How soon after baby should family visit?? Confused!

[cherrylime]

Hi everyone, FTM here.

I am Canadian and have lived in England for over 5 years now. I haven't been able to see my parents since the end of 2019 because of COVID restrictions and now with baby on the way they want to wait to visit until after it is born.

My mom was really hoping to come for Christmas or New Year, but I'm worried DH and I will still be getting our feet under us and figuring things out.

I'm due December 3rd but of course the baby could come anywhere a couple of weeks before or after this date -- so with that in mind, it does make me nervous if baby is late and we've only had 2 weeks together as a family adjusting to our new life before they would arrive. On the flip side, it could be an enormous support to have family there, especially as its the holidays and DH's family also lives abroad.

I'm also worried I would feel pressure to entertain my parents and show them around our town, etc. as they haven't been to visit since we moved out of London. I can see them being helpful, but my mom's attitude is also a bit "the baby needs to work around your schedule and your plans and not the other way around." This is great in theory but I'm not sure this would apply to newborns? As a FTM I'm totally clueless (hence the anxiety!) and I know every baby will be different anyway. My worry is DH and I will be trying to grab little bits of sleep wherever we can whether its 2pm or 2am and we won't be up for going out to meals, or even just being conscious when they want to come over. They could of course entertain themselves as well, perhaps I'm just overthinking it??

My gut instinct was to have them come once the baby is at least 2 months old, in Feb, but DH thinks it would be nice to have family over the holidays and my mom seems really sad as well.

Any advice? Help!

TYIA

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to wait until February, it's really not that much later and it's not like you're going to be up to hosting a full blown christmas dinner etc over the holidays.
It seems like having them booked earlier than feb would just cause you anxiety rather than reassurance.
Also worth making sure that everyone that wants to visit is double covid jabbed. Having people staying in your house with your newborn who has a completely immature immune system is something you have to consider.

EDIT

If they came, they would stay at a hotel nearby, not at home with us. Not sure if that changes anything!

I'm with you and as a mum of two would recommend waiting. Yes it would be helpful to have more hands on deck in the early days and lovely to have your mum's support, but you really really don't want to be having to entertain. For example it took me 3 weeks to get used to breastfeeding. I was in agony every single time and would cry. I had a lay on the bed to feed in those early days. Last thing in the world i'd want is limited privacy and having to be upbeat and going places where I'd have to feed in public at that early stage and ensure people are having a good time.
It's a very joyful but very complicated moment in your life.

Also a mum of two, and had my MIL visit for two weeks two weeks after my first was born- she was two weeks late so we’d expected to have a month to settle in and only got two weeks. Not enough! I was still struggling with feeding, completely not in a routine, and her visit was not welcome. My MIL and I get on well, but this really strained our relationship and made a difficult period more difficult. Lots of unwelcome advice, not able to just lounge with my tits out trying to feed, my MIL wanting to get out and about with the baby when all I wanted was to cocoon at home…

I’ve now got a 4 month old, and didn’t have any visitors this time. So much better! I would say anywhere from 3-4 months is fine for a long visit. Still finding a routine but feeding well established and baby has had first vaccinations and passed the three month mark for a stronger immune system.

You also don’t know what sort of situation you might be in. Baby might be a dream or you might be frantically trying to manage CMPA or a tongue tie or something else. You might be still recovering from the birth as well. Best to just reduce the stress and arrange a visit in February or March.

I think you should listen to your gut and also you know your mum better than your dh does.

As they wouldn't be staying with you that makes things easier. You could make a list of things they can do and see in the area and they can head off themselves. They don't need you to show them around. You may well feel up to bringing them to some places. It'll be a wait and see approach. But make it clear that you are not committing to showing them around. Tell them to call at x o'clock as opposed to having them turn up unannounced at 9am. Invite them for lunch or dinner at a time that suits your new routine.

You parent as you and your Dh see fit. Be prepared to stand up for yourselves if anyone tries to coax you into doing differently.

Congrats and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

2 months seems a very lobg timr to me personally, but i had people visit in hospital and most days once i was home. But i felt happy to see people, i wanted to start our new normal asap, by end of first week we were going out for dinner, and starting to go round friends houses for evenings.

May be best to wait until baby is born to see how you feel.

I think it is a good idea for them to come (I am in the same situation, me and my husband both far away from family and we want them to come when the baby arrives). You just have to let them know you wont be able to entertain them, if they want to look around, they have to sort out their own programs and do whatever they like. Just because they here it doesnt mean you have to be with them all the time. Also, this will give you a little bit of a break: you can go for a drink or dinner with your husband, while you know your mum will look after the little one. It will be stressful: when is it not stressful to be with family especially around the Holidays? But it will be your baby`s first Christmas and later on you will be very glad to share this experience with your loved ones!

