I don’t judge you for it at all. Especially when the pregnancy came as a shock to you.

I also understand what you mean about this nasty world and bringing another innocent life into it. The whole concepts overwhelming isn’t it.

I really hope when this little baby is born you’re overcome with so much joy that these negative feelings will surpass. However, there is no shame in how you feel and just try and take a day at a time now. I wish you well x

I felt a bit ambivalent about my third for complicated reasons. She is now 3 months old and I could not imagine life without her. It is possible that your feelings will change.

I think your feelings are completely valid, but you have just described the negatives.

Please remember the positives - the wonder of watching them develop, the warm fuzzy feeling when seeing your other children with the new baby. Pride when celebrating their achievements - however small.

As someone who's children are all grown up now - I really do remember all the bad bits. But when I look at the adult children I have now, it is wonderful and I'm proud of them. It is so worth it.

How about thinking of ways you can make the transition easier? E.g. if breastfeeding fills you with dread then use formula. Can babies dad take extra time off to support you?

I felt like you up to and including the drive into hospital to have my DD. The feelings vanished the moment she came out and I really hope the same happens to you. Menral health in pregnancy is so difficult to manage at the best of times, so be gentle on yourself and seek help if you struggle after birth.

@THATmamaofMANY Good point, do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself x

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this op. I can only tell you my experience. I too was unexpectedly pregnant with third, and my first two were only 2+3 at the time, although they would be 3+4 by the time baby was born. I cried and stressed through my whole pregnancy, I really didn't know how I'd cope or what my life would become. I didn't really feel excited or that I had a bond with my unborn child. Even the day before I gave birth I was washing some clothes for her and I remember clearly thinking I could just give her away when she was born.
She was born the day after and the second I laid eyes on her I had this crazy intense love! I don't know what happened, it didn't even feel that instant with my first two. All the worry and stress and awful feelings I had were gone, and I actually couldn't believe I hadn't known I'd needed her.
I hope this is the case for you op, pregnancy is hard and it can feel overwhelming.

You are categorically NOT an arsehole.

I wonder if part of your feelings could be did to general pandemic burnout? A lot of people (me included) are feeling pretty depleted atm. Even if you got off relatively lightly (and I bet that with two young DC, you didn't) it's still going to have taken a toll.

Could you make two lists - worries that are within your control to some extent, and worries that aren't? Then focus on practical things you can do to alleviate the ones that are in your control. If that sounds like patronising wank, I apologise...

That must be very difficult OP; I hope things improve for you soon.
All the best xx

Good post @JesusInTheCabbageVan

Do you know what. It's because you know what's coming and how hard it's going to be.

I really hope that once baby is here you feel different. Maybe once ur past the newborn stage and you start getting more sleep, smiles and baby giggles etc.

You never know u might get a really chilled out baby that sleeps well 🤞🏻 and just slots in to ur life quite easily.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan Really good idea x

Sorry you're feeling this way. I guess there's no way of sugar coating that it's bloody hard work and so no wonder you feel the way you do.

I guess all you can do at this stage is just do the best you can (which I'm sure you will) and remember there will be plenty of lovely times coming your way too.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL about your feelings, husband/family? I feel really bad for you OP, be kind to yourself

Thank you all. I really appreciate your kindness and sharing your experiences and ideas.

I don't feel like myself at all - if you'd told me a year, 5 years or 10 years ago I'd be about to have another baby and I'd feel this way I'd never, ever have believed you. I've always been one of those annoying 'all babies are a gift' type people but I've definitely learned from this and had my eyes opened to the many different circumstances and experiences that accompany each individual pregnancy.

I will try to focus on what I can control and what I can do to make my life easier. I'm enormously privileged with my family and help etc so will just try to lean on others for a bit until the baby and I connect and I get into the groove of it.

Thanks again - I'm feeling better having managed to write some of it down. My DH is lovely but he is like an excited puppy or something, he just can't wait for snuggles and tiny fingers wrapped round his etc so I don't want to rain on his parade too much. He's taken nearly 8 weeks off so I'll put him to work as much as possible in the next few weeks!

You're absolutely not an arsehole at all
I was in the middle of contractions with DD and all I could think of was what the fuck have I got myself in to, I was dreading all of it. Then I set my eyes on her and was in love straightaway

I hope when you're over the horrible newborn stage things get easier for you. And if they don't, please speak to your GP/midwife/HV

Hoping you have an easy delivery, to the most chilled baby possible xxx

I was in a similar position to you. Suprise pregnancy with a 4 and 6 year old which I chose to keep (decision rather than foregone conclusion!). I pretty much ignored my pregnancy and pretended it wasn't happening and planned a very short mat leave so I could just get back to normal. I felt like an idiot. However for me it all changed when baby was born (I was still at work, had him one evening!)- I loved him instantly and somehow just got back into the swing of things without missing a beat. I was much easier than I had anticipated. Ok it's a bit of a pain being outnumbered sometimes, the few offers of babysitting have completely dried up, and we probably need to move house in the long run. But I actually love having 3, wouldn't change it for the world. I've heard the same from other (unexpected) mum's of 3 too.

That's brilliant OP. Having a DH with energy reserves makes all the difference - I exploited mine ruthlessly for the first two years few months

You are absolutely not an arsehole! Im also pregnant with my third (32 weeks) and it was a complete surprise. My DP never wanted children but happened to meet me and DS1!

When I fell pregnant with my second I was so excited, I couldn't wait for DS1 to be a big brother, I couldn't wait to see DP as a dad etc etc.

I fell pregnant completely by accident with my third and I was absolutely horrified. I felt like our family was already complete and I didn't want that dynamic 'ruined'. I couldn't bring myself to even tell DP that I was pregnant again because I was so sure that I wanted a termination. I think I spent the first 4 months sobbing everyday at the thought of having another child.

I got the support I needed (sounds like you are too!) then one day something just clicked into place for me. You're further along than me, but I'm hoping this will happen for you too. It might be tomorrow, it might be when the baby is born but I'm sure it will happen.

The way you're feeling is totally valid, and it's ok to admit that. Maybe prepare a few ways that you can make your life easier when baby gets here, like batch cooking some meals for the freezer etc? Anything for an easy life when you have a new born. It's so much easier telling strangers on the internet how you feel, but I do recommend speaking to your DH about it. Sending lots of love to you

You're not an arsehole.

Just another one to say, you are not an arsehole. It’s very brave to acknowledge how you’re feeling, and to write it down. You sound like you have a very good support structure around you. Absolutely don’t feel bad about taking full advantage of the help around you. I hope you feel better soon.

I think an unplanned pregnancy is a lot harder to wrap your head around than a planned one.

I've had 2 planned kids, only usual anxiety.

This one - omg what a head fuck as completely unplanned!! My kids are far older but in some ways to me, that's worse, as i was nearly at the finish line!!!!! Now nappies and potty training and toddler tantrums.

I'm NOT a mumsy earth mum AT ALL. HATE toddler years. Give me a 5 year old who can walk, talk, dress themselves and feed themselves any day over a toddler or screaming baby 😊

However i remember the day my 2nd was born and the overwhelming love i felt for them - not for the first as i was just shell shocked from labour haha - and i know it will be okay.

However every day i do have thoughts like you, but i talk them out fully with dh and best friend as when i was bottling them up it made everything worse.

You'll be fine!! 💜

I wonder if the excited like a puppy DH is actually making you feel resentment and hurt that he isn’t listening to how you feel?