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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Possible labour on my own

28 replies

RosieRabbit17 · 12/08/2021 20:34

I am due my 2nd baby in October. We realised early on that I was likely to be due in October half term which is when my in laws normally go away. We would be relying on them to have our eldest when I was in labour (there is literally no other option for us) so we let them know the potential due date when I was about 6 weeks pregnant.

We found out today that they have since booked the holiday and when my MIL pointed out that they might be needed to have our eldest, my FIL just shrugged and said it had been paid for.

AIBU to feel upset that they couldn't miss this one holiday (they go away twice a year every year) knowing their 2nd grandchild is due around then? It will possibly mean their only son missing the birth of his 2nd child and me having to give birth on my own (which I'm terrified about). Or am I being selfish here?

(They will be away at 40 + 2 until 41 weeks and I had my first at 40+5)

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LJZRBB · 12/08/2021 20:36

No. This would piss me off too!

Comedycook · 12/08/2021 20:38

Oh that's shitty of them imo. Is there literally no one else? Not even a casual friend or acquaintance? Most people would want to help out in this situation

AtillatheHun · 12/08/2021 20:39

I have never expected nor received help like that from parents or in laws. Friends however will help you, so don’t panic or catastrophise - even if it means someone coming to your house in the middle of the night, someone will do it. It will be fine.

Lonelylooloo · 12/08/2021 20:45

I’d be pissed off
I just had my second baby and stuff like this makes me cringe. It would be totally different if you’d not let them know in time or they had already booked it non refundable but to know the situation and still go ahead and book a holiday is total AH behaviour.

Ofc this is MN so there will momentarily be an onslaught of posters screaming ‘they don’t owe you anything’ and ‘it was your choice to have the baby not theirs’ but let’s be honest and admit there is a certain level of behaviour you expect from people who are supposed to love and care about you and that’s not unreasonable!!!

Buttons294749 · 12/08/2021 20:48

They are BU but just wanted to reassure you if I can. I had a solo labour and the midwives I thought were conscious I was on my own and it was actually more relaxing than the first time as I didn't have DH giving me "helpful tips". It felt more like me and the MW getting the job done than having a third cook so to speak x

54321nought · 12/08/2021 20:48

Find someone else -

Lonelylooloo · 12/08/2021 20:48

Fwiw I remember vividly telling my MIL I the date I was being induced with my first (due to serious medical complications) and her mentioning something she had on at work that clashed as though we were going to be like ‘ah ok well how does the day after work for you?’

TheWayTheLightFalls · 12/08/2021 21:00

I'd have DH sit down with them and explain in a very b&w way - you understand that DW is very likely to go into labour then, we were relying on you for childcare, and if you go away I'll need to stay home with DC1 and DW will give birth alone? Just so we're all crystal clear?

Arecklessmanor · 12/08/2021 21:14

I'd arrange paid help, they do know yyour due date, which is only a guide.
If that's not an option then a friend or do some favours or babysitting for one of your child's friend's parents.

Are they tied to the half term because of work? Just thinking if they booked a week earlier or later it could still clash with the birth anyway.

I know it would be nice if they offered to forego the holiday but they haven't so I wouldn't start trying to pressure them now that it's booked.
We don't have any family help but then that's because we live far away, I can understand you're peeved but I wouldn't blow it out of proportion.

sienna14 · 12/08/2021 21:23

I’m having the exact same problem, my in laws are going to Spain and Portugal for 3 weeks when my 2nd baby is due. I was fuming when I found out, luckily my mum might be able to fly over here (she lives abroad) if everything is ok with Covid restrictions, however she needs to go back 10 days after my due date so if the baby doesn’t come by then, I don’t know what we will do with our daughter, I guess my husband will have to miss the birth too
My MIL had offered before to come stay with our daughter for the birth, and when I mentioned to my FIL those are the dates when we needed her he said: oh well if you go into labour she can get a plane and come back… oh yes because the baby is gonna wait for her…

Original poster

RosieRabbit17 · 12/08/2021 21:35

Thanks for the insights everyone.

If I'm in labour during the day, we have a couple of friends who I'm sure would have him and that would be fine (and he'd be at school during the day) . I'm more worried about overnight. He's a very shy boy and wouldn't feel confident staying over at anyone else's house (apart from the in laws) without us and we don't have a spare room that any could stay here.

My family unfortunately love too far away and we're not close so our eldest doesn't really know them unfortunately.

In terms of dates, they've always gone at half term as my MIL used to work in education and they're very set in their ways so that's just when they go. They definitely could take it at any other time if they wanted to.

I'm not sure whether my DH sitting down with FIL would change anything to be honest as he can be very single minded once he's made his mind up about something and obviously MIL wanting to be around hasn't changed his mind.

With my first, I was on a ward overnight in early labour and my other half wasn't allowed to be with me until the morning and I hated it. When the midwife was trying to put a cannula in, I was shaking so much being scared on my own that she gave me a hug before she carried on. I'm very much a wimp with anything medical!

OP posts:

Comedycook · 12/08/2021 21:36

I have never expected nor received help like that from parents or in laws

This is so weird. What does 'help like that's mean? It's entirely normal isn't it for a relative to watch your child while you're in labour. Hardly a big ask

Thack · 12/08/2021 21:42

That is poor! Make sure that they are bottom of the queue for meeting the baby.

