Co parenting

[Mancmumtobe]

I'm currently pregnant and now split from the father after trying to make it work at the beginning of the pregnancy. We are planning on coparenting our child but I could do with some advice please. I would like us to try to keep a good relationship for the sake of our child as I think it's important.
I'm planning on breast feeding, possibly exclusively but not sure for how long as I do think its hard to plan these things before baby is here. I do want Dad to have a good relationship with our child but not sure how going to feel about leaving little one with him over night from a young age. However trying to get Dad to understand this with out making feel like it's 'all my terms' is seeming difficult. I want him to be included in night time routines and to share a bond at those times. But feel like that kinda means agreeing to do this together for at least the first few months.
He seems to think that breast feeding exclusively is only important for babies health in the first few weeks. But for me it's more than that. And I'm just not sure that I will feel comfortable with leaving the baby alone with him over night for a good few months. Can anyone please give some advice. Thanks In advance.

Overnights don’t usually start until the age of 2. Contact that is little and often is best. There is research that backs this up.

You said that you don’t want him to feel that everything is on your terms. So let him know what is considered best and then give him as much flexibility as he wants around that.

An hour a day? Every other day? What would he like to do?

He's basically said that I'm going to have to express from as early as a few weeks so he can have baby over night and wants to build a bond independently of me. And supposedly it's bollocks that a baby needs it's mother more than its father.

I'm happy to have him stay with my and for me and baby to stay with him. So he can do bath time, nappy changes, time together but for a certain amount of time that will include me I'm afraid.

Read up on the fourth trimester. A breastfeeding baby and its mother shouldn’t be apart for long.

My main concern is that amicable seems to mean him dictating to you and you having to agree. There’s no keeping the peace with someone so uninformed and so selfish so I’d stop discussing it with him for now. You’re the one who’s pregnant, you’ll be the one giving birth, you’re the one the baby will recognise and want and need.

Dads are incredibly important but in different ways in the early days and weeks and what good fathers do is support their children and their mothers.

This guy doesn’t sound supportive. Is he planning to research any of his daft claims or is he going to keep telling you what’s happening while pretending he wants to to the best by your baby?

It doesn’t work like that.

There are many, many reasons that it doesn’t work like that.

Hope for the best and plan for the worst. Hope that you will be able coparent together effectively and plan for what to do if you can’t.

He's basically said that I'm going to have to express from as early as a few weeks so he can have baby over night and wants to build a bond independently of me. And supposedly it's bollocks that a baby needs it's mother more than its father.

You basically say no. If he wants more than little and often, then he has to go through the courts.

Encourage him to build a bond independently - little and often in the daytime. Google child custody under the age of 2 for information to support you in this.

Accept that a man that says shit like this is an asshole and, as I said earlier, prepare for the worst. If he wants more than little and often, he will have to get the courts to agree that it is in the child’s best interests.

And just so you’re sure, no judge in the land will agree overnights for a newborn. It just wouldn’t happen. And not everyone can express, even if they can breastfeed.

I’ve just reread your posts and I feel really uneasy about this whole thing.

How well do you know him? How long were you together?

I wouldn’t let him stay overnight, have boundaries from now! No overnights, little and often is the recommendation when they are babies

To be honest, although you want to keep the relationship amicable it doesn’t sound like he’s too bothered.

Even if breastfeeding doesn’t work out the baby still needs to be with their primary caregiver. He’s being an arrogant dickhead to think he can dictate contact with a baby that young. You can offer little and often but I personally wouldn’t allow him to stay with you because you will be feeling very vulnerable after the birth.

Have you discussed child maintenance? Is he hoping to have the baby enough that his maintenance payments are reduced?

If you are going to be alone for most of the week with the baby, then it NEEDS to be on your terms not his. A baby is exceptional hard work, and exclusive breastfeeding whilst also difficult, means you can get more rest in the long run (baby can sleep in a next-to-me crib and you can then feed really easily without properly waking up).

Do you have a plan what will happen if you have a difficult labour (birth injuries) or c-section? Is there another relative who could stay with you for the first several weeks?

