Should I get a perinatal anxiety referral?

[Lozzak21]

Don't really know where to start but guess I am just looking for some advice about whether I should go for a perinatal/post natal anxiety referall and to hear from anyone who done this themselves and if it has helped them at all.

A bit of background in took a number of years and a few rounds of ivf to conceive my firstborn. I think I was slightly traumatised by this experience - they were born at the height of the pandemic last year which was a difficult experience. I then fell pregnant unexpectedly when they were 11 months and am expecting my second shortly.

I had terrible anxiety the first year in terms of my babies health, catching covid etc and only just started to relax when I fell pregnant again and now I feel I'm back to square one. Everyday I have a different fear. Some examples this week alone - inhaling burnt food left in oven overnight by accident, concrete dust from construction work in my garden, germs from disposing of a dead rat found in my garden left by next doors cat. Same cat also pooed in our front garden so after seeing the rat, fears of toxoplasmosis. Partner not washing hands properly when handling raw meat. In my head these are all relatively valid concerns in pregnancy but my partner keeps calling me 'mad' and has stormed out today and not contacted me all day.

All I want is for someone to say 'I can see you're struggling let's try and get you some help' :(

I feel like the pandemic has really impacted on me and my outlook on life. I used to be so sociable and tactile with friends and family but now I barely do anything or see anyone and won't let my baby mingle with other babies or go to groups for fear of catching covid in third trimester, or hand foot and mouth, chickenpox or any other nasty doing the rounds at the moment.

I'm just looking for some support.

Thanks for getting this far ❤️

I think the anxieties you've stated seem pretty reasonable to be fair. Nothing there seems extreme..I think we have all worried more since covid. Was it your partner's comment that made you feel bad about this?

@theworldishard perhaps. Don't get me wrong I am struggling with worries around the things I've stated too but I feel like my partners reaction to them has impacted them and made it worse. I am reluctant to go for a mental health referral because I have never suffered before so feel a lot of it is circumstancial/situational. I get the impression my partner doesn't think I should worry about anything but I find it so hard. I guess that's where I'm struggling. I can't determine if this is all normal or I am in fact loosing my marbles as he suggests..

[quote Lozzak21]@theworldishard perhaps. Don't get me wrong I am struggling with worries around the things I've stated too but I feel like my partners reaction to them has impacted them and made it worse. I am reluctant to go for a mental health referral because I have never suffered before so feel a lot of it is circumstancial/situational. I get the impression my partner doesn't think I should worry about anything but I find it so hard. I guess that's where I'm struggling. I can't determine if this is all normal or I am in fact loosing my marbles as he suggests..[/quote]
He has made it worse as it's made you feel bad for worrying and feeling anxious.
You may not need the perinatal mental health team, as they tend to be for severe issues, but the wellbeing team or your GP may be able to support you initially. Tell them what you've written here. They can help you decide whether to seek extra support or not.

It does sound like you are really struggling I'm sorry your partner isn't more supportive.

Most areas have a self referral service for mental health, try there first. Also contact local organisations for PND/PNA as most usually offer antenatal support too. There's also national support organisations like PANDAS and Mind who will be able to point you in the direction of support.

Have you discussed it with your midwife and/or health visitor?

*mental health services

I would mention this to your midwife (or GP) and see if they think you need more help.
I had a baby during lockdown last year too, like you I pretty much shielded and petrified of getting COVID and putting baby at risk. I barely saw anyone and started to try past few months and realised how bad my anxiety and COVID fear is, I can't function normally it's really impacted me. Feel guilty I've never been to baby groups etc

I went to GP who referred me for CBT and also put me on Sertraline, it has really helped me be less worried about things and coping a lot better than I was. Not sure if you will want to go on meds yet but therapy will help

@FusciasBright21thanks. My midwife just said to do a self referral online if I'm feeling v anxious. Thing is I know what's causing it and why I am this way, so struggling to see if it will be worthwhile. I hate to admit but I feel like it will mean I've failed when I love and enjoy my baby more then life itself. Ideally I just want all my worries around my developing baby and ds getting sick to go away so I can enjoy this precious time - will mental health intervention help with this? I just don't know if it's hormones or something more serious but I will look into those resources suggested

@Peppermint81thank you. Appreciate your msg, really helps me feel less alone! So glad to hear those things have worked for you.

No harm in filling out the self referral. Hopefully something like CBT will give you some tools/techniques to use when you recognise that you are getting caught in a spiral of anxious thoughts. It does require a fair bit of work from you, and it doesn't work for everyone, bit it can be a really effective therapy. New parents and pregnant women have been under a huge amount of psychological strain during the pandemic, and lots of people are needing a bit of extra support at the moment.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you get the right support so you can start to relax into it.

@MaudebeGonne this makes me feel very heard and understood. Thank you. I think I will fill it out tmrw ❤️

Ideally I just want all my worries around my developing baby and ds getting sick to go away so I can enjoy this precious time - will mental health intervention help with this?

Yes! It may be something like CBT gives you some resources/tools to be able to cope with your anxieties and then hopefully they will reduce. Definitely worth seeing your GP to see if medication may help too?

If talking therapy and/or medication doesn't work then push for PMH referral but in my experience they have a high threshold.

