Just found out pregnant with 3rd child. The father doesn't want it!!

[rainbowdashsneeze]

Not sure why I am posting really but I was hoping for some advise.

I have just found out I am pregnant with number 3. I have 2 children DD1 14 & DD2 10 so their will be a big age gap between the children....

I split up from the baby's father in March after he woke up one morning and left suddenly!! Then we reconciled in June, although he made it clear he wanted his cake and eat it too. He wants to live separately and see me on his terms when it suited him. He has blown hot and Cold with me and he will not want me to continue with the pregnancy.

So I will be continuing with the pregnancy as a single parent but to make this more difficult I am disabled. I am frightened about the prospect of returning to full time childcare and having to pay for this by myself and I am not sure I will receive any childcare support due to the fact I work full time.

I've always wanted a third child but I wanted to be in a loving relationship so I was able to "do it properly" this time. As I brought my girls up by myself as I split up from their extremely violent father when the youngest was 6 weeks.

At 33 I feel as though this is my last chance to be a mother and although practically it isn't the best time I believe at the moment I want to continue with the pregnancy but will I be causing my children harm and also set my baby up for a life of separated parents.

Any words of wisdom or if you could share your experiences I would greatly appreciate it.

Apologise if this doesn't make sense and is poorly written I am severely dyslexic.

I would just like to add I have the copper coil Inserted too so I wasn't planning on becoming pregnant. So this is all a big shock!!

Well if you’ve done it twice already you can do it again, at least your kids are older so are able to help! I had a newborn a 3 year old a 5 year old and a 6 year old when my ex left! He’s never bothered with them since so I think the age gap is a good thing as they will be able to help and will be less dependent on you.

If you can handle a third child on a practical, emotional and financial level, then you need to disregard the thoughts and wishes of your ex. I read from your post that he isnt the parent of your two children, so the most sensible thing would be to immediately stop all contact.

Once you have decided what to do, you could, as a courtesy, send a note saying what you are doing. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, a note once the baby is born too.

As for whether to continue the pregnancy or not, no one can really tell you what to do here. The emotional tug of "getting to do it properly" is something I think you are going to have to try to ignore. It's not a helpful thought process when making a decision, and it isnt going to be of any practical help when baby is here.

As a lone parent (assume you are in England, but happy to be correvted), you will receive support for childcare costs and it could be worth plugging some dummy figures into Gov.uk to see what the support would be (just alter dates and put estimate childcare costs in).

Have you considered how you life will look over the next few years if you didnt continue the pregnancy? Your children are becoming more independent and, as you are young, you are on the cusp of a lot of freedom for yourself. It's worth considering in your thoughts.

Best of luck.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz being a single parent doesn’t mean she will automatically receive help with childcare costs. It’s income based. I’ve never received any.

@rainbowdashsneeze

I would just like to add I have the copper coil Inserted too so I wasn't planning on becoming pregnant. So this is all a big shock!!

Well if the father has been seeing other people as well as getting you up the duff, you really should get an STI check...

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If you can handle a third child on a practical, emotional and financial level, then you need to disregard the thoughts and wishes of your ex. I read from your post that he isnt the parent of your two children, so the most sensible thing would be to immediately stop all contact.

Once you have decided what to do, you could, as a courtesy, send a note saying what you are doing. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, a note once the baby is born too.

As for whether to continue the pregnancy or not, no one can really tell you what to do here. The emotional tug of "getting to do it properly" is something I think you are going to have to try to ignore. It's not a helpful thought process when making a decision, and it isnt going to be of any practical help when baby is here.

As a lone parent (assume you are in England, but happy to be correvted), you will receive support for childcare costs and it could be worth plugging some dummy figures into Gov.uk to see what the support would be (just alter dates and put estimate childcare costs in).

Have you considered how you life will look over the next few years if you didnt continue the pregnancy? Your children are becoming more independent and, as you are young, you are on the cusp of a lot of freedom for yourself. It's worth considering in your thoughts.

Best of luck.

Thank you for this. I have considered how my life will change, I had loosely planned travelling around Asia when I am 40 (if my girls go to uni) as I was a teenager when I had my eldest child. I missed out on a lot and always planned to do it all when the girls had left home. However I feel as though I will regret not having more children and I don't want to live with that regret and feel I would still be able to do the things I had planned but just put it back 10 years. Do you think that's wise?

You seem to want to keep it and ultimately its your call but you sound very panicked and in some aspects unsure

Things that might be helpful to consider.

33 is definitely not your last chance
I dont think this should be a factor. I am 38 and having my first my 2 friends are 38 and 39.

How will it impact your existing children?
Will they be happy / angry? Will they get the same attenrion? Cpuld they resent the baby? Do you have enough bedrooms? Will they need to share?

What is your plan financially? Do you have visible financial means to support another child? You need to work out a financial plan and draw up a current and future budget. find out exactly what you are and aren't entitled to. (Our child care will cost 2k per month)

Can/will your disability be worsened by pregnancy? Or is your disability a degenerative one? Will this impact your life expectancy or general health / your existing children? How would it impact this child or your others (if at all) when older?
Are you happy/okay with that trade off?

will the father be actively involved will he be an asshole? Will he be a good dad and give you a break? Do you want him in your life for the next 18 years plus?

I think working out what life health and finances will look like for your family if you have this baby. This will help clarify things and help you feel more confident in your decision (whatever you decide)

Sorry that reads very negative. I mean it more from if you have considered and have a plan for worst case secanarios youll feel much more prepared

It's your decision. Leave the father out of it...you will be a single mum. Can you handle being a single mum of three children whilst having a disability... bearing in mind you will have a toddler and two teenagers going through exams and such like. I'll be honest, it sounds like a bonkers idea but I like an easy life! If you can cope and want to, then cool