Hi all - first post here, found mumsnet when I discovered we are expecting, hoping to get some insight or advice from fellow mums who may have experienced something similar. Today I am mentally exhausted and confused from what can only be described as a horrible evening yesterday.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant, living with my partner and our lovely dog. All is well at home, feeling safe and content and feeling like the luckiest woman in the world waking up with our little one growing every day. My partner is fantastic, however I strongly feel this is something I don’t want to put onto him. I was diagnosed with HG (severe sickness) at around 10 weeks. He took care of me to the best of his ability before I reached a point where I was unable to get out of bed without being sick or accidentally weeing myself from the retching (sorry for the TMI!). At this point he was working, my mum came over when I asked her if she could walk the dog for me as I was struggling. Felt like I was dying really. She arrived, took one look at me and took me to hospital. She stated she couldn’t live with herself if she did nothing as I looked dreadful. Where I was diagnosed and put onto some medication called cyclizine. This has been a god send, fast forward to now and the sickness is finally cleared up. Today is the first day without medication. I’m feeling elated, free from something that crippled me for what felt like ever.
However, a few days ago my mum called me in floods of tears and shouting about a gentleman she encountered at work had been rude to her and apparently made her cry. This day I told her to come over I made us all dinner and dessert told her to relax and get comfy on my sofa with the dog, she continued to shriek and cry saying that she wants him to die and she’s sick of people hating her and looking down on her for cleaning. My partner arrived home from work, tried to talk about his day and was completely ignored as she continued to despair about these various people. This is a job she has done for nearly a year now. Episodes of self hatred swinging to grandiose superiority are common and I am used to this since I can remember. Usually the pattern follows, she has a job, has a big emotional episode sometimes involving driving away erratically and phoning me crying and screaming, then quits the job vowing to myself and her mum (my nana) and anyone else that she deserves better and is too intelligent for various people. At times during my childhood I have been looking for her desperately as she’s vanished and is crying or despairing about the way she has been treated at work. About the way our family judge her and don’t approve of her. Concern over bailiffs coming and concern over my mums mental wellbeing were a regular part of my teenage years. I found myself overwhelmed with anger and sadness during these years directed at myself. I engaged in self destructive activities such as drugs, truanting, drinking, self harm and just a lack of any drive to be better. She said I was a nightmare teenager and I can’t argue. Towards the end of school I felt no motivation to do anything and no passion to pursue anything. I had to start working to help support the house (just me and mum at this point, various boyfriends over the years but we never lived with them) and fell into college still engaging in drugs and the like. Once I reached 18, things boiled over and I left home. Continued working and ended up being lucky to get this lovely place we live in now. This is my 5th year here and I’m really feeling the extent of how lucky I was! Leaving here when our little one arrives for more space will certainly be bitter sweet. This is my first home and base of where I started my adult journey, with my pets and my job I am content with the job I trained for working In high schools in the DT department. I completed my plastering qualification whilst battling some gross morning sickness and really do feel proud and like I’ve invested my early 20s well to establish a good work ethic for myself and our little one as time goes on. Now for the first time in nearly 9 years I am off work! My partner is supporting us both and I’m finding this time so precious but struggling with constant anxiety. All normal I’m told!
But to the issue at hand! In recent years, Ive become aware of this pattern with my mum . Conversation is none existent. She is either gossiping about her neighbours, her colleagues or generally focused on what feels like negative subjects. I have always felt that I am some form of emotional support to her and I assumed I was doing the right things by encouraging her to pursue options with employment coaches, training programs etc. The pattern continues and the nastiness I feel directed towards me hurts. I have observed over my lifetime that our family have given her an awful lot of financial support, either through weekly payments or paying for her car and driving lessons or large chunks of inheritance early. I find myself questioning my sanity today.
Yesterday I called her, asking if she’d fancy coming with me to walk the dog and feed the ducks, maybe join me for KFC I had been craving all week. She said yes. She arrived to pick me up, looking and sounding in despair. I asked what was wrong, she said nothing and snapped that she’d been at work since 6am and had no dinner break and needed a shower. I said okay let’s go to your house first then. As we are reversing down her road, she plainly states again how sick she is of her job and the people who look down on her and treat her like scum because she cleans. She stated that sometimes she is mopping and thinks if this is all she is good for she may as well not be here. Yesterday I snapped, I said okay yet again I don’t know how many times I can say it but I don’t have the answer and you are the only person who can change your circumstances. She got very angry at this point. I told her I felt like reminding her that I’m pregnant with my first baby and some interest or anything positive would just be appreciated so much. Told her I feel stressed when she is crying and wailing about how people treat her so badly and how our family look down on her, because I have no answer to make it better for her. I’ve tried arranging appointments, she won’t go. I’ve tried mindfulness, she belittles and wouldn’t try. I’ve asked and asked if she’d join me to swim Since I’ve been pregnant I found it so helpful but any excuse will always win. Dog walking, she will join me and complain about various people from work or her neighbours, calling people names and assessing their capacity of being intelligent. I don’t understand. Like I have no answers and no matter what I suggest nothing changes. I snapped at her yesterday, she was shouting at me in the car saying I just get angry and I’m not helping and how she’s always supported me when I’ve been sad or upset she looked baffled when I said especially whilst I’m pregnant I’d really appreciate if she kept these things to herself or maybe confided in somebody else. She got very angry at me. I burst into tears feeling like nothing I say or do is right or helpful and said in as many words. I said “no matter what emotion I have about this, weather I’m kind, angry, indifferent, etc, it doesn’t make a difference and I don’t know what you want me to say” this exchange ended with her saying she will keep herself away from me so she doesn’t have to feel like she’s pretending to be okay for my benefit. I feel truly confused and exhausted. I said it’s our responsibility as the adults, mainly me and my partner but also her and other adults in our family to be as healthy as we can be, mentally and physically. I said I’m not being unreasonable asking her to keep a distance with these episodes if she is refusing to pursue support from an appropriate professional.
As usual when I do snap, like last night, I feel dreadful and sad today. I feel guilty for even saying anything. I’m just not sure how best to handle these episodes. I’m scared our little one will pick up on these things. I want nothing more than for them to be surrounded by their family. I want them to be able to look up to us all as guides and loving support as they experience all the wonderful things this world has to offer! But right now I’m frightened I’m handling my mums behaviour incorrectly. And am at a complete loss as to how I can provide better support without causing myself stress or sadness especially during pregnancy and when they are here! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA mums of the UK! Ele