AIBU to avoid group gatherings in my third trimester?

[StephOD]

We've been really cautious in pregnancy which has meant saying no to various special events, particularly since restrictions have eased. It's really difficult missing out on celebrations but we just felt we wanted to stay away from big group gatherings before the birth.
We've met up with single families, and have all tested before which has been really reassuring and allowed us some social times.
My son is in in nursery 3 days a week and starting school in September. Both unavoidable risks so we wanted to reduce risk elsewhere.
My sister in law has a little girl turning 1 in a few weeks and they are having a big party. She is very angry that we've decided the safest option for us is for my husband to go alone. My son won't be able to distance and I'm obviously clinically vulnerable at this stage (although vaccinated), with a risk to the baby.
I understand she's disappointed as are we. It's not fun restricting life out of caution. We just want to get to the birth safely. She's making us feel terrible. She's less bothered about me coming bit doesn't understand why my son can't go.
I am torn as to how we respond. I want to empathize and tell her we would love to come but we're just being cautious. But I'm also quite angry that she can't show any sort of understanding and is causing so much angst... Like she feels it's out of spite or something. She is not an empathetic woman and can be a bully to my husband. How would others handle this?

I think it's a bit silly for your husband to go, if you feel that strongly nobody should be going!

@StephOD if you husband was to go, he could still pick something up and bring it to you.
Your little boy is at nursery so wouldn't be socially distancing then.
I agree with @tigerbreadandtea - if one person goes, you might as well all go or no one goes to be completely protected.

If you are vaccinated, you have added protection

My mum is clinically highly vulnerable (has leukaemia and under going chemo) and has been vaccinated and her consultant and nurses have all said the same thing - don't miss out on big occasion.

It's just about finding the right balance but ultimately what's best for you and your family.

@StephOD

Yes as PP just said! I've just got over covid I'm 35 weeks pregnant my husband brought it back from a family get together that he just couldn't get out of

There is also a thread on here of double vaccinated people who have had covid worse than my unvaccinated self

Thank you. I understand what you're saying but my husband can at least socially distance. He won't be around the kids who are the biggest risk in some ways as they are often asymptomatic and not vaccinated so more likely to be able to pass on.
My thoughts are that we will absolutely not miss any big occasions post birth. It's just these last few weeks.

@Greenrubber thank you. Tbh we haven't been sending my husband to anything on his own so far due to that risk. I felt like it might be a small step towards compromise that I could cope with so your experience is a bit of a reality check for me. I'm not happy about him going alone either. The pressure got to me.

It's your choice and it's not really an unreasonable choice. I also think it's normal that she would feel disappointed and think you're overreacting. Both are common and valid stances during this pandemic. It's unfortunate that she can't be nicer about it but just agree to disagree and try to ignore her emotional reaction, your DH can deal with it as a gift to you for having his baby in a few weeks.

@StephOD

I will add tho that my husband did not pick up covid at the gathering it was the actual travelling back we think he picked it up from (aeroplane/Airport) as no one else got it

You & baby's safety are more important that SILs feelings in my view. I wouldn't be going if I were you but I would drop by and drop a present off just to show you care, but at the end of the day there is a virus and you are vulnerable and you have to put your safety and yous unborn baby's safety first. That being said if hubby goes then even with social distancing there is still a chance he could bring covid home which will defeat the entire purpose.

I can understand all of you not going if you are wanting to be cautious, but can't see the logic of your husband going and not you to be honest. I can also understand your sister in law being disappointed but it sounds like she isn't expressing this very nicely.

Have you been vaccinated? And is the event outdoors? Both would reduce the risk considerably. Could you go and wear a mask for reassurance for yourself and to give others a warning to keep their distance a bit?

It's not unreasonable as it's totally your choice to assess your own risk and do what is best for your family.

I'm 36 weeks currently. Husband is a secondary school teacher, daughter is at nursery and starting school in September. I am double vaccinated - but they are my risks. I am very conscious that either of them could bring it home to me, no matter how careful I am. I am trying not to be overzealous in terms of what I refuse... I happily meet people outside... and have limited meetings with people indoors.

Personally, I think if your husband goes, you open yourself up to risk anyway, to some extent.
I have never asked my daughter to socially distance because she's too young to understand and I wouldn't want her to be scared of the germs etc. When we were in full on lockdowns last year, if we saw grandparents outside etc, the adults socially distanced from her, but we were careful not to put the onus onto her as it's not fair on her.

Yeh just seems silly for your husband to go to a party and "socially distance" - you may as well all go or none of you! Totally get not wanting to expose yourself in your final trimester but you are putting yourself at risk by your husband going.

I don’t agree with posters saying that if your husband is going you may as well go.

Assuming your husband is vaccinated his risk of getting it or transmitting it is reduced. Even if he does bring it home, your own vaccine reduces the risk of you getting it off him.

If you, he and your son go, then you are at risk of: (a) catching it directly yourself at the party, or (b) getting it from your son if he catches it directly, or (c) getting it from your husband if he catches it directly.

@KiwiDramaQueen that was my feeling. That the risk would be quite reduced if only h
My husband went. Especially with so many children there who won't be vaccinated and are more likely to be asymptomatic carriers. If my son went I could never expect him to distance, it wouldn't be fair at 4 years old. I hate him missing out but once the baby is born I think I'll feel very differently about the risks.

I’m exactly the same as you op. I’m double jabbed but have kept to garden visits only and will limit that when I hit the third trimester.

Dps nephew will have a party in September and he’ll go alone. He’s also back in the office a few days a week and I have secondary school children so our bubble isn’t tight.

I figure it’s safest for me and my 2yo dd to stay in our own little bubble and the others to test regularly.

Still undecided what to do about visits when the babies here! It will be November so too cold to be outside ❄️

I think it's reasonable for you to be very protective of your whole family. If you or your husband test positive when you go into labour it will affect your care and birthing options in the hospital, which is reason enough even without the critical consideration of the baby's health.

You don't have to walk around in abject fear but you can be confident in your own assessment of the risk, and rise above relatives who aren't empathetic, just continue to be polite and give a brief explanation, they will get over it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, it's just for another month or 2 that you are being extra careful. If you or your husband catch covid now and the household have to self isolate over the period you give birth, that would be so wretched.
Your SIL needs to get over it

You’re not being unreasonable. If it was me I would be asking my husband to give it a miss too. I’m 39 weeks pregnant & double jabbed & we really aren’t doing anything with anyone outside ourselves & our kids.

Don’t worry about your SIL’s behaviour - don’t put pressure on yourself because someone else can’t act like an adult xx

Thank you all for the comments. Lots of reassurance about asserting what feels right and not letting not get to us. Also really helpful to hear the opposing views so we are aware why she might feel so annoyed. Xx

You do what you feel is right, I this scenario what your SIL feels doesn’t really matter. While your DH may pick it up, you have indeed reduced the risk by not going yourself.