How do you know when you’re ready for a second?

[Mamacita191]

Hi all!

I have a DS whose 19 months old, and think I’m ready to try for baby number 2. For those who are now pregnant with their second/have already been there, how did you know you were ready?

I’m worrying about finances, terrible 2s and dealing with that plus a newborn 😫 I feel like it’s going to be so expensive as I’m going to want to keep my son in nursery as well.

Yeah so my question is how do you know you’re ready? How is it affordable? How do you deal with a toddler plus a newborn with routine too?

Thank you x

I think, similar to when we decided to have our first baby, there's never really a perfect time and I just thought let's go for it and see what happens. Initially, the main factor in my decision was I wanted at least a 2.5 year age gap. Also, I wasn't considering it until my DC started sleeping through the night which luckily happened at 18 months. I know that may not last but he is now 2 and he doesn't really have tantrums and is a joy mostly which probably all helped make the decision easier! (I'm currently pregnant and we started trying and got pregnant when he was 21 months so will have slightly under 2.5 years age gap).

Money wise- he isn't in nursery so childcare costs aren't an issue for us at the moment.

All that being said, I am still scared of how I will cope with a toddler and newborn but I knew I didn't want DC to be an only child so will just have to cope!

Really pragmatic but we knew we wanted a smallish age gap and then I found out I was likely to be made redundant so would have had to have got settled in a new job, worked long enough to qualify for maternity pay, etc, so decided to get on with TTC. Probably only brought it forward 6 months to what we would have if I'd stayed in my job (so that DD would have been getting some funded hours at nursery) but i think it will work out ok. It's been nice not having work to worry about in third trimester or during leave.

As for toddler, she is in nursery for now although we having a bit of a blip with it anyway and she's only going for her benefit/social life so if that doesn't improve or if finances gets really tight we will take her out and then put her back in once she gets her funded hours, which will potentially coincide with my return to work. I'm afraid I'm planning to get the baby to fit around the toddle routine where possible as baby doesn't know any different but toddler definitely would and would have plenty to say about it 😂

@Lsjdjfjdh that sounds lovely and so ideal for you! My LO has slept through the night since 4 months old. He now sleeps 7-7 and has done since around 10 months old so the sleep thing is fine! My LO is a terror atm! So grumpy, constantly moaning and screaming randomly.. it’s so challenging! It’s this behaviour I think how will I manage with a newborn? I’m kinda hoping that he would have stopped this behaviour after 2. But then he may not.

You’re lucky your little one is a delight! Did he have tantrums or moaning phases? (My LO’s challenging behaviour has gone on a few months now)

I'm having the same thoughts currently. My daughter is 27 months and is bloody hard work at the moment the tantrums are crazy but I don't think I want too much more of an age gap!

@8dpwoah that’s what I’m thinking! A second baby would surely fit into first child’s routine?

The whole thought scares me!

I worry about taking my LO out of nursery as I know he loves it there so much so would definitely do everything I could to keep him there

@Mamacita191 of course he's not an angel and is still a toddler so does have his movements (In fact today screamed for half hour because I asked him to wash his hands 🤦) I'm blaming teething! But that is unusual for him and he's only ever done that sort of thing a handful of times. Of course that may change and I'll worry even more about coping 🤣
That's amazing about your ones sleep. Mine woke every night multiple times until 18 months and I knew I wouldn't cope well if I was waking for him and a newborn but luckily he does sleep well now.
Is there a particular minimum age gap you want? Initially I wanted 3 years but then got impatient and thought it could take a while anyway (it didn't!)

[quote Lsjdjfjdh]@Mamacita191 of course he's not an angel and is still a toddler so does have his movements (In fact today screamed for half hour because I asked him to wash his hands 🤦) I'm blaming teething! But that is unusual for him and he's only ever done that sort of thing a handful of times. Of course that may change and I'll worry even more about coping 🤣
That's amazing about your ones sleep. Mine woke every night multiple times until 18 months and I knew I wouldn't cope well if I was waking for him and a newborn but luckily he does sleep well now.
Is there a particular minimum age gap you want? Initially I wanted 3 years but then got impatient and thought it could take a while anyway (it didn't!)[/quote]
No more than 3 year max, ideally around 2.5 Years. So if I got pregnant say next month, it would make a 2 year and 4 month gap I think.

Aww that’s so good though that he’s only like that a handful of times! We have screaming on a daily basis- it’s how he communicates too! I don’t even know why, he’s not exposed to it either.

@Mamacita191 is he much of a talker yet? I don't know if it makes a difference, but mine has been a talker from an early age so can easily ask for what he wants/needs which I think helps keep him calm.

I feel like it’s going to be so expensive as I’m going to want to keep my son in nursery as well.

you must know whether it's going to be expensive or not surely based on how much you already pay??

To be honest you don't know how long it will take so as long as you can afford it I wouldn't put a timescale on it

@twinningatlife

I feel like it’s going to be so expensive as I’m going to want to keep my son in nursery as well.

you must know whether it's going to be expensive or not surely based on how much you already pay??

