8+1 weeks pregnant and not sure what to do....

[Shanshoe]

Hi everyone, hoping you can help a very confused 24 year old who is (potentially) 8+1 weeks pregnant. I say potentially because that is going off the date of my last period but I have such irregular periods and the clear blue test just said 3+ weeks so no help there!

Anyway, I have literally no one to talk to in real life so I turn to you lovely Internet strangers in the hopes you will help me with my muddled thoughts.

Onto my issue. As I stated, I am pregnant. Found out last Friday after I decided to take a test because I had been feeling overly emotional the last couple of weeks and it said positive. Now the problem is, me and my boyfriend (31) of 6 years always agreed we were child free and if there were to be an accident (I say accident but it wasn't like we were using protection he was convinced he was infertile since he never got any of his previous girlfriends pregnant. Guess he just has a really low sperm count) then we would get an abortion. To the point he would brag about it to anyone that would listen that "he got a girl who was smart and would get rid of it if the situation arose"

Anyway I found out I was pregnant Friday evening after he left for the evening to go to his friends to hang out or whatever, so I text him saying I had news that would ruin his evening I could either tell him via text or wait for him to get home because he doesn't get in from this friends house until 1am and it was like 7:30 at this point. He chose text so I just sent him a picture of the positive pregnancy test with the caption "guess you aren't infertile huh?" And that was it until he came home. Once he came home he immediately told me how he told his friend and the friend (who has a kid himself) was like "congrats man" and my BF said to him "no congrats needed, the issue will be rectified within a couple of weeks".

Now my problem is, I'm not sure if I want to get rid of the baby.....I know we are not in the best place financially for a kid; and we are in a rented house; and I am due for a promotion in December that will surely be jeopardised if I reveal I am pregnant; and he is unemployed. But I can't help but feel like I want to keep this child. Maybe it's just the hormones?

I tried to approach him about my confusion but it just resulted in him raising his voice at me saying that I am doing a "180" out of no where and how I always said I would get the abortion without hesitation. And the conversation basically ended in him saying "if you want to keep the kid fine, ill support you" but in the tone that parents use thats like "fine, go ahead and ruin your life, see if I care"

I have a consultation with the doctor or nurse about an abortion next Tuesday so maybe I can talk to them then. But I know he has logical reasons as to why we shouldn't have this kid and me wanting to keep it is completely illogical and he said we could always have a kid later when we own our own home and I have that promotion but we were unprotected for 4 years, what if there is no next time?

I don't really know what I am looking for posting here, maybe some advice from people who have been in a similar situation?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

He sounds like an idiot. It’s fine to agree something in principle, but it’s all different when you actually get pregnant, and have the emotions that go along with it.

I am currently 11 was, but found out I was pregnant at 5wks. It was unplanned, and I had an appointment for a termination booked. I ultimately decided that I couldn’t go through with it, and we are having the baby. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I have a massively supportive partner who is excited about the baby.

I suppose all I can say to you, is you have to decide how YOU feel about the thought of a termination, compared to the thought of having a baby. Your boyfriend may or may not get on board and be supportive, but you can’t make such a big decision just based on what he wants.

I’m very sorry that you’re in such a difficult position at the moment, and I hope that once you’ve arrived at your decision, you feel peace whichever way it goes.

Its just he's told everyone and anyone who will listen that this is the decision I would be making and now I feel pressured to choose that. I almost feel I don't have the room to make the decision off of my own back? Does that make sense?

@Shanshoe
Right think off it as if you terminate you will end up hating him, if you keep it he will prop end up hating you anyway so relationship will prop not work out no matter what choice you make.
As for owning your own home he's 31 with no job where he think he getting the money to buy a house anytime soon when you get your promotion so you will be funding him 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.
If at 31 he has not grew in to an adult with his life sorted out yet I doubt it will ever happen. So keep your baby do what u want to do cause either way yous will end up hating one another anyway.

The relationship is screwed either way. You already resent him for pushing you into a corner and he clearly doesn’t want a child.

So ignore what he wants. He’s no longer part of the picture. Do you want this baby? You’re in a better place then you seem to think. You have a home, soon to be released from your resident sponger boyfriend. You have a job and promotion prospects (no need to tell work until after that has been confirmed if it’s December).

So go to your appointment and talk it through. Make the best decision for you, and don’t worry about him. If he was worried about you he wouldn’t have spouted the infertile bullshit.

