Doctor embarrassed to say miscarriage..

[Bobblehatash]

This is just a rant really. I am going through a chemical pregnancy as I type.. well I think I am. I called the doctor as I wanted some advice, but mainly so they could update their records as this will be my third loss. Been trying for my first for a year.. and I am 40. So I am completely open to the fact that I'm this won't be an easy journey!
Anyway- the doctor was struggling over his words, and seemed to be embarrassed to say the word miscarriage! I had to say it for him. I felt like I was taking about my heavy flow to a 13 year old boy.
Anyone else experienced this?? I feel better for ranting on here already...

When I was sorting out my treatment post-miscarriage, I had the sweetest young male doctor who was very visibly affected by what had happened to me and how much I was hurting. He must have been nee. He had teary eyes and a shaky voice, and couldn’t really get his words out properly. Some people may have found that unprofessional and struggled, but I found such comfort in his sympathy, even if it wasn’t the best way of delivering it. I received pretty dire treatment from my EPU but I will always remember him.

I generally prefer female HCPs, but he was very refreshing after spending the morning with very blasé matronly nurses and consultants. I could really tell how common miscarriage was- they’d seen it all before and they made me feel like it.

I’m so sorry about your chemical. X

Must have been new*, even

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss.

If I can just come at it from another angle, sometimes doctors can feel they're damned if they do and damned if they don't i.e. some people would find the use of the term "miscarriage" upsetting. So he was maybe just walking on eggshells. I hope you find the support you need

@Frymetothemoon I know that it's a tough job, but I had already mentioned miscarriage. He is an older doctor. Tbh it didn't really bother me, just had to rant! I am grateful that they called me back so promptly

OP, when I was a medical student, doctors didn’t use the word miscarriage at all - it was regarded as a lay person’s term.
The medical terminology was “spontaneous abortion”.
You can imagine how patients felt hearing that description. And they were treated on antenatal wards, among women still happily pregnant.
Gradually, things improved - women needing a D and C for incomplete miscarriages were admitted to gynae wards instead of maternity wards, as were patients needing terminations, and we stopped calling them abortions.
But I think that left some doctors (particularly men) a bit unsure whether naming it out loud with any word would upset the patient, and hence they struggle with terminology.
I think your particular chap was probably being overly empathetic and concerned for your feelings, rather than embarrassed.
None of us doctors are embarrassed about bodily processes, they are our stock in trade.
My best wishes for a successful pregnancy in the near future, OP, and I am sorry you have had such a tough year.

@Suprima I know what you mean about the matronly staff. I know that's the best way of dealing with it and I couldn't do their job. Must be so hard being a new doctor and being expected to mow all the answers! I would have ended up giving him a hug 😢

@Babdoc thanks for your reply. Things must change so quickly in the medical world. Constantly having to change terminology and 'getting it right' must be a night mare. Like I said, I was just needing a rant. I wouldn't hold it against the doctor. Hormones making me a 'little' irrational atm. 🙄

[quote Bobblehatash]@Suprima I know what you mean about the matronly staff. I know that's the best way of dealing with it and I couldn't do their job. Must be so hard being a new doctor and being expected to mow all the answers! I would have ended up giving him a hug 😢[/quote]
It wasn’t the best way of dealing with it for me- I was treated like an absolute nuisance, told it ‘wasn’t time’ and that I would have a beautiful baby. Then I was given lots of unsolicited parenting advice for the baby I would have.

My PALs complaint is waiting. I’m struggling to send it though.

I’m very grateful for the teary young doctor. He validated my feelings so I am forever thankful for him. That time at the EPU was the worst day of my life and he made it bette.

It's really hard - when they thought I was miscarrying, I had a phone consult with my GP. I explained to her that I was bleeding - was it a suspected chemical pregnancy? She actually said "I'm so sorry, that is such an ugly medical term. No loss should be described so clinically".
But then, it went on and turned out to be ectopic. The treatment in EPU was beyond clinical. It was all facts, no empathy. The point that really sticks with me is them rushing me to sign the form to "dispose of any pregnancy remains". Literally the most brutal way to talk about a foetus. I know it was the size of a peanut - and not a living, breathing, sentient being... but man, that was clinical and brutal.
I've since spoken with Dr friends and they say that it's all so every day to them that they don't even notice they aren't empathetic.
It sounds like your doctor was trying to do the right thing, even if he got it wrong!

well, its not really a medical term, and also its too early to call it a loss, so it sounds like he was humouring you a little bit, not to minimise your distress

Yes I think 54321 is probably right. Not to minimise your loss, but there is a big difference medically between what’s usually classed as a miscarriage and what people call chemical pregnancies. I don’t know how many weeks you were, but it’s very common now for people to put things down as a chemical pregnancy because of early pregnancy kits. Sometimes you get false positives, or sometimes it’s another random issue, so very hard for a doctor to determine pregnancy (I say this as someone who has multiple miscarriages and now only test after at least a week late!). Had you had a scan?

Thanks for all your responses, my gp surgery have been very good in my previous previous losses (sorry if 'loss' is the wrong word but not really sure what else to call it.. ) @Miliao I have also learnt from experience not to test before at least 7 days late.. just going to keep on trying! Thanks for everyone's input. Good luck to anyone going through similar.

I think that it's very difficult to get terminology ‘right’ for everyone. I discussed cancer with my friend -she had been diagnosed. She told me she hated the word and had made a complaint to the hospital after her doctor had used it. I guess we adjust what and how we say things depending on the person in front of us and it can be challenging to judge what will please people of make them feel.comfortable and whether guidelines are followed too.