To be honest you don't know how long it will take so as long as you can afford it I wouldn't put a timescale on it

I haven’t sat down and calculated it to the tee but I have a rough guess. And I meant expensive with that as well as other stuff and being on maternity pay which is obviously not a full salary

I waited for 23YEARS to have my second.😂😂

[quote Lsjdjfjdh]@Mamacita191 is he much of a talker yet? I don't know if it makes a difference, but mine has been a talker from an early age so can easily ask for what he wants/needs which I think helps keep him calm.[/quote]
Yes I agree, DD is a good talker too and although it can be hard sometimes she is able to say pretty much what she thinks or needs so I'm hoping that will help. At least when she's having a tantrum I'm pretty clear on what's set her off anyway 😂
She will be 2 years 3 months or thereabouts when sibling arrives so I'm hoping by the time the baby goes into that needing lots of entertainment age bracket (as opposed to feed/poo/sleep cycles) DD will be coming up 3 and potentially quite good at understanding and 'helping'. I was going to try to potty train beforehand but she hasn't shown much interest and in some ways at least I know where I am with a nappy, it can almost always wait 5 mins but with a toilet request, not so much!

Covid made me realised how much I wanted it as it hurt my heart seeing my son by himself!
We will have a 4 year age gap end of the year.

Plus for us: we get to enjoy the baby stage as my son is toilet trained, and is able to help out a lot. He can communicate really well which I think will help us when we have a baby to care for
He also has funded hours at preschool so he has his own routine and something to help tax his brain. I personally could not have coped with 2 under 3 or 2 but that’s just me. I have friends who love having 2 under 2 or 3!
I did worry that we would have a larger age gap and I worry sometimes about how things could be in the future with day, a 4+8 year old but we’ll figure it out!

Everyone’s situation is different. I work FT and will continue to (family business) so maternity isn’t an option for me so that didn’t effect our decision.

[quote Lsjdjfjdh]@Mamacita191 is he much of a talker yet? I don't know if it makes a difference, but mine has been a talker from an early age so can easily ask for what he wants/needs which I think helps keep him calm.[/quote]
He says a few words but cannot communicate what he wants well. If he wants something he points and screams or moans for it before we even get a chance :/

@ParkheadParadise oh wow! 😂 love it

@8dpwoah how old is your LO? Mine is 19 months and has roughly 20 words but not really any 2 word phrases. I’m hoping once he communicates better the screaming stops and I’ll feel better about having a second

@tuxedocat Im the same. Would love my ds to have a sibling.
Sometimes that’s the benefit when they’re slightly older that they can actually help out!

Mines 28 months and im exhausted all the time, I'm not sure I could physically and mentally deal with a second in the toddler years hes so energetic 🙈. I work full time at the minute and would seriously have to consider reducing my hours if I were to have another. Probably going to go for a 4 year gap so my DS will have started school and ill have more time with a newborn.

I couldn’t do it until my first is in school ! I can’t afford 2 nursery places so it’s as simple as that really for me

I love our 2.5 year age gap. First couple of years were hard but now they're best friends (7 and 4) and get up together, make breakfast together and play or read for ages while I get a lie in on weekends.👌

'The days are long but the years are short' was my mantra for the first few years though.

14 years and 1 week exact age gap for me 🙈, I did want a bigger age gap so I could have plenty of time to spend with DS1, I was 20 with him, I always wanted 2 but it wasn't until he hit 13 when I just felt ready and really wanted to make my little family complete, just felt the right time, pretty random I know 😂, I'm now 34 and my DS2 is 3 months old, happy and healthy, I wouldn't of changed the age gap I've got, but everyone is different, when the times right, go for it!!! 😁

I knew I didn't want two under 2, but I also know I have fertility issues.

My plan was to start trying a couple of months before DC1 turned 2 to guarantee a decent gap even if a miracle happened and I fell quickly.

As it was, the broodiness well and truly kicked in when DC1 turned 17 months, so we started TTC then. As it is, I fell pregnant around about the time that would have been 'the miracle' if we had started trying when we had originally planned. DC2 is due late March when DC1 will be 2 and a half.

@Mamacita191 she's two and a couple of months... She can do short sentences that kind of make sense now, I don't know why she's grasped talking so well already as we haven't done anything special but she did just wake up one day going from two word phrases to making some sort of proper sense.

It has its downsides as when she's having a tantrum 'mummy's being naughty/bossy/mean' isn't really what you want to hear 😂

I've got a 5 month old and a 26 month old. Terrible 2s have well and truly hit. The last few weeks have been extremely hard work.

Hmmm this is making me panic a bit. I'm pregnant with DD2, due when DD1 is 14 months exactly. I always wanted them close together (there's big gaps between me and my siblings which I reacted against), and that they are the same sex makes me hope they will be really close.
But I am starting to worry about how I'll cope. I didn't sit down sensibly and do money stuff. I just thought somehow I'll manage and a baby is always worth it - that's just me really! I don't regret it (yet!), but just starting to worry a bit about the first year or two, although I tell myself after that it will be much much easier with them being so close, hopefully in more ways than one.

We have/will have a small ish gap, 15m between the two boys, we knew we wanted two children and after experiencing newborn life we decided not to wait too long and have to go back to sleepless nights and 15 nappies a day😂.

I’m overdue now and I’m not going to lie, it’s HARD being pregnant with a toddler. He’s like a whirlwind.

We’re keeping him in nursery too, just shorter days so when I was working we paid for 8-6 (never actually went that long though) but now we’re moving over to 9-3 so we get the best of both worlds.