Hi I am new here, and could do with some help, I am 42 happily married, house, dogs, business etc a really lovely life. I have been with my husband for just over 20 years, after moving in together all those years ago we naturally tried for baby and it didn't work, we tried IVF twice first cycle was free and the second one our family helped pay for and again it failed, and we just left it as what will be, will be, as time ticked on everyone around us is having kids, our friends other family members and we were left behind, a bit like the childless lepers. People feel awkward they don't mention their kids around you or when they get pregnant they put off telling you etc i know its difficult situation and people try to navigate the best they know how. When you meet new people the dreaded burning question of do you have kids? which for people who have had no trouble conceiving must be just a natural question, anyway we left the IVF as I said for about 10 years, then for some reason I got in my head that i was menopausal, this sent me into a panic, thinking oh my god this is it now or never i have waited too long to try again, full on panic. I explained to my husband who wasn't bothered either way as i said we were happy, (although always feeling like something was missing) so around Christmas we started the IVF again, we didn't tell anyone not friends or family just didn't want the questions or to get anyone's hopes up, I am also a very quiet private person so even being on here is difficult for me, but like i said i have told no one so have literally no where to turn. Everything went fine and two days ago I did a pregnancy test and it was positive, I thought after all this time and effort I would be over the moon but i am just petrified instead, i don't understand it , my husband is chuffed to bits as i think he had buried a lot of feelings over the years and says he feels like a weight has been lifted that he didn't know was there, I suppose after that amount of years its hard to tell. so why aren't i bouncing of the walls happy like i should be?, I mean how many people would give their right arm to be in this position! thousands! and here's me being an ungrateful bum hole, i don't know if its shock or what, i am just so confused and feel alone and upset that I aren't super excited, i just keep crying with guilt and just general being scared of carrying a baby, giving birth etc etc I do suffer from anxiety and am on a very low dose sertraline for it, so that will making things worse for. I just feel so lost and alone and I don't really know how being on here can help I just don't know what else to do, obviously i have spoken to my husband hes just confused by my reaction.