Really shit situation!

[Peacefulspirit]

Hi. I’m going to try and be as objective as possible here because I know that I’m emotionally all over the place and don’t want to sway responses.
I’m 32 weeks pregnant. This is my 5th baby and my partner’s 3rd. It wasn’t planned. We were waiting for my partner’s vasectomy, which was delayed due to Covid and using avoiding fertile times as a form of contraception. I had regular cycles and it had worked for us for 6 months. My partner was very clear that he didn’t want more children. In a fantasy world I’d have loved a baby with him because I love him but equally the rational part of me knew the timing was utter rubbish (youngest 2 are 9 and 10) and I totally respected his decision. Anyway, finding out was horrendous and we went through a total rollercoaster, services were stretched to the limit the earliest I could have terminated was 10 ish weeks through BPAS. I booked a private termination but it was destroying me (I’ve had one before and it completely fucked me up) My partner loves me and could see it was absolutely killing me. So after much heartache and a huge sacrifice for him we decided to keep the baby. Whilst he hasn’t been delighted he has tried so hard to accept it and find the joy in it all. However, as time has passed he has become more distant, I have reacted by feeling totally rejected, I then behave like a twat, I tell him to stay away, I get upset and feel so lost. It was a shock for me too and I can’t say that I am totally delighted to be in this situation. I love this baby and I’m excited to meet her but it is all so bloody hard. Anyway, he’s sick of me accusing him of being distant or not being present enough, or happy enough. I don’t expect him to be happy btw but I think he feels pressure to be that way. We don’t live together and his boys are very upset by the pregnancy. We’ve tried everything to reassure them that everything will be the same (and it will, no one is moving and his time with them is totally protected, I completely respect this) but I know he feels that guilt and extra responsibility too.
Anyway, I had a scan yesterday, he didn’t come and he wants some space. I’m trying not to panic but I feel like he’s slipping further and further away. If I have to do this alone I can and will but our relationship was so amazing and I love him.
Sorry it’s long and ranty. I guess I just needed to let it out and maybe get some feedback. Cheers

How long have you been together? Why don't you live together? Most people see that as a sign of commitment.... hence why I ask.

I am sorry for the circumstances, but roll forward into the future and things will be ok for you, whatever happens. You both made a choice out of bad options and having a termination might have created a distance and pain between you too. I think, lovely, that you need to prepare for this baby alone. If he's not living with you then you are essentially doing the early bit solo but with him as a co-parent whatever happens in your relationship. Focus on that, time will pass and feelings will resolve. It's not your fault or his, it just is. And not the baby's fault of course, she's going to bring you so much more into your lives which will be worth it. And she needs her Dad to adapt to having three children and not put her last. He will.

Thanks guys. We’ve been together for over 2 years. At some point we plan to live together but his boys really struggled with their parents’ break up and don’t really like me! To be fair I don’t think (hope not!) it’s me personally. He has them 3 nights a week and we both see the importance of making sure they feel safe and secure and not abandoned. They’re anxious, angry and despite the split being 4 years ago still struggling.

Could you both seek some counselling? Maybe separately so you each have a space to be honest with a neutral person before laying your cards on the table.

There appears to be resentment, on both sides, and it doesn't mean one person is right and one wrong.
He might be kicking himself for relying on avoiding fertile times, if he absolutely didn't want more children and is old enough to have children that age he should have known it wasn't the most reliable option, but possibly also blaming you as you would have been the one saying when you were or weren't fertile.
Is there any element to feeling 'tricked' (not saying you did, and he could have taken more responsibility, but he might be thinking it, sometimes easier to blame someone else).
Then he's said he'll make the best of it but is not thrilled but you don't take that at face value (possibly because you know his heart isn't in it). And you know you're taking it out on him with your behaviour as it might be overwhelming for you to communicate your feelings with words, or they're not getting through.
He's probably also thinking of his existing children (or should be anyway). It's ridiculous to make empty promises to them that things won't change, they should change and he should be preparing them to be big brothers. Saying things won't change implies everyone can just carry on as though your daughter doesn't exist or matter.

All that said, this is your fifth baby so you know you can do this, with or without his support.
If he is a good father to his boys then he should step up and be the same for his daughter.
I have known several 'shit situations' and they don't all have the fairy tale ending, but they have the 'turned out well in the end despite the difficulties' ending which is more common in real life.
If your relationship can survive this it will be stronger, if not you will have a lovely daughter and you will make it work.
Best wishes to you, remember you can do it.

It's so refreshing to read about people not moving in together out of respect for the children's feelings and emotional stability! I have huge admiration for that, you sound like great parents even though this is a very difficult situation.

It sounds like it could be a good thing to prepare to do this on your own. Maybe you need to pull back from him a bit too. Do you have family support yourself?