Planned pregnancy and husband now tells me he doesn’t want a baby

Emmaaaa76 · 2021-08-24T15:37:22+00:00

I’m 28 weeks pregnant and my husband has just told me he doesn’t want the baby. We had a miscarriage three years ago and struggled to conceive for the next few years. The past few years has affected our relationship, as I went from depression to anxiety around ttc. He was so supportive of me throughout the whole process, but I suspect the pressure took a toll on him too. I then fell pregnant this year. I have been over the moon, but cautious. I assumed he felt the same. Until a couple of weeks ago when he told me he’s been unhappy, feels trapped and doesn’t want the baby. He’s not sure if it’s just the tough couple of years we’ve been through, or if he really doesn’t want the baby. He’s said he’s hoping when the baby arrives, he will just get the rush of love for the baby. But doesn’t know if it will happen. He tells me he doesn’t want to leave. He just wants to be where we were in our relationship before we started TTC. I’m heartbroken. I love him and don’t want him to feel resentful for the rest of our lives. I’m desperately hoping this has happened to someone else and their OH has come around. Anyone?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2021 16:41

How horrible, op. I would be seeking marriage counselling as a matter of urgency. If there is any hope for a happy future, you need to try and work through this with the help of a professional.

Anon08 · 24/08/2021 16:42

Oh gosh I’m so sorry. Not been in this situation but could you go for therapy, together or separately so DH can work this through?

PieMaster · 24/08/2021 16:47

What a dick. He should have told a friend or his Mum talk it through and got over it. Is he a bit rubbish dealing with emotional stuff?

Treezan82 · 24/08/2021 16:47

I actually think it's really positive he's been so open with you. Of course he'll love the baby - sounds like he (maybe you both?) just needs a bit of help processing the past few years trauma. I would really encourage him - or you both - to invest in some therapy. Good luck x

Pompom2367 · 24/08/2021 16:50

Op you need to arrange counseling for you both I'm so sorry x

2bazookas · 24/08/2021 17:14

Lots of men are worried that their baby will become your Number 1. It's normal.

You have a marriage where he can talk openly about his doubts and fears and real feelings . That is an immense strength and its far from over yet.

Keep talking, and wait and see how he feels when the baby is born.

peppapigfangirl · 24/08/2021 21:04

I think a lot of men struggle with bonding with the baby before it's here, I know mine did. He said he had a big rush of love when she arrived which I didn't have- I put that down in part to me having fallen in love with her over nine months. He describes it as being hard to picture before she arrived and when she arrived he suddenly felt it was real.

Sounds like he may have some residual trauma too from your TTC journey.

It's hard to diagnose exactly what's going on from a MN a thread but I just want to give you hope that all is not lost and you that there may be other things going on than just him not being wanting the baby full stop.

GhostRyder · 24/08/2021 21:44

Could it just be nerves and cold feet about the change to come? Maybe he’s scared he will lose what he has with you?

GlinnerForPM · 24/08/2021 21:53

He shouldn't be burdening you with this, how insensitive of him. What does he want you to say or do about that? He's just added a layer of stress that doesn't need to be there. Like when they tell you they slept with someone else just to unburden themselves, makes them feel better but puts the stress onto you.
I think he'll feel differently when the baby arrives. Have you got someone you can talk to IRL? You need someone who understands the realities of being pregnant .

thebookworm1 · 25/08/2021 07:33

It sounds to me like he’s more depressed than a horrible person and it’s probably good he’s managed to open up.
If a woman was having such doubts everyone would be telling her it’s normal and providing support.
It’s super hard for you OP and I would definitely seek counselling with him. I rarely believe counselling is actually helpful but in this specific circumstance external support is likely to help you both move forward.

mocktail · 25/08/2021 07:41

As long as there's nothing else going on, and he's being completely honest with you, I'm sure it'll work out OK.

Don't put too much emphasis on the "rush of love" when the baby's born though as not everyone gets that - for some of us it's a more gradual process!

Cannes12 · 25/08/2021 07:49

Totally normal, though I grant you not nice for him or you. I'd flag to your midwife. Lots of perinatal mental health services now also look after dads.
It's the biggest life change either if you will ever have and you've invested a lot in it. It's totally understandable that it throws your mind around a bit! It's really good he's talking about jt but does need to seek some support that's not just you.
Be prepared it may take him, or you, time to bond with baby too, again totally normal. You don't need to stress about these thoughts, just accept them and seek some support to explore them.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 25/08/2021 08:27

@2bazookas yes this exactly. Sounds to me like he’s worried that wife won’t love or need him anymore not that he won’t feel that way about the baby.

randomunicorn · 25/08/2021 09:08

I know exactly how your husband feels.