Now the problem is, me and my boyfriend (31) of 6 years always agreed we were child free and if there were to be an accident (I say accident but it wasn't like we were using protection he was convinced he was infertile since he never got any of his previous girlfriends pregnant. Guess he just has a really low sperm count) then we would get an abortion. To the point he would brag about it to anyone that would listen that "he got a girl who was smart and would get rid of it if the situation arose

Your bf is an absolute knob. Total tool.

Don’t have a termination unless you really want one but do not have one for him either.

Personally I would dump your bf and raise your bar higher. Seriously, you need to give your head a wobble about him.

I understand why you feel under pressure, but try to move past that. What you do here is much more important than what others might think or what their expectations might be. It's your life and there's no need to do something just because you said you would. People who care about you will respect your choices. And I don't think it's a given that your relationship is ruined either (as per the previous posts). It could work out in a positive way for both of you.

I would dump him. I also wouldn’t have this baby, find a better man to have a baby with. Don’t have this baby to spite him. Your the one who will end up with the shit end of the stick.

Also you are too old to be believing lines like ‘I never got my other gfs pregnant.’ You are as irresponsible as he is. Be in control of your own life and fertility.

Find a proper man, with a job, live together for a couple of years, make sure he’s a good egg, get financially stable. That’s the happiness you and any future babies deserve. Raise your bar. You deserve better.

For a start, he should not be telling people that you will have a termination. It is a highly personal medical situation that is NOBODY’S business, and he should learn some respect.

A 31 year old with no job is not someone who is going to help your financial situation. Your job, especially if you get a promotion will be the basis of your financial situation, without him draining it.

If YOU want to keep the baby, give him an opportunity to step up. If he doesn’t, walk away and know that you’re better off alone, than with an unsupportive, unsympathetic sponger.

If YOU don’t want to keep the baby, I think your relationship is probably over anyway because of the way he has behaved. Move on, and focus on your career, and becoming financially comfortable without the burden of him around your neck

1. of your boyfriend doesn't want kids he either needs to wear a condom or get his tubes cut.

2. he's a dickhead with no job and no respect for you

3. decide if you want to be a single mum. He won't support you, he'll disappear as soon as he can.

I'm very pro choice so this is your choice, but at 24 I'd dump him and find a better one to have children with later.

He sounds like scum.

You do what YOU want to do as it's YOUR body and YOUR choice.

If you decide to go ahead, ditch him, no one deserves someone like that as a father.

Slight update:

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me advice.

I ATTEMPTED to have a conversation with my BF last night because I was just trying to get an understanding of what his thinking was around telling his friend and his GF, whom I have never met either of them, what is going on with my body before I am even sure whats going on with it. His response was "well why not, he knew my stance on children so would instantly know we would be getting an abortion. Its like if I told him I rode a fast motorbike, he wouldn't ask me how it was he'd ask me how fast I went" if anyone knows what the hell he means by that analogy then please share! Our conversation pretty much ended with "well I know now not to do it ever again don't I" and "Don't worry, I won't tell my friend anything about you ever again since it seems to make you so uncomfortable". All I wanted was a "Sorry, I wasn't thinking" and I would have been happy but no, he had to be immature about it as per usual!

I have decided to go ahead with the abortion, not because he wants me to, not because that's what he's told everyone I am doing, not even really for myself but for this child. I refuse to force a child into this world with that idiot as its father, that is not fair for this poor innocent baby!

Also if you can't tell its over for us, I don't know why I didn't see his toxic behaviour before but I sure as hell am not going to stick deal with it any longer. Only I am the named tennant on the house so he can go live with his mother for all I care, or maybe his friend that he seems eager to share so much with.

Good luck with everything. Make sure you have a quiet few days during the termination, and take the painkillers they will give you.

Good for you

I would think really hard before you decide to rush into an abortion, the baby doesn't have to have him as a father, you can raise them on your own.
You don't have to tell work before you get the promotion, have you got any family that can help you with the baby?
A baby is really difficult but an abortion is also a permanent decision you may regret forever so please weigh all your options first (unless you have already).

But equally having a baby and being tied to this knobhead forever isn’t ideal.

The decision you’ve made is the right one for you and that’s the important thing.

Both decisions are permanent, an abortion is probably the easiest solution (you may still need a scan to check how far along you are) but you have to weigh up how that may affect you mentally.
Whatever decision you make op I hope things go well for you in the future.

I think you've made the right decision. Who would want to be tied to this awful man for life through a child that you have to parent together which would have 50% of his genetic inheritance? But please raise your standards for men. A man who goes round boasting that his girlfriend will have an abortion if she gets pregnant is just so so unpleasant and disrespectful and then telling them other private details. You must have been about 18 when you met him but you are now older and wiser.

