New scared mum - help and advise please!

[DisneyAuntie]

Hi, a close friend just found out she’s pregnant, it’s unplanned and unexpected so she is very scared and unsure where to start, she has a lot of fears and concerns and just needs a little reassurance and direction, I haven’t had any children myself so I’m trying to help anyway I can but I’m very limited in knowledge.

I tried to ring the GP for her and got told to ring a maternity ward who said the GP need to refer her and to ring them, so I rang them again however the receptionist said that she needs to see the midwife at the practice but that the midwife is only there on a Thursday, my friend has yet to tell anyone and isn’t ready to so she doesn’t want to tell work she’s expecting yet as it’s a small office.

She works 8-6 mon-fri, she took two days off when she found out she was pregnant but wasn’t ready to see a doctor or anything due to shock, so she isn’t in a position to take another another random day off, so my question is what is she meant to do does she need to book in with a midwife and get like a plan of action and how can she possibly get around the issue of there only being one at the practice on a Thursday which is not going to be possible for quite a while due to work.

She’s very scared and just needs to talk to a medical professional about all her worries and get facts on what she can expect as I mentioned it is a very unexpected pregnancy and is feeling quite lost so I would like to know anything that may help.

The receptionist said the GP “wouldn’t know what to do” so she can’t book her in with a GP for pregnancy only the midwife, any information I would be really grateful for as well as any tips to help her believe in herself and get her confidence up for what’s to come

Is she very young your friend? Or has additional needs? She needs to do this bit herself really.

She can probably self refer to the midwife online, that’s what I did. Where they go from there depends on how many weeks she is. In the meantime she can read lots on the NHS website about being pregnant.

She’ll need a booking in appointment with the midwife before 10 weeks pregnant if she plans to continue with the pregnancy. Explain she has an essential medical appointment that can’t be rearranged and will need the morning/afternoon off. She should also start taking folic acid right away.

BPAS have info for deciding whether to continue a pregnancy or terminate, and resources on abortion if that’s something she wants to consider www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Nhs website has lots of info too.

Thank you for your response! She's 22 she's just very scared and doesn't have any other support systems as the family is estranged, I'm happy to help with the waiting in call queues etc as going there doctors and accepting it all was a big step for her, how do I self refer her to a midwife on the nhs? Just as when I tried to ring the local hospital midwifery clinic they said it had to be via the GP, but then the receptionist said it has to be the midwife they have in the surgery who does the referral but that's only on Thursday which she's then stressed and worrying about works reaction, it's not so much she can't do it just as she is really lost and scared she's not got like a mum or auntie to turn to for advice :( so she's really struggling with just how to respond to it all, the baby is wanted just very unexpected

Are there any helplines or anywhere you know of? that could maybe just give her someone to talk to, as all her fears about labour and risks and what she should be doing I can't answer properly cause I can only google which isn't always realistic or accurate. My local area doesn't seem to have a lot of pregnancy support but then again I'm not sure what I'm looking for, she does just need to talk to a human being who can reassure her but it seems like it's gonna be a while until we can get an appointment at the GP for her, maybe something to help ease her worries before then

Tell her to stop and sit with it. Really. Put her hands on her abdomen and ask herself is this really so bad. Work? To hell with work. This is something that needs her attention. Having kids myself…hell yes it’s scary, my first was unplanned, I was terrified. Can I imagine life without him…no way. Everything happens for a reason, reassure her that whatever she decides or chooses that she will have support and help. Children are a blessing and open up a whole world of happiness you never knew existed. Well that’s my feeling on it….hope this helps.

OP how pregnant is she?

In the early stages, there actually isn’t a lot of pregnancy support. I didn’t do anything with the GP, just registered with a midwife online for a booking appointment at 9 weeks. Then it’s just form filling really. Sorry to say but with so many pregnancies ending earlier than that, no one will really do anything before then. It’s a bit of a wait and see once you take the test and wait for your booking in appointment.

She doesn’t have a supportive partner?

She’d be better off booking a GP appointment to discuss anxiety maybe but not specifically because she’s pregnant.

She could post on her what her concerns are

*here

Yes the baby is definitely wanted it's more a massive shock and she never expected it so soon in her life she wanted to be "ready" first with plenty of money etc as I'm sure lots of mums feel the same so she's just got a million worries that I can see are really getting to her, thank you for the idea of saying it's an important medical appointment instead of being specific I'll see if she's comfortable with that, she's quite wary of upsetting her work after taking those two sudden days off

If we manage to get to the GP midwife will they then refer her to the pathway and she'll have someone to contact to help her if she has questions? Do you have any advice for resources that are particularly helpful for information? Like any books etc, she is particularly very scared of the idea of labour/birth and wants information on elective c sections

You sound capable OP I’m sure you can research resources specific to your area if there are any. I’m not sure reading up on labour and c sections is going to be very helpful to her right now personally if she’s just found out she’s pregnant.

This is sounding a little off to me.

