Birth wwyd- mummies help me out

[Sleeplessem]

So I’m 29 weeks and have just had the news that the home birth service at my trust has been withdrawn due to staffing issues.

Reasons for wanting a home birth:

1. childcare for Dd who is 2 ( our family and friend options are less than ideal and flaky)
2. concern about labouring alone, based on my previous birth I can really see how women are mistreated and coerced into things that they don’t want.
3. awful experience on the maternity ward post delivery- doubt very much this culture has changed.
4. all trusts in my area are very similar so home birth seemed to be the best option.

I think given the state of the nhs it’s very unlikely that home births will start back up. The midwife today said that they are dangerously underfunded to the extent that even the midwife led unit has been closed at certain points due to staffing issues. I asked her to check with some colleagues at the other local trust to me and it’s a similarly sad story there.

So my question ladies, what would you do?
This matter is compounded by the fact I’m ‘medium’ risk due to a previous SGA baby so will be having growth scans at 32,35 and 38 weeks, so far baby is on track, DD at this stage was already measuring small.

I’ve looked so far at private midwives for home birth - it’s really expensive, not absolutely out of price range but would need to be a considered and measured decision as it seems like gas and air etc they charge you for additionally.
A doula and a comprehensive birth plan - seems ok but I think I’d still feel very much alone in this scenario, although I’d definitely want someone to advocate for me.
Childcare wise- is a nanny or childminder even an option for spontaneous labour? I don’t even know how that would work? Any one know?
Family- my mother, strained relationship as she’s a very difficult woman and was quite abusive to me growing up. She’d never touch my daughter but still I’m not entirely sure I trust her. She also lives 2 hours away and is unreliable, dawdles and I think would hold this over my head for the rest of her life.
MIL- lives 20 minutes away, but cannot speak English. She watches DD whilst DH and I wfh but as she can’t speak English she’s never been truly alone with her (we’ve always been a bit hesitant as in the case of emergency she can’t communicate to anyone). DD is ok with her ish… she doesn’t particularly enjoy being around MIL. Basically I’m not sure I’d trust mil with her either.
I have a friend who has a daughter 2 years older and she might be able to watch dd at our house, might as it would interfere with her work. I also think she’d have to come around to ours as DD, if it was night might struggle to sleep in a strange house without her parents. We’d stay home as long as possible, ideally be able to put DD to bed so she can just sleep. But who can plan this sort of thing.
Early discharge after delivery if possible but I’ve heard you need to stay at least 6 hours… 🤷‍♀️ But I can’t put into words ho low awful that maternity ward was.

My first was an induction of labour, god only knows what I’d do there?

So mummies, thanks for reading this far if you have. What would you do? Am I maybe missing something? I know it’s a bit early but I’m a bit of a planner and having some sort of game plan helps me feel relaxed

@Sleeplessem ah okay I see sorry. Personally I'd leave your child with your MIL xx

In your situation I would use a childminder or nanny. There will be plenty of people in your situation (we had to rely on DM being ready to drive 3 hours for our second and hope the labour was slow!) so childminder’s and nannies will be around that provide this service. I found our childminder through childcare.co.uk. You put an advert basically, stating exactly what you require and if they feel they can provide it, they get in touch. If you find someone in advance, they could meet your DS so they aren’t a stranger

@mnahmnah

In your situation I would use a childminder or nanny. There will be plenty of people in your situation (we had to rely on DM being ready to drive 3 hours for our second and hope the labour was slow!) so childminder’s and nannies will be around that provide this service. I found our childminder through childcare.co.uk. You put an advert basically, stating exactly what you require and if they feel they can provide it, they get in touch. If you find someone in advance, they could meet your DS so they aren’t a stranger

Ah excellent. I didn’t even think this would be an option, I’d already talked myself out of it. Will post an add and see what sort of uptake I get! Thanks for the suggestion!

