Pregnancy and overwhelming sense of dread

[candlelightsatdawn]

I feel so ashamed for posting this. Given my history which I share below I'm even more ashamed. Please please be gentle with me as my MH is at all time low and I just need some advice.

So have had 8 losses - one of them being a late stage MC which was just horrific. I was lucky enough to get a rainbow baby in the form of my DD who is now 3 years old and light of my life .
My previous relationship with my DD dad broke down as he cheated while I was pregnant so we split and he blamed the losses and partly me (which is fine because I blame me too - not that the doctors said anything I did caused it - we both still blamed me). We do co parent well but I have a lot of guilt that she was born into a non traditional family. Me and ex are on good speaking terms actually which helps with the guilt.

I have been with my DH pretty much since DD was born and now I'm pregnant 10 weeks 2 days. And I can't get over the overwhelming worry that somethings wrong with the baby and as soon as I relax something bad will happen.

I didn't have this with my daughter.

I haven't mentioned it to my MW as I have some type of fear (irrational I know) I will be added to some type of list and they may take my baby and DD away ?!? I haven't ever had any contact with SS and I think logically I have just been reading horror stories, but I'm not feeling very logical. My MW when told about my losses just said that let's try and keep this one alive shall we. So I just shut my mouth.

This baby is so so wanted, I'm a SM also which makes worry that my SD will hate me and my daughter will hate me for having this baby, all I hear here is that basically having another child in a blended family is the dumbest thing to do ever. I didn't have any support really with my DD it was fairly early days with and I didn't want to introduce them too soon . It's just I'm terrified of not coping with two (even with DH)

My DH is being a bit of a bloke and doesn't get it but is trying. As daft as it sound so feel like I have PTSD which it mad as that's for people who have suffered unimaginable pain.

Help surely I'm not alone in this ? Maybe I am and I have finally lost the last bolt holding me together.

I feel so guilty to the girls, to my ex (weirdly I haven't told him I'm pregnant but I imagine this will hurt him as he's always wanted to win me back but never ever would I go there). I feel like everyone is going to have a opinion and judge me and it's making me want to shrivel up and hide.

Oh my dear, I can feel your pain through your post. You've gone through some terrible times and no wonder you are scared and apprehensive about this pregnancy.

Do talk to your GP about this - you certainly need all the support you can get. And talk to your husband - I know, men often don't "get it" when women are pregnant, they think it's unknown territory for them and they haven't got a map. But even if he doesn't understand the details of what you are feeling, he loves you and can be the best support if you tell him what you've told us here.

Sending a very loving hand hold - hang in there and ask for help.

@ShippingNews I just don't know what help they can give ? I suspect they won't give me any medication due to my previous losses, with my DD they were really apprehensive about giving me antibiotics for a UTI I had to get my consultant to agree.

I just don't want to be labelled as that mum. It all feels like a deck of cards that could fall down if I make the wrong move.

Sorry to ramble so 😔

I think your MW will want to help you. Please talk to her, SS won't be involved and there's no list she will add you to. They only get concerned if your MH slides so much that it's a concern and you don't seek help.

Can you tell your DH how you feel abs then your MW?

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent I know I sound mad honestly. I'm going to see if I can speak to one of the nice MWs and see if she's bit more understanding. I know how I'm thinking is logical, it's just massive waves so fear that arrive.

I think my partner doesn't understand how it has happened while pregnant. I think he gets baby blues and didn't seem to think you can't get this pre birth. I probably haven't been very clear to be fair to him. Tend to keep all this inwards. I suppose it's just a coping mechanism I suppose

I will try again. Thank you ladies for your comments means the world.

When you do speak to a MW, ask her if there are any local support groups for Mums going through pre and postnatal illness.

I'd have a look through some of the old threads on MN as well at being PG after losses.

What you've experienced would be enough to make most people anxious and it sounds as if you need some support right now