pregnant after miscarriages - feeling numb

[sadgrizzly]

Hi All,
So some of you might remember me from my very emotional and angry post following my miscarriage at 12 weeks. This was followed by two more early miscarriages.
I have a beautiful son who is 4 and is my absolute everything, and felt so so strongly that I wanted him to have a family.
I admit I struggled after the losses, and specifically with some of the finer details of them, and still do.
So here I am a little further down the line, and I am 13 weeks pregnant! Have had two scans, both showing a perfectly healthy, strong heartbeat, wriggly baby, flipping around and doing its little baby things, very much thriving in that dark warm place deep inside me. And I have thrown my arms around my partner and enjoyed that moment of celebration, we have told family who have in return thrown their arms around us with elation. I have even posted on facebook to my limited circle (majority of dont know about our losses) and seen their hearts and congratulatory messages.
Here is the thing, I personally feel very little emotionally. I certainly feel pregnant, I have the symptoms, the start of a little bump, I'm even sure I have felt a flutter or two. So yes, I feel pregnant, and I fall asleep with my hand on my belly, I try to take some time each day to meditate in that direction and send goodness and love there. But it feels like just my 5th pregnancy. I cant equate this to an actual baby.
I just feel vaguely aware that this at some point in the future I wont be pregnant. The concept that I wont be pregnant because I will have a new family member in my arms, seems abstract at best.
I know that this is probably because I am subconsciously protecting myself from the possibility of immense pain, although I also know that at this stage the odds of that are so so slim...but its like self preservation has kicked in but on over drive.
Has anyone else, sadly, been in this situation? Do I just wait for the penny to drop and for the emotions to come, or should I be actively doing something here to start bonding with this little life?
I feel so conflicted.
I maybe also feel some additional guilt towards the little ones that didnt make it.
I dont know, its all so complex.
If anyone has been here and come out of the other side, I would love a peak at the road map!
Thank you for listening to my ramblings.
Grizzly x

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through!
Congratulations to you and your healthy little belly dweller!
I can't offer much advice as I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant and previously had 2 early misscariages im also feeling incredibly numb and really unable to enjoy the experience until I pass the 12 week mark, and even then I've no idea how I'll feel.
But I want you to know you're not in this alone, it's bloody awful that so many women go through this but please know however you feel is completely normal and you're entitled to feel it. It's understabdable to subconsciously not want to fully emotionally commit when you've had it pulled away from you before.
Sending all of my best most snuggly warm vibes, and wishing you all the best 😘

@TiredEggTiredEgg
thank you so much, you have given me the first tear of the day (which considering I started the day having my 13 week scan, and was dry eyed throughout, is rather an achievement)
Belly dweller - I love that. I'll take that if you dont mind.
Im so sorry to hear about your experiences, and genuine congratulations on your current pregnancy.
Complicated creatures arent we?
Thank you for making me feel less cold. And love and hugs to you xx

Congratulations on your little bean.
Please be kind to yourself. You are clearly bonding with the baby as you are taking time out of your day to meditate etc. It takes time to connect with a baby even without everything you have been through. It is perfectly fine to not feel a connection yet. Just keep do what you are doing and maybe try talking to them.

The emotional bond will come it may be next week, it may be when baby is born, it may be when they are a few weeks old and all of that is okay.

The best thing you can do for them right now is love yourself, take care of your physical and mental health.

I’ve been there!
I think you will feel more relaxed and confident in the pregnancy once you get further along. I was so happy to be in week 13, but I was also nervous about all the things that could still go wrong. I got some test results back that indicate baby is healthy (and a little girl!). It feels much more real now. I probably won’t share the news with coworkers or extended network until after the 20 week anatomy scan, but for now, I feel confident enough to tell my family.
I think it just takes longer to trust your body and your baby and your pregnancy. That might happen for you next week or next month or next trimester. I wish you all the happiness in the world.