We found an option for birth by placing an advert.. she came to meet my kids and I paid her an on call fee.. I had a number of options including a neighbour I didn't know very well and a nursery friend.

Also.. think about the birth issues and how you can best work through them.

You have already considered a doula, see what is available locally and what they offer.. since COVID, I offer pregnancy doula support and remote birth support and many of my clients have had great births even without me there.

Think also about what hypnobirthing options are available locally that also includes birth preparation, you want someone experienced.

Jade Gordon of Positive Induction offers a £26 online course that is worth trying even just to unpick what happened last time, if you feel you need more on this, you could look into someone who does the three step rewind traumatic birth support.

Also think about spending some time with one of the empowered birth powerhouses.. Kemi Johnson offers and hour call for £90 which many people find is enough to unpick their previous births and plan their next one, working out how best to ensure your wishes are met.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your current midwife. See how much you can work through with her.

And I HIGHLY recommend that all women expecting babies should do Molly O'Brien's Moving for an Easier Birth course which is also £25 online.

@ChateauMargaux

Also.. think about the birth issues and how you can best work through them.

You have already considered a doula, see what is available locally and what they offer.. since COVID, I offer pregnancy doula support and remote birth support and many of my clients have had great births even without me there.

Think also about what hypnobirthing options are available locally that also includes birth preparation, you want someone experienced.

Jade Gordon of Positive Induction offers a £26 online course that is worth trying even just to unpick what happened last time, if you feel you need more on this, you could look into someone who does the three step rewind traumatic birth support.

Also think about spending some time with one of the empowered birth powerhouses.. Kemi Johnson offers and hour call for £90 which many people find is enough to unpick their previous births and plan their next one, working out how best to ensure your wishes are met.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your current midwife. See how much you can work through with her.

And I HIGHLY recommend that all women expecting babies should do Molly O'Brien's Moving for an Easier Birth course which is also £25 online.

I don’t think I’d find any comfort in anyone being remotely available, especially if DH wasn’t there.

Unfortunately my midwife is moving into a different role so I’ll still keep in touch but I’ll just be discharged to the generic community midwife team, which is just a drop in clinic right now, no continuity as to who you see.

I don’t feel any particular trauma from my first birth, i wanted to do hypnobirthing but the staff didn’t really respect it, midwives were apologetic on forgetting, The OB however not respectful at all.

I wanted the cord to stop pulsing before it was clamped was told I wasn’t allowed due to having some (minimal) bleeding, which is bollocks looking back, but I just had standard delayed cord clamping. DH isn’t the best advocate, in any circumstances, he’d be there more for company than anything lol 😂

OK.. so it sound like having an advocate or being able to advocate for yourself is the most important factor for the birth once you have childcare arranged.

(If you don't find a childcare solution, your fear of labouring alone would strongly suggest that another birthing partner would be something that you would find helpful.)

Regarding the role of advocate, you have three options:
Find someone who will help you to learn to advocate for your self.
Find someone who will teach your husband to advocate on your behalf.
Find a doula

A doula can help with all of those options, the hypnobirthing process that I teach (KGHypnobirthing) also helps you and your partner to advocate from a position of knowing what questions to ask and being informed. Jade Gordon's course also has a lot of information in it.

And while you did not feel you had any trauma from your first birth, you mention many issues about it which makes me think it would be useful to debrief, mostly so that if things are similar, or not, you are prepared this time and can see which points the intervention was useful, evidence based and helpful, which interventions had a role in changing the course of birth and how you feel about it afterwards and which fall somewhere in between. Most of the important work of a doula is done in the birth preparation stage, on the day, we are there for support, which is also valuable.

I guess what I am trying to say.. if you want a doula.. go for it... but also explore the other ways you can make this a better birth all round if the full cost of doula support is too much which I am also hearing.

Second births are most often easier because your body and mind have been down this road before.

I recommend joining the homebirth uk fb page. Really informative and good help on there. Also a lot around 'growth' scans and inductions, cascade of intervention etc etc.