Hmm just pick another hospital that lets you self refer maybe

I never saw a doc or midwife until my 12 weeks scan at the hospital

I had a phone booking appointment
At around 8 weeks

Labour / elective c section conversations are way off! She won’t need to discuss that for months with the midwife tbh

Think your friend just needs to relax and come to terms with this for now ! The booking in etc can wait a bit longer

She would be too nervous to ask questions on things like this herself it's hard to explain , but she's lovey and would be really grateful for any advise that's why I've thought maybe someone could help with , that's very useful knowing that you don't actually get help until about 9 weeks actually because neither of us knew what your supposed to do once you get those two lines on the test,

Sorry if this is sounding immature for 22 year olds it's just a brand new experience, the excitement is there she just doesn't know what to expect and anything that can help her wrap her head around things or a direction would be good there's a lot of different literature but I was hoping mums might have little tidbits of advise to help

She’s going to have a baby- she will need to ask questions herself.

You still haven’t said how many weeks but if it’s early she doesn’t really need to do much yet at all apart from take folic acid.

Well thank you everybody! I'm gathering that it's too early on and that appointments can wait a bit so it's not urgent or something to stress about, I just came here to see if there was anything more I could do or that she should be doing, she's only 4 weeks so it's a relief she has time I'll focus on helping her relax your right that all those worries are far down the line and researching them won't help her at the moment, thanks everyone!

Assuming she’s still in the early days there is really no need to worry about birth yet. It is a long way off with plenty of time to decide (and as someone up thread alluded to, miscarriage is common in the first trimester: about 1 in 4 pregnancies will not result in a baby).

Just phone gp, say she’s tested positive, and ask for a booking in appointment with the midwife.

For right now: don’t drink alcohol or smoke, read the packet of any medication to check it’s safe, take folic acid, and understand that feeling anxious/horrified/overwhelmed can be really normal.

To nervous to ask questions?

Shes got to start practising
Shes pregnant and going to be a mother

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/finding-out/finding-out-you-are-pregnant/

This does tell you to see a midwife or a GP as soon as you find out you’re pregnant.

Hopefully it all goes okay and she'll have her first appointment in a few weeks then where she will be able to book it off work, I appreciate the help! Must sound like ridiculous questions but you read so many things and get frazzled, folic acid is on the list too

The National Childbirth Trust have a helpline that she could ring just to chat over things with her. 0300 330 0700. As others have said though, after the initial positive test, the only immediate things to do are to start taking Folic Acid and Vit D and then just make an appt to see a midwife when possible.

Thank you so much for the helpline! I found a few but they're often quite specific to certain aspects of pregnancy so it was difficult to see which ones would be helpful, just folic acid, check for warnings on things, obvious no alcohol, smoking etc I'm relived it's not urgent to get her in because I originally saw the same thing as someone above in this thread where it says to contact immediately so we were worrying when we couldn't sort appointment but this is reassuring

Book a GP appointment without telling reception what the appointment is for.
A general practitioner is just that - general. So they can see you for any general medical need, including pregnancy. You don't have to tell reception what the appointment is for, if they are blocking you. If they insist, you can even lie. Then she can say what the appointment is for only once she's in front of the GP.

A GP who won't take an appointment for someone saying they're pregnant, in my opinion, is a GP you need to change ASAP. But that is a problem for a different day. Right now she just needs to speak to them to get information and if necessary, a referral.

I'm gonna try that thank you! Just for now then she could sort the midwife appointment from there so she's got someone to talk to about her worries until then

If she wants to be a mother, she needs to learn to put her big girl pants on and start advocating for herself and her pregnancy.

22 is young, and yes, this is a shock. But she is going to need to start taking a little bit of responsibility at some point in the near future.

There are millions of resources out there for her to access. The nhs website. 'What to expect when you're expecting', 'expect better' are to good books. There are apps like the ovia pregnancy app. There are medical professionals like midwives, health visitors, doctors. Have her use these.

The issue was more just getting in with a GP or midwife but I think we have all the information on how to go about it now thanks for the recommendations!

As someone who has been pregnant 4 times....it is not always clear how to get referred to the midwives! The first time I did it, I rang the GP surgery who gave me the number for the community midwives and I left a message. The second and third times, I rang the midwives directly as I had the number. This current pregnancy, I rang again but there was a message saying the system had changed and to fill in an online booking form - with no info on when / where to find said form! I ended up browsing all the local GP websites and found one that had a proper link to the correct form. So maybe Google some of your local GP practices and see if they have any info on pregnancy with how to book in for the first appointment. Also, she's only 4 weeks so there's no huge rush - she won't be seen until 8 weeks at the very earliest. In the meantime, the most important thing to know is if she experiences any bleeding, period cramps and/ or strong pains on one side, she needs to ring the GP immediately and ask for a referral to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) as she could be miscarrying or even be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. It is important to get checked out for this as ectopic pregnancies in particular can be very serious and miscarriages do need monitoring to ensure everything clears. Not trying to put a downer on things but in the first trimester miscarriage is the main risk and they are, sadly, very common. Good luck to your friend.