I struggled for 5 years to get pregnant with some losses early on but nothing for 3 years. I had IVF and got pregnant first time, I never believed it would work and when it did I didn't believe it would last. After my 20 week scan when we were told everything was perfect I just cried.. I said to my husband I didn't want the baby.

Even when he was born, I had a traumatic labour I couldn't bring myself to look at him, I wasn't interested. He went with the midwives for the first few hours, I'd not slept for 3 days I was completely exhausted. I woke at 1am in a panic looking for him, they bought him to me and that when it changed, the rush of love and need to protect him.

I always wanted him, I wanted it more than anything but it was so long coming I think I'd just convinced myself it wouldn't ever happen and when it did I didn't know how to cope, i'd learnt to cope with loss and disappointment and that wasn't easy to change to excitement.

He will come around, at some point. He will love the baby when they arrive. There's so much focus on the woman with fertility issues but it has a huge impact on them too. I think it's great he's been open and honest. It's gut wrenching to hear. It hurt my husband when I said it. But he was so understanding and we got through it.

We have 2 now, another via IVF, I felt similar with the second but not as strong as the first. They are my absolute world now.

BeeDavis · 25/08/2021 11:05

@PieMaster

What a dick. He should have told a friend or his Mum talk it through and got over it. Is he a bit rubbish dealing with emotional stuff?

I genuinely cannot believe this comment.

StaceImpactWfan · 25/08/2021 12:24

Men are different. Although mine never said he didn't want baby. He always said he didn't have a bond and it wasn't real until baby was here then he instantly felt a connection. We now have 3 kids and it was the same with all 3 I think. Hopefully he will be OK once baby is here.

MimiDaisy11 · 25/08/2021 15:03

It’s quite a thing to burden you with. I’m not sure what he expects from you. Did it make him feel better to unload his feelings? While I do think it’s good to be honest I think sometimes it’s better to keep some things to yourself or with a therapist.

Also if the rush of love doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean anything. I didn’t have it and still love my son now.

Original poster

Emmaaaa76 · 26/08/2021 17:21

Thank you all for your kind comments. I did suggest whether he wanted to do some counselling either separately or together. He's declined, but has acknowledged that the past couple of years has impacted him. Rather than it being a blip, or nerves. I'll gently broach the topic of counselling again and hope we can come to a resolution.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmaaaa76 · 26/08/2021 17:25

@randomunicorn

I know exactly how your husband feels.

I struggled for 5 years to get pregnant with some losses early on but nothing for 3 years. I had IVF and got pregnant first time, I never believed it would work and when it did I didn't believe it would last. After my 20 week scan when we were told everything was perfect I just cried.. I said to my husband I didn't want the baby.

Even when he was born, I had a traumatic labour I couldn't bring myself to look at him, I wasn't interested. He went with the midwives for the first few hours, I'd not slept for 3 days I was completely exhausted. I woke at 1am in a panic looking for him, they bought him to me and that when it changed, the rush of love and need to protect him.

I always wanted him, I wanted it more than anything but it was so long coming I think I'd just convinced myself it wouldn't ever happen and when it did I didn't know how to cope, i'd learnt to cope with loss and disappointment and that wasn't easy to change to excitement.

He will come around, at some point. He will love the baby when they arrive. There's so much focus on the woman with fertility issues but it has a huge impact on them too. I think it's great he's been open and honest. It's gut wrenching to hear. It hurt my husband when I said it. But he was so understanding and we got through it.

We have 2 now, another via IVF, I felt similar with the second but not as strong as the first. They are my absolute world now.

I'm sorry to hear your experience was similar, but I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about children now. I've taken on board your comments. I do think you're right. He (and selfishly, I) was very focussed on me, my feelings, etc. during our time ttc. and not on him at all. I hope like with you, he manages to work through it in time.

OP posts:

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 26/08/2021 17:33

@StaceImpactWfan

Men are different. Although mine never said he didn't want baby. He always said he didn't have a bond and it wasn't real until baby was here then he instantly felt a connection. We now have 3 kids and it was the same with all 3 I think. Hopefully he will be OK once baby is here.

Same here! We have 3 kids, all 3 were planned, but my DH was never that ‘into’ the pregnancy. He came to a scan once with our first, and would occasionally be interested in feeling her kick, but nothing at all with the next two. Like, if I had a wart on my toe it would be more interesting than me being pregnant.

That said, he is totally devoted now to our two toddlers, is their primary parent and a brilliant dad (I travel a fair bit for work and we now have a newborn, so he’s extremely hands-on with the “big” two).

It’s a bit of a pity that pregnancy isn’t more interesting to some dads, but it also makes some sense (I think it can feel a bit theoretical to them!) and it doesn’t signify anything about future bonding, as far as I can tell.