Hey Gemtubbs, don't worry. I was in complete denial when I was pregnant with my first. I hated talking about the pregnancy, I refused to buy baby things or even discuss it. Even when I was in labour I denied the pregnancy. I got very very depressed and had thoughts of self-harm because I thought I was some evil and wicked person who didn't deserve to be a mother. I couldn't believe I could feel so hostile to an unborn baby - my unborn baby!
I wasn't diagnosed with ante-natal depression until I was 8 months gone and admitted to hospital after threatening to cut the baby out. I'd kept so much inside me that it had all finally burst over.
You're not that bad. You are making yourself eat for the sake of the baby, so you are aware that there is a baby in there and somewhere in the back of your mind there is concern for it, otherwise you would just say "fuck it" and starve yourself wouldn't you?
You need to speak to your midwife about how you are feeling. With the publicity and research into ante-natal depression now, most midwives will be aware of it. In fact in Scotland they give out questionnaires to expectant mothers to test for the depression, just as they do over here after the baby is born.
Can I ask if you suffered from pmt? Depression whilst on the pill? Because with me it was very much a hormonal imbalance as well as circumstances. After the baby was born I was treated with progesterone injections daily for a week and then I took it in pill form. I didn't go on to get pnd. I also had ante-natal depression with my second, but I was more prepared that time round and sought help much much earlier.
Once you talk to someone about it, you'll feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. At the moment you just feel like such a bad person to have these thoughts and feelings, and guilt stops you from confiding in anyone else. But trust me, lots of women are in the same boat. In fact there was an ante-natal depression help thread on Mumsnet not so long ago. So don't be so hard on yourself, you are struggling with so much and you shouldn't have to do that alone. Pregnancy is very scary and you can feel so very isolated and out of your depth. So talking to someone who has been there can make all the difference. Visit the pregnancy topics on Mumsnet and chat to some of those expectant mums, I'll bet you'll soon find yourself lots of others feeling just the same.
So do talk to your midwife or GP and admit your feelings to your partner/family too so that they can help. There's no shame in asking for help and they'll be pleased you confided in them. Take care. x