I live with my mum so I will have support here for after the baby is born. I also have an amazing support network around me.
I thinks I'm all about me and mine when really I'm already trying to get my mum used to the notion that I want dad to be able to come and go and spend a such time as possible with baby. Also visits to his with over night stays too so that baby can get used to his place, but again untill an older age that would come with me.
I had hoped that he would appreciate that n that it was just a bit of common sense that baby would not be with him alone over night until he/she is older, probably nearer 6/8month mark. I also think that these things are hard to determine now before baby is here as we don't know how he/she will be ie sleeping wise, colic, feeding, health etc.
I want to be firm but at the same time I don't want to word things to him in an argumentative/aggressive way as I feel like it round be setting the tone for our relationship going forward.

Him telling you how it will be is not co parenting.

Little and often is better but not just rock up any time.

He can have time one with baby, whilst you have a bath, get a nap. He doesn't need to be in a seperate building.

Also don't plan to far ahead.

Plan first couple of months baby stays with me. You can visit daily .

Well this is getting off to a flying start- sorry op but he’s being an ass. I’d love all fathers to do 50% of the Labour but that doesn’t happen either. Fact is your baby will need you more than the father if breastfeeding, he is in for a shock to see how often a baby feeds you won’t be able to leave them with him for a while. Don’t commit to pumping either to appease him. Let him know he’s welcome to be at yours to help but I think he’ll realise there isn’t much he can do; when couples are together much of the first month or so of helping is them helping the mother ie. fetching her drinks and snacks, keeping the home clean etc. Will he do that ?

Hello OP, sorry you are going through this. I have a little bit of experience but please make sure you do whatever you are comfortable with.

My now husband split with his former partner whilst she was in early pregnancy (neither of them knew at the time) and although it was tough they worked out a way to make it work. He lived with her from birth to 6 weeks old to help out (you wont need this if you live with your mother!). And then from 2-6 months old he would go to her house for 3-5 hours 3/4 times a week and look after the baby in-between feeds. This meant she could exclusively breastfeed and have a break in the day when he would take him out etc. After 6 months it got a little trickier because they could not persuade the baby to take a bottle and the mother didnt want my husband hanging around the house anymore understandably... they had split up! So they had to get a little more creative in timings and stuff. It helped when they started weaning etc but didnt really get easier till they stopped breastfeeding.

I am a mother of a 2 year old myself, breastfed till 1 and no way would I want to be apart from her till a year old at least, mainly cos boobs would explode! But you need to work out what you support you need as a single mother, what he wants when the baby is young is immaterial really. Post partum is no joke! And breastfeeding is wonderful but hard work. Good luck xx

You do what's best for the baby, not what's best for him.
For now, I'd tell him that you envisage what you say. Then work it out as you go along - you might for some reason not be able to breastfeed (it happens!) and be glad of the odd break. Or you might have a baby who refuses a bottle.
Either way, as parents you need to trust each other to put the be baby's needs first.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Overnights don’t usually start until the age of 2. Contact that is little and often is best. There is research that backs this up.

You said that you don’t want him to feel that everything is on your terms. So let him know what is considered best and then give him as much flexibility as he wants around that.

An hour a day? Every other day? What would he like to do?

Plenty children have overnights before 2 years, ridiculous to suggest a child can’t stay with their father until they are two.

Would anyone be happy to see their child one hour a day?

I think being open and honest with him is best. Show him the research on breastfeeding and the importance of structure. If you do have a decent relationship could he spend hours/ full days at your home while he’s off on paternity leave? An extra set of hands will be useful.

It appears women are quick to dismiss fathers, he wants to be involved and deserves to be.

I think it’s difficult for new fathers who want to be equally involved to accept that actually, mothers and fathers are different and babies don’t care about sexism or idealised equality between the sexes. This happens even within relationships. My husband got a bit of a shock when our baby was born and clearly wanted mum and mum’s milk with an intensity that wasn’t matched by anything he could provide at that point in time. I think you have to push the idea of different but equally important roles for the first year or two. Overnights at 6 weeks won’t work for an exclusively breastfed baby. Expressing is not as efficient as direct feeding and you will potentially end up with pain from blockages and risk mastitis and a drop in supply.