By the way the world is full of unexpected pregnancies, please get a reliable method of contraception.

Glad you've ditched your bum of a bf. You are 24, get your promotion and maybe save up to buy a place of your own, but also re-think whether you want to be child free. Nothing wrong with that of course, but all things considered, I'm not sure that you do want to be, although of course you have years and years to decide that!

Final update:

I am doing a final update firstly, incase anyone who gave me advice initially is interested and also if someone who happened to be in the same or similar situation to what I was in comes across this and it helps them.

So I went through with a medical abortion. I was 7 weeks when I had it, 6 weeks when I had my appointment at the BPAS clinic near me. The lovely lady bless her could tell I didn't really want to be making this decision and sent me away to think about my options.

The abortion itself wasn't awful awful. I had ovarian cysts that ruptured that hurt more to be honest but, if you do end up having to get a medical abortion, 100000% take the codeine. I cannot stress this enough. I tried to tough it out initially but got stuck on the toilet because my body physically refused to move. Don't be a martyr like me, take the pain killers. I started bleeding heavily literally like 20 minutes after inserting the 4 pills vaginally to the point I was worried it hadn't been enough time for them to absorb but I have since done the test they give you three weeks later and its 100% over. I bled on and off for nearly three weeks but after week two it would trickle to nonexistent then another big clot would come out and the bleeding would start again. Just make sure you have lots of pads handy.

Emotional wise I do feel regret, not going to lie. But I remind myself it was for the best.

With regards to the now ex-boyfriend, if I wasn't sure if he was a complete and utter heartless bastard before, he sure as hell was making it known during that whole ordeal. Every single point through the abortion process he left me alone to go to his friends. When I booked the initial appointment, at his friend's; night before said appointment when I was freaking out about my decision, at his friends; night before I picked up the medication from the clinic, at his friend's; evening I administered the second pill, at his friend's (this is particularly dangerous because you need someone there should you hemorrhage and lose consciousness but he clearly didn't care)

That last one broke my heart the most because I told him the day before when I took the first pill I was going to be doing the second set in 24hrs. He of course came to me like 2 hours before I had to take the second set as was like "I am off to my mates tonight" I asked him to stay with me and his response was to sigh and say "well I suppose I can cancel on him, its just that I already told him I couldn't do any other day than today because I thought you were doing it tomorrow. But I guess I could text him to say I can't make it......". Now I wish I could say I was a strong woman who went "yes, you do that because I need you here" but I didn't. I told him to go and inserted the pills while he was sitting downstairs.

Now, some of you avid readers will notice from my description of my experience with the medical abortion above, that I started bleeding and was stuck on the toilet 20 minutes after inserting the second set of pills. Well, you would be more observant than my ex, who failed to notice me squirming in pain lying in bed initially, and me shut up in the bathroom as he was leaving for his friends that night. What a lovely lovely man he was. So glad he is out of my life forever.

Thank you to everyone who helped me see what a toxic person he was. I know some of you may be thinking "well how did you not see it before". You see I was raised in a toxic family so I am kind of...desensitised to toxic behaviour if you will so it takes an outsider telling me "dude, thats not normal or nice behavior" to really see it.

@Shanshoe ir sounds like you took the right decision for you at this moment in time. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to go through it alone. I hope you have people around you that you can lean on, and that you are looking after yourself. I am glad to hear that this person is out of your life. I wish you all the best for the future and that you never have to endure someone so toxic again.

Fucking hell! So sorry he was such a waste man. He sounds horrendous

Well done for getting rid of him! You deserve so much better.

To the future

Well first of all get rid of your loser boyfriend. The way he speaks to his friends and brags like that is pathetic. He’s 31!? And he’s not working? He is entitled to his views about the pregnancy and as he’s unable to support financially that’s a fair point. It sounds like he would be totally useless anyway!

If you decide to keep the baby which is totally your choice then I would do so without him. You can do so much better! You have a steady job. Don’t tell work you are pregnant until after you are promoted, it’s your right.
Have a chat with the doctors and get some support but it’s your decision but please ditch that loser, you deserve better.

So glad you got rid of him! Plenty of nice men out there who will treat you better than just furniture that pays his bills. What an utter tool. Onwards and upwards, hope you've learned to value yourself and your wishes more and can demand the respect you deserve from the next man in your life, with shared interests and goals in life. xxx

Good luck for you and your future away from this terrible man. I hope you find a loving partner and have children or not in future based on your wants.