Oh sweetheart, I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I’ve always struggled with worries that can, if unchecked, spiral - there are times I’ll phone my mum to say ‘I’ve eaten this and it’s out of date today and I ate it after midnight but it’ll be ok won’t it’ - because I know it’s likely fine but I really need the reassurance. Most of the time I can keep it in check but I few years back I let the worry really get on top of me - it’s not that they’re necessarily not reasonable things to worry about, but that the level of preoccupation and concern is unnecessary and painful. The most painful thing for me is that my partner cannot get it, he has struggled to understand and can be quite dismissive instead of giving me the reassurance (or even just the cuddle) I feel I need, and that’s been incredibly hard for us both to deal with (it’s slowly improving, but not if I catch him in the wrong mood when he can just seem annoyed). So, my heart goes out to you. I self referred for CBT a few years ago and it did help me to process and compartmentalise the thoughts, and to be strict with myself on how long I spent on them and if I googled things I was worried about. I’d recommend trying. Lots of love x

My advice would be, always seek help, especially during pregnancy. Even if it just feeling heard, there is merit in that and they can be wonderful for helping to write birth plans too.

To set expectations, you may be looking at a long wait so it’s worthwhile referring yourself as soon as you can xx

@Pleasedontworry thank you so much ❤️. I could of written this myself! So glad to hear cbt worked for you, it's really encouraging to hear and giving me reassurance that it might be the right step for me. Your partner sounds a lot like mine, I know I haven't painted him in the best light but he actually is a really great person but on this front we clash so much and it hurts and is upsetting, especially when I don't have much outside support. Thank you again ❤️❤️

My friend had her first baby in January after years of trying. She experienced many of the same worries that you’ve described OP and was referred for some counseling by her midwife. After just a couple of sessions she is already starting to feel better and says it has helped her to take a ‘more balanced view’. She was extremely down and anxious and this was robbing her of the pleasure she should have been having from the baby she waited so long for and thought she may never have. I really hope you get the help you need x

It's so sad that you are feeling this way and I really hope you can find support to help you feel less anxious.
It's sadly pretty common, judging by posters on here (and my own experience of it.)
There seems to be so little pregnancy specific advice/ help out there. Of course things like CBT and reframing our thoughts can help, but there is no recognition of the fact that being pregnant is different from many situations because it is only for a pre determined amount of time.
If you can afford it you could try an online counseller- or face:face.

Sometimes we just need someone to acknowledge our thoughts and help to rationalise them rather than have them dismissed.

I'm a cbt therapist and can see that you'd massively benefit from a course of cbt for your anxiety. You should be prioritised as your pregnant so should get see quite quickly if you go to your nhs local iapt service (iapt is just short for increasing access to psychological therapies) there's a service in each area across the whole country. Your midwife should be able to point you in the right direction, good luck xx

@DiamondSnow

Sometimes we just need someone to acknowledge our thoughts and help to rationalise them rather than have them dismissed.

Yes to this!!! 👆

Thank you so much, believe it or not your sympathetic msg has helped me feel a bit better.

@sarahc336 that's helpful. Thank you 😊

@Lozzak21 - that’s exactly what I thought when I read your message, that I could have written it (I said as much to my partner, and told him it sounded just like how I feel when he doesn’t get my worries). I also know what you mean about your partner, mine is great too in so many ways; he just doesn’t understand this particular thing - it has been a long time and I’m still trying to chip away and get him to get it fully, but ultimately we are different people and it’s hard to fully understand someone’s mindset, even if we want to and are sympathetic - that doesn’t make someone a bad person or a bad partner.

And if you need to hear it: all the things you mentioned are valid things to be concerned by, or grossed out by, or try to avoid - you’re not mad, you just need to learn a way you can weigh it up reasonably in your mind, and there’s no shame in that. The reality is also that the strong likelihood is none of those things will cause you an issue.

Having had extensive support from perinatal mental health people myself, for post natal anxiety, I can see there's something you really need to understand.
I used to say to therapists things like "is this worry valid?"
They used to say to me, it isn't about whether your thoughts are valid or justified or whatever.
This is a really important thing to get your head around.
The only thing that matters is whether you want to have these worries or thoughts. Do they cause you more distress than you want? If you want them to stop, then you need to do something about them and get support for that.
Best of luck xx

You are not alone in this @Lozzak21. I have felt very similarly to you throughout my pregnancy. I knew exactly what triggered it, and like PP have said, understood it was common to worry about baby's health & other aspects of pregnancy.

But what made me decide to ask my MW for perinatal mental health input was that whilst the nature of the worries may be common, the frequency of those thoughts and, more importantly, the impact on my wellbeing and daily life was significant. I was just loosing my sense of self and really struggling to enjoy anything about the pregancy or life generally.

Honestly asking for that referral was the best thing i did. I've had 1:1 support from a mental health midwife who has helped me with lots of practical things (like helping decide a birth plan, arranging for me to see a consultant, accessing local women's mental health services). She has also written a 'wellbeing plan' for my birth so that anyone who supports me can understand my background & anxieties to help me manage these. I also self referred for some CBT- was taken very seriously and was told would be priority however sadly due to waiting lists in my area never got to have it but that is definitely another option.

I don't think it's fair for others to judge how 'severe' your feelings are or are not to justify a referral. Ask yourself 'Am I OK?'- if the answer to that is no then please do reach for support from these services.

Good luck x