Would you consider a home birth? (as an alternative idea, if feasible?)

FreeBritnee · 12/08/2021 21:45

Happened to me and it was fine. Yes I think DP is sad he didn’t get to see DC2 being born but for me it was a brilliant experience. Just me and a couple of midwives and the whole thing was extremely intense.

AdriannaP · 12/08/2021 21:53

If your DC1 is at school, he will have friends there? Nobody will take him overnight? I am due soon and have no family close by, my DC is staying with friends and potentially havinf a sleepover. She is so excited. Could you do a trial sleepover?
I understand your PILs not planning their lives around your due date and you shouldn’t expect that either. I am sure you can find alternative care - it’s only one day/night, your DC will survive!

Philandbill · 12/08/2021 22:02

Would you be comfortable with planning a home birth?

Original poster

RosieRabbit17 · 12/08/2021 22:26

Sorry should have been clear that my DS starts school in September so won't know anyone well enough for a sleepover by that point and I probably won't know any of the parents as I'll be working quite late up to my due date (hopefully).

A home birth scares me to be honest. With my first, his heart rate kept dropping and there was meconium in the waters. I missed an intervention by seconds as I just managed to push him out as the doctors were queuing at the door. I don't fancy having to be transferred to hospital mid labour. I'm also a bit of a wimp with pain!

I think one of the other things that frustrates me is I know my MIL will be gutted to not be there to see the baby as soon as possible but she won't ever say anything to my FIL. They're very traditional in the sense that she always defers to what he wants.

Hats off to those that have done it on their own! Some interesting points have been made about how the midwives have been extra conscious of this. I do remember getting really annoyed with my DH when he was trying to have a conversation with the midwife when I was in between contractions and I was 'in the zone' and it was disturbing me so maybe it will be for the best 😂

OP posts:

Hippybottommoose · 12/08/2021 22:30

That's pretty selfish of them! Do they need to go away over school holidays or is it just habit they go away that week? Even if they worked in schools so could only go then, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to be around that week to help you out. You'd have thought they'd actually want to. They'll be the ones potentially missing out on visiting the baby's first week. Think of it as a positive you probably won't have an interfering MIL in those precious first few days.

At least know now, plenty of time in advance. There's time to arrange people, for your son to get used to them, spend time alone with them, for them to do the school pick up etc. I'm sure it if you explain the situation to some mums at school there'll be plenty of people willing to help. It could also be worth looking if there are any school clubs on over the half term week too.

I would make a daily plan closer to the time - e.g. Monday or Tuesday is out of school club and picked up by Tom's mum to stay over night, Wednesdays is when Sam's mum doesn't work and is happy to have him all day, etc. It will put your mind at ease, and hopefully mean you can labour without worry with your partner there.

Hippybottommoose · 12/08/2021 22:32

I've just seen your latest update - your son will have approximately 7 weeks at school - I'm sure that's enough time to meet new parents and get a feel for who you feel comfortable with.

You could also have a look to see if any childminders look after children over night,or find some local baby sitters who may be able to come, too.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 12/08/2021 22:37

You can hire as hoc nannies for this kind of thing and they can meet your son at intervals also before

Sparklyboots · 12/08/2021 22:42

I gave birth to my second alone. It didn't even occur to me to ask MiL for childcare tbh - and she lives on the next street to us. She's a funny one though. My family are 300 miles away and DC1 was still bf and co sleeping when I his sister was born. So his dad was the right choice.

I loved giving birth alone, without worrying what he was thinking about. The midwives were lovely and supportive too if I were to give birth again, I'd go alone in a quiet, dark room all the way. Only had to push 3 times, and the quiet bonding after the birth was the best 2 hours of my life, bar none.

AdriannaP · 12/08/2021 22:45

Some good suggestions from @Hippybottommoose - you don’t know any other children yet in his class at all?
But 7 weeks will be plenty and I am sure other parents will be happy to help out. As I said I am in the same situation (but DC already in Y1) and so many parents have offered to help and even neighbors. You won’t be able to change your PILs holidays, so forget about it and move on. But you have a few months to find paid help or arrange friends/other parents so you don’t have to be alone. And I wouldn’t fancy a home birth either so completely understand you want to be in a hospital. And maybe baby will be early or late and MIl will be around after all.

Toolateplanting · 12/08/2021 23:12

Went through most of birth up until 5 mins before DC2 arrived without dp and honestly it was fine. Much smoother birth than DC1 though that was just luck of the draw. What would worry me was if it had been problematic and I’d been unwell, if want someone to be with baby. Other than that it was fine just having the midwife, really calm.

Hippybottommoose · 12/08/2021 23:12

I think it's also worthwhile posting on a local Facebook page appealing to make contact with other parents of children starting the same school as your son. You may be able to meet them a couple of times before the children return to school, and a few familiar faces will help break the ice! When my eldest first started primary, practically all the other parents had older children and all seemed to know each other - I was glad to have a couple of friendly faces I knew from baby group as it's very daunting as a mum when your child starts school, probably even more so than for the children!

goodbyestranger · 12/08/2021 23:17

I had all eight of my DC alone. There's a lot to be said for it. I don't see why the PIL should shelve their holiday - it's for you and your DH to sort things out if your DH and you are adamant that he has to be present at the birth rather than caring for the elder DC.

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