Could you maybe look at an Airbnb rather than a hotel, and then they could maybe host Christmas dinner there? Or if not, at least they'd be self sufficient and you'd be able to go visit them when it suits you. We had my in-laws over for three weeks when DD was six weeks old, and to be honest I was still working my way around being a mum, so it wasn't all that different to when she was born. They did however stay in a flat which made life so much easier, although didn't hire a car 🙄 I think laying out ground rules is sensible, and making them aware that you won't be running around after them

Mum of two here and not a chance would I be hosting people (whether they are staying in a hotel or not!) soon after birth.

Hopefully you will have a smooth delivery but even if you do the first couple of weeks you'll likely be very tired, possibly trying to learn to BF if you choose to, hormonal, sore... you get the gist. If you have a not so smooth birth you could be recovering from surgery, stitches etc etc and it's not easy. I had a very bad first birth and an easy but surgical second (CS) and after my first I had short visits but quite a lot quite early and even they got too much. Second baby I said no hospital visitors at all apart from DH and then we had a couple of days at home alone before we had visitors, again we kept it short and managed it more firmly.

What you're talking about if much more full on. Even if you're up and feeling sprightly after you're going to be adjusting to having a new baby, getting into your own little routine, learning as you go.

I would wait until Feb or probably even March when you're all recovered, you've got the first few weeks out of the way and you'll be feeling much more able to actually enjoy their visit.

It depends on your relationship with your parents. My DM came to stay for a couple of weeks shortly after DS was born. Honestly, it was a godsend because she helped so much. DP had just gone back to work and I was exhausted. She took him so I could nap and did loads of jobs around the house.

Just have a chat with them and explain how you're feeling. I'm sure they'll assure you that they'll see to themselves.

You might find you're just bursting to share your lovely new baby with your parents (and inlaws), two months would be a very long time to wait and you may find it difficult.

I think if they're not staying with you and would be the types to help, have them come for Christmas. It could be so lovely, especially after being separated so long. Just don't be afraid to tell them if you need fewer visits while they're here, and make sure they know you won't be acting as tour guide.

I lived overseas and my parents booked for 4 weeks after my due date - it was fine, we even took a little road trip and I went skiing. As long as your parents are prepared for the house to be a mess and you to be tired then visitors can be a good thing if they are willing to cook and clean

Some people are very anti visitors you will see but I personally had them from the first day

I’m in a very similar situation and also due at the same time.

My in-laws (live in Europe) will be over for my due date because it lines up with another reason that they’ll be here. My mum is looking at coming down around a similar time. I’m not hosting either of them and they’ll both have to stay in a hotel, we only have one spare room anyway and that will become baby’s room. I’m close with my in-laws and feel comfortable asking them to leave if I need to. FIL will probably get the jump but MIL will understand. My mum will also probably get the hump when I tell her to leave. However, my mum and MIL are both likely to do some jobs for us if we need to. I don’t want to wait two months to show the baby off but at the same time will also need my own space so we’re managing expectations. They don’t stay with us, if we’re up to a meal out, we’ll let them know. If not, we’ll let them know when we are eating and they’re welcome here and we can get a takeaway in. We won’t be showing them around or doing days out unless we’re up for it. However, I don’t think anyone will be with us for Christmas and we’ll have that to ourselves. If your parents stay over Christmas, I would recommend that they book into a pub for Christmas dinner. That way you don’t have to do the cooking and can just eat whatever (we’re thinking of a roast dinner still but essentially a frozen one, so a 3 bird roast from Aldi or similar and some frozen roast potatoes and frozen veg).

Around February I’m looking at travelling to my family to show off baby but my family are in the same country as me so it’s just a (long) drive instead of a flight like you have to get.

Go with your gut! It’s your baby so the decision should be yours.
Your mother’s attitude would worry me. Unless you have an exceptionally “easy” baby, you can’t make a newborn “work around your plans”. Makes me think she expects you to entertain her regardless of what’s happening with the baby.
No way would I have been up to entertaining and taking visitors on outings in the early days.

Congrats!! I’m due December 3rd also, and I’m planning to bring my mum over from Australia. Mum offered to come straight up or later on and I personally said early on - so will arrive for Christmas if all goes well. She’ll be here for 3 months (due to Covid restrictions in Australia), so I’ll probably go a bit crazy but would love her help and just to have her here to support - something about having a baby during the winter darkness terrifies me . Mum knows I definitely won’t be entertaining and she’ll most likely be helping where possible - lucky her!

Each to their own - go with what you feel best. There is no right or wrong. At the end of the day you need to be happy as there will be so much happening.

Wishing you all the best!!

Thank you for replies everyone!

"the baby needs to work around your schedule and your plans and not the other way around."

This would make me put off any visits to at least February!