36 weeks pregnant & miserable in 8 year relationship

[exhaustedmama1019]

Hi everyone Its been a while since I used Mumsnet so bare with me as I don't know any of the abbreviations anymore!

The last time I used this forum I used to write about the family I so desperately wanted. Fast forward a year & a bit, I have a home of my own, a beautiful DD who is 13mo and another DD on route due in a few short weeks. I finally have everything I always dreamt of and yet I'm feeling so low in my relationship.

We've been together for 8 years, engaged for 3 and parents to our DD for a year. We used to be best friends and so in love, but not anymore. Everything was fine up until I found out I was PG with DD2.

With our first daughter, my DP was so attentive and loving during my pregnancy and after she was born. We were enjoying life as new parents and our new little family. When she turned 7mo, I had the shock of my life to find out we were expecting again. DP was completely cool about it while I totally panicked! The idea slowly sank in though and we're now just weeks away from being parents of 2 babies.

I know second pregnancies are never going to be as relaxing as the first, especially having a 1 year old to chase after! But I've adapted really well. The issue is my DP has started treating me like complete crap to the point I now feel trapped in a relationship where I'm not loved or cared about.

It started with small things such as him having little patience with me, swearing and calling me names which he never used to do. This has happened on a few occasions over the last few months. He has made belittling comments to me which he says are 'jokes' such as 'why are you tired? All you do is sit at home all day' despite running around like a headless chicken from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed. I haven't had a single day away from DD since she was born and am in mum mode 24/7. Around a month ago I told him about a spam email I had received which I found really funny, it was from an African man about his 9 inch banana he stopped speaking to me after that for hours and wouldn't tell me why. Fast forward to later that night where I was crying in the living room wondering what on earth I'd done for him to say 'well how much porn are you watching to be getting emails like that, you won't even come near me' admittedly we haven't been intimate for a long time as carrying two babies back to back has really broken my confidence to the point I can't even look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower, not to mention he shows me no affection/gives no compliments anymore, I walked out because I couldn't believe I was being accused of something so ridiculous at 8mo pregnant. He just doesn't understand me, is always making comments at me to wear me down, and doesn't appreciate anything I do. I hardly have a chance to eat, drink or even pee during the day because I'm so rushed off my feet, yet he comes in from work and goes for a leisurely shower, grabs a snack and scrolls on his phone etc. I'm in a lot of pain now I'm at the end of my pregnancy but I get no help with anything, he doesn't ever ask if I'm ok or can he do anything. I just have serious doubts about our future and I'm terrified because we're due our baby girl any minute now and I hate feeling so uncertain about everything. Does anyone have any advice?

You know the answer. Also you might keep a closer eye on what he is up too.... I don't want to upset you.

Everything is coming at you, so if you can start to play offensively. I guess lean in so you get some stuff out of the way. Then you will see for yourself what he has been up to.

I reallly don't want to upset you.

Right now I guess gather yourself and get the most important things done that are of benefit for YOU and DC. That's it.

The house isn't so bad it'll fall apart in a month? Two months? And so on? It's all about getting aggressive with what you need to do in the present.

Sorry for any typos I'm quickly posting this

Oh!

Also don't worry right now with anything f to do about him. He's sorted himself out, they all usually do.

Do your best to shrug him off. Don't be defensive and use any energy on his bullshit. Once you have your energy back a little ... you'll deal with him.

I feel so sad reading this post but can also identify. It might be as bad as the poster above suggests or it might be salvageable. When my husband and I have struggled most on our relationship since baby being born it’s when he’s had no empathy for how difficult the reality of a day with a baby or toddler is. I think you need to find a way of speaking to him really seriously about it. Ideally someone could have your eldest for an hour or two or if not, just find a time in the evening. You need to spell out exactly what you have done in this post. He needs to be doing more with your daughter and doing it alone. He needs to be giving you lie ins and rest at the weekend as this is what will help you to deliver a second healthy child and support a sustainable family life.
Currently, it seems that other than a wage, he is adding nothing good to the household. When my husband is off with me, I make it clear to him that he is role modelling to our child about acceptable ways to speak to people we love and I want and expect better. Once you spell out all of this, and he takes up the chance to walk a few miles in your shoes, if he is a decent man worth sticking with, he’ll change his act a bit. If he isn’t, then that is heartbreaking, but people do change or show different sides of themselves after being parents and it’s not always good. Remember that the boundaries you put up with are what your daughter will grow up expecting to be treated like. If you want better for her, then you have to demand or find it for yourself.
So sorry though, this is a shitty position to be in at what should be a really lovely time for you all. Good luck with the birth and with working things through.