How do I know if kids are for me?

[Laurie000]

Hi everyone, long-time lurker, first-time poster here 🙋🏻‍♀️.
A little bit about me, to bring some context to the post. I’m 35F, primary school teacher. Love working with kids. Have a niece and nephew I adore, but I don’t see them much as they live far away. I have been in a relationship (41m) for about 8 months now, but if I’m honest there’s a big ? Hanging over that at the moment, before him I was single for a whopping 8 years so I’m feeling a bit suffocated right now and trying to work out if I just need more time to adjust or if
he isn’t the one for me. He has spoken very honestly about his desire to have children (he doesn’t have any) and this was one of the reasons why him and his ex broke up.
So, like I mentioned I love working with children and I adore my niece and nephew. Children tend to gravitate towards me. I am very child like, but I do love my life of coming home and being able to do what I want. Go where I want, when I want. Spend my weekends and holidays traveling around. I read posts and of course I do work with children/have friends with children that have severe SEN and whilst I can manage those needs within school, I don’t know if I could honestly cope 24/7. Parents of children with severe SEN are HEROES! I am very aware that because of my age and if at some point I were to consider to have children the risks of having a child with SEN are greater.
I suppose I’m wondering, if anyone else has found themselves in this situation?

I’m not in this situation but my situation is still compatible in that I knew from a very young age that I wanted children and nothing was going to change that. The fact you question it and like the lifestyle you have, plus in a relationship that is uncertain, leaves me to believe you probably don’t want children of your own and instead feel pressured to have them?
All I can say is children do change your life dramatically, both positively and negatively, depending on what you want for yourself. I think if the relationship was right, you’d have a better feeling. Good luck but do what is best for you.

Wow, I feel like I could of written this post a while back.... I grew up telling all my family and friends from the age of 5 that I didn't want children..

And after I turned about 20, I was still saying it but getting a dull ache in my stomach, which I figured out a few years later was because I did want children, but I had convinced everyone (including myself) that I didn't.

Then when I found out I needed fertility treatment to get pregnant, it took my from 2018 to 2021 to finally agree to it, and I'm so pleased that I did, I'm currently 13+6 weeks pregnant.

You should know deep down if it's something you want, take a couple of weeks to really think things through.

Just know that it is completely fine to not want children, so don't feel bad if that is the case x

Definitely two things going on.

1. do you want children
2. do you want to continue your relationship

I've always wanted children and when I was ready it actually took me 5.5 years to get a live one. She was worth it all but some days are hard. Some adjustments take some getting used to but what I have found, and DD is only 2.5 years old, is that nothing lasts for long. Things change so quickly so a stage you might not particularly be enjoying is a distant memory before you know it.

Unless having a child would severely impact your earnings long term there's no reason you can't keep doing all the things you love with the right things in place.

The biggest change for us is that it knocked our finances massively but that is because I chose not to return to work after maternity leave. Short lives though and when I'm back working full time it will all turn round again.

Well, have you sat down and imagined your life and how it would change if you had a child? What things would be done differently, how time would be spent doing other things etc? Are there some things in your life that you can put on hold for a few years?
Bear in mind also that baby sitters and nurserys exist also if you ever needed a break, and family?

Personally, I always knew I wanted children, but I got to 29/30 and it just didnt look possible (due to the relationship I was in) I met someone else and I was pregnant within 6 months. I did worry that my relaxation/self care time would be cut to pretty much 0, that my work would have to go on hold...but, youre bringing a new life into the world, so its worth it? We were both anxious about being new parents, so early on in our relationship also, and of course we have our bad days but, I could not think of a world without our daughter. She has made my life have meaning, and I am in awe of her every day =) We are also expecting our 2nd child the beginning of 2022!
There are obviously risks with people our age (Im 32 now) and the longer we leave it...the greater those risks become. And I know that is in every "older" woman's head and the pressure of having children etc. But sometimes you have to step away from that, and not think of the age. Just imagine yourself 20 years from now....would you regret not having children?

You can still live a life with children, and you will find that you will go out exploring places you have never even been before! You are still entitled to holidays, your own free time. Children will not be awake 24 hours of the day. Due to Covid, we have not have much childcare at all. 5 hours a week if we are lucky. And of course its been hard, but it has still been manageable. I have still continued my hobbies =)

I dont know the relationship you have with your partner, is he a good man? I know you said you feel suffocated but would that feeling be there if you took away the baby talk? or is it purely because you feel pressured by people to have children? If hes a good man, and you enjoy your relationship and his company then I say maybe be open to having some talks about it, and what life would be like for you both if you were to have a child =)

Sorry anyway for the extremely long message! One of the main things you need with having your own children is patience....which it seems you already possess with being a teacher! I have never experienced love like this before having children, try imagining life with a daughter/son and you may be surprised at how you feel!

Parents of children with SEN don't have a choice. If they don't look after their child and advocate for them - this includes when their child is an adult - then no-one else will.

I was ambivalent about wanting children even though I have good relationships with children, hence I'm an older mother. (I was older than you when I had my DD.) On the other hand my DP always wanted children so he now has 2. He wanted more than that but then I had our DD, his youngest, and he changed his mind.

If your DP is serious about wanting children have a talk with him about whether he wants to do things like shared parental leave for the first child, or having every Friday off to look after his children. As even being at home with his first child for a month or one day a week for the first 2-3 years where he is the children's main carer will change his perspective on children completely.

I have been in a relationship (41m) for about 8 months now, but if I’m honest there’s a big ? Hanging over that at the moment, before him I was single for a whopping 8 years so I’m feeling a bit suffocated right now and trying to work out if I just need more time to adjust or if he isn’t the one for me.

There are two separate issues here, but the first one is your relationship, and he is not the one for you. If you feel like this 8 months in, the relationship is doomed. It simply won't go the distance. If you do decide you want children, I would stop wasting time with this man and end it.

I was always completely disinterested in babies and children. The deciding factor for me was thinking I'd 'probably' regret not having one when older, which is a bit of a flimsy reason really and was a pretty big gamble.

Anyway I had one and it's been bloody hard work. More than I ever could have anticipated. However I'm very glad we did (now he's older!) Only had the one mind you, I clearly didn't love it enough to do it all over again!

Re SEN I mean it's a valid concern but there's just no way of knowing or predicting these things, unless there is a strong family history? Chances are, they won't. But again as with everything, it's a gamble.