Long story short I have a serious problem with contraception, I have tried everything and it all comes with debilitating side effects for me the coil ended up in me loosing too much blood constantly I was on my period and I was so ill. The pills make me very angry and suicidal and it's just not safe for me, the marena and the implant and the depo also do the same we were actually discussing getting my tubes tied because it seemed my only option. We rely on condoms, stupidly one night we forgot for literally a minute and pulled out and put it straight on. We used condoms strictly before I fell pregnant last time we did our thing and not even 24 hours later I had morning sickness and was emotional ! I was always told I would struggle having children by doctors because of severe scar tissue in my womb from a c-section and diabeties. I wouldn't mind either but me and my partner have low libidos and rarely have sex.
I started feeling ill a while ago and it got worse I put on weight and my mental health went down hill so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. My last period was 5th July which I think marked me around 9 weeks ?
I'm really not in a place for this right now my son is only 8 months and I have a 5 year old daughter. My relationships great with them, I do so much better as a mum to 2 that I did to 1. I have the perfect amount of time for them. I also do not think I could do 2 under 2 !
We live in a two bed council house that we have currently put a lot of work and money into so weren't planning to move for another 5 years. My partner works we do ok but it's not the most reliable as he's self employed and if the weathers not great he cant go out and work in his customers gardens.
Our relationship is also very rocky, it's not helped others my hormones amplifying everything but still we had problems before that. We nearly broke up two months ago and are trying to fix things, we still don't know if it's going to work out although we are trying.
My last pregnancy was also difficult I had severe sickness and pelvic pain , I'm diabetic and not allowed to drive because of it, my nearest hospital is 2 train journeys and 40 mins walk, my partner doesn't drive yet he is just about to start lessons. I was up there anything from once to four times a month and was in and out in the end due to complications which I also had the first time.
I also had an epesiotomy and it was mentally scaring ! It got infected and abcessed, twice and I spent a month unable to sit or move because of it.
Also my mental health was the best it's ever been in my life before all the hormones and don't want to jeopardise that, I was finally free after suffering badly for the last 15 years.
I really feel like I have to have an abortion I just don't think I can put my body, mind or kids through it all, and I feel like it will disrupt everything and could destroy us. But I'm filled with guilt and thoughts of the baby and how it's a life we created and it's not their fault. I have always said I'd never get an abortion unless there was a serious reason other than my stupidity but now I'm hear I don't know what to do. It's breaking my heart thinking of every outcome and how little time I have and every day longer I spend thinking about it it's getting worse, the first day I just wanted abortion, now I fear how I will live with myself and the guilt of it and if I can go through with it. I don't know what I want, maybe some advice ? Please no hate